FULMER CUP: GUNS (FISTS) UP! PLUS: BULLDOGS, CARS, MATH.

by Orson on May 22, 2008 1:47 PM EDT

This Fulmer Cup is brought to you by Pete Carroll and American Idol, now appearing 32 times a week on the FOX Network.

Texas Tech spreads the field and score this week with an assault charge for Stephen Hamby, Texas Tech's starting center and expert jawbreaker: two punches to the face in an altercation from the Red Raiders in what can only be described as an extremely failed goodwill mission into the community on Hamby's part. Assault is a generic three-point felony award in the Fulmer Cup, though no action will be taken by Mike Leach, who is waiting on "the facts" before punishing Hamby just as a real pirate captain would. Pirates do not yield parking spaces!

This should clear up one of the charges waiting in the Fulmer Cup Processing Station. More on that in a bit.

Georgia Bulldogs and cars again prove to be a magical cocktail (odious pun FTW!) as Georgia offensive lineman Clint Boling gets a DUI in Alpharetta. We can't blame him, considering that if we lived in Alpharetta we'd be driving around Oliver Reed-drunk constantly and challenging total strangers to arm-wrestling matches after drinking five bottles of rum in a sitting. We're tempted to give him bonus points for pulling the Shaggy defense (it wasn't me) when pulled over, but it's just a few inches over the line into "lame" and not far enough into "gloriously brazen" for us to "reward."

Two points for the DUI for Georgia, who again needs to just tell every single Georgia player to ride a damn bike. Gas prices and the certainty of being arrested for something you do in a car mandate it, Bulldogs.

Further clarifications on the remaining charges in the Station will be tallied up for an update on Tuesday. (Remember: Monday is for drinking, barbecue, and drinking, and barbecue, and napping and drinking repeat.) There's a backlog, but with so much to keep track of and the release of GTA IV, there's really no time left in our already punishing cycle of blogging, scrapbooking, and jazzercise.

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Comments

Firs…. no wait, I’m not retarded. My mistake.

by meatybob on May 22, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

How can we be sure that this is actually another LSUFreek tour de force and not actually from Pete Carroll’s website?

by DC Trojan on May 22, 2008 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

Why anybody would fight over property in Lubbock, TX is beyond me."

“That’s my piece of ****!”
“No, mine!!”

by ThreenOut on May 22, 2008 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

“Two points for the DUI for Georgia, who again needs to just tell every single Georgia player to ride a damn bike.”

Not at Penn State… the Borough of State College passed a law a couple years ago where drunkenly riding a bike had the same repercussions as drunkenly driving a car.

A classmate of mine got “pulled over” and got a full DUI.

by aventius on May 22, 2008 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

Damn you, internal-combustion engine, damn you to hell!

by Doug on May 22, 2008 3:02 PM EDT reply actions

Jazzercise?
Sorry, I’ll take my Hanoi Jane Aerobics FTW.

by GamecockTony on May 22, 2008 3:09 PM EDT reply actions

Bikes might work. Scooters, OTOH…

by Because They Can on May 22, