CURIOUS INDEX, 5/23/08

by Orson on May 23, 2008 9:35 AM EDT

Boston College has "permanently dismissed" lineman Brady Smith from the team, though there's some good news: rather than being charged with rape, he pleaded to indecent assault and battery. This is good, because for future dating he'll be able to put "convicted of indecent assault and battery" on his Match.com profile. They don't have a box for "rape", and my, wouldn't that be a pickle of an explanation to give on the first date!

In case you wondered how Jamar Hornsby got his hand on a dead woman's credit card, well, here's one explanation.

Les Miles promises LSU will, indeed, have a quarterback on the field when the season starts.

Were going to have one in every formation, Miles said Monday night, drawing laughs from the packed house at LSUs Lod Cook Center.

We make fun of people in two ways: mean spicy, and affectionate-tangy. Miles, we fear, is moving over into the affectionate-tangy, since over the course of his tenure he's only grown on us more and more. The oddball press conference at the SEC championship game ("HAVE A GREAT. DAY."), the breezy rapport with the local press, the endlessly insane/ballsy fourth down calls, the fake kicks and punts...Les appears to have forgotten anyone's watching what he does, and that will do it for us anytime.

We once saw a guy on a toll road in Chicago working the booth. Pulling up to the toll booth, he had the door open despite it being around fifty degrees, and was wearing his toll booth worker's uniform open to mid-clavicle. He appeared to be in his mid-thirties. A stereo set up in the booth was BLASTING Foreigner's "Blue Morning, Blue Day," and he was doing a dance best described as "The Teamster Stomp" in the booth, a kind of high-kneed two-step stomp with accompanying fist pumps. The radio probably cranked about sixty decibels, but he could clearly be heard bellowing out-of-tune accompaniment to Lou Gramm's vocals.

This is precisely what we imagine the inside of Les Miles' head to look like: a toll booth full of rock. It is difficult not to like.

Drew Weatherford has recovered from arthroscopic knee surgery, a real accomplishment for people his age.

SMQ shows that Mississippi State's 7-5 season last year was more anomalous than one might initially think.

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Comments

Damn I hate LSU. But I have to agree with you on Miles. His bizarreness makes him entertaining as hell.

Is it just me – or does it seem like Weatherford has been at FSU for 7 years?

by Last Dragon on May 23, 2008 9:48 AM EDT reply actions

Les Miles: the poor man’s Mike Leech.

by CincySooner on May 23, 2008 9:53 AM EDT reply actions

Fifty degrees is practically shorts weather in some parts of the country, Orson. I myself find this 75 degree weather we have going on in Nebraska right now to be a bit stuffy.

by Carlinthemarlin on May 23, 2008 9:53 AM EDT reply actions

In the absence of any other tangible reasons for MSU’s season, how about an intangible? How about the work of Sly Croom, SEC Coach of the year for 2007?

Since the voting is by the league’s coaches, you can be sure it was well researched, objective and above all, valid.

by Sullivan on May 23, 2008 9:56 AM EDT reply actions

no mention of Weekend at JoePa’s push for a playoff?

by Erdinger on May 23, 2008 10:04 AM EDT reply actions

A toll booth full of rock. Fucking. Awesome.

by Joshua on May 23, 2008 10:06 AM EDT reply actions

I understand your rationale re: lesmiles…I just get the impression he’s more like the vehicle for some guy climbing through a ventilation duct and seeing through Miles’ eyes…you know…peering out under the brim of an oversized ballcap, seeing people look at you like you’re nuts, then getting dumped along I-10 right next to an exit ramp…kind of a “Being Lesmiles”…Malkovich-esque situation.

by sb on May 23, 2008 10:13 AM EDT reply actions

I imagine the powwow around Les Miles’s office over the past few weeks went something like this:

HC MILES: Damn, with Perrilloux gone our QB situation really blows. Do we have to have a quarterback at all?

OC CROWTON: Uh — come again, sir?

MILES: You know, could we do that thing Arkansas did last year, with the running back under center taking straight snaps and whatnot? They fucking killed us with that stuff.

CROWTON: Well, now that you mention it, I suppose we could start working some of those plays into the mix —

MILES: Fan-fuckin’-tastic. Who was that Arkansas kid who did all that stuff last year? McFerrin? McFadden? Get someone to call McFadden and see if he wants to transfer.

CROWTON: Uh, sir, McFadden isn’t at Arkansas anymore —

MILES: Are you fucking kiddin’ me? Someone’s already gotten to him? It wasn’t Saban, was it? God help me, if it was Saban, I’m gonna drive on up to Tuscaloosa with an AR-15 and just start blasting away at the entire team, every last mother’s son —

CROWTON: No, no, he’s not even in college anymore.

MILES: Are you daft, Mr. Crowton?

CROWTON: No, Darren McFadden declared early for the draft. Taken on the first day. By the Raiders, fourth overall pick, if memory serves.

MILES: Oh. Huh.

(excruciatingly awkward pause)

MILES: All right, then I guess we gotta have a fuckin’ quarterback after all, then. Probably every fuckin’ formation, too. Great! Wonderful! GRAND!

by Doug on May 23, 2008 10:17 AM EDT reply actions

8… probably not far from the truth. at all.

by ThreenOut on May 23, 2008 10:25 AM EDT reply actions

Doug – that was pretty damn good.

I still can’t believe MSU was 7-5 last year and we weren’t. Man, the season was looking top shelf good until the Vandy game….

by Out of Conference on May 23, 2008 10:27 AM EDT reply actions

on top of everything else, jamar hornsby walks with a goose step?? the icing on the asshole cake apparently.

by gerry dorsey on May 23, 2008 10:27 AM EDT reply actions

Love the Malkovich angle. Perhaps Les’s hat hides a football-loving nutria who controls him by pulling on his hair.

by sonofsamford on May 23, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions

#8, Doug

+100 Daiquiris

by Allahver Fist on May 23, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

8-5, BITCHES. 8-5.

by hailstate on May 23, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

“I’m Les Miles and my social security number is 457-55-5462.”

by Bagger Douche on May 23, 2008 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

Doug

That was spot on. I’m putting on a hat just to tip it to you.

by Crabapple Buck on May 23, 2008 10:41 AM EDT reply actions

sonofsamford @ 12 – that would explain why you can hear a faint voice saying “left, right, left, right, left, right” from under the hat when Miles walks across campus.

by DC Trojan on May 23, 2008 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

The Hat can’t hear you over the sound of 3+ million dollars he makes. Shit, I don’t think he hears any of us. During the game, the headset probably doesn’t have the asst. coaches on it, it’s probably playing Steve Miller or the aforementioned Journey.

by Joshua on May 23, 2008 10:49 AM EDT reply actions

Les Miles uses his hat to steal signals from XM.

by Allahver Fist on May 23, 2008 10:52 AM EDT reply actions

“Drew Weatherford has recovered from arthroscopic knee surgery, a real accomplishment for people his age.”

Not funny.

by Chris Weinke on May 23, 2008 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

Miles doesn’t walk across campus. He gets around in a garish purple & gold Tardis.

by Joshua on May 23, 2008 11:01 AM EDT reply actions

“Nutria are herbivores and feed particularly on wetland plants. Nutria have caused extensive damage to Louisiana coastal wetlands and the mental health of LSU fans due to their feeding activity and tendency to go for it on 4th down.”

Interesting.

by Bagger Douche on May 23, 2008 11:06 AM EDT reply actions

How do you know it’s a Tardis? Do they have purple and gold police boxes around the LSU campus?

Man, a football match between the Daleks and the Sontarans would be something to see! Of course, they’d kill you immediately after, but boy, what a game, huh?

by the croominator on May 23, 2008 11:07 AM EDT reply actions

Seeing that National Lampoon logo on the cartoon reminded me that a DVD with scans of the complete run of the magazine from 1970 on is now available for less than the cost of a Wii game. The writing in the first half of the 1970s is nothing short of amazing and the cigarette ads from that era are awesome.

by sonofsamford on May 23, 2008 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

As long as our anomalies come with bowl invites, we’ll take it.

by jakldawg on May 23, 2008 11:13 AM EDT reply actions

@ jakldawg,

bowl invites grow on trees brother.

sincerely,

bama fan

by gerry dorsey on May 23, 2008 11:18 AM EDT reply actions

Hornsby video: really stupid.

Toll booth full of rock and Les Miles: awesome.

Starting two freshmen at DT in the SEC, having the same crew of highly suspect CBs as last year, and hoping that more true freshmen can help out at safety: good times.

by Texas_Dawg on May 23, 2008 12:20 PM EDT reply actions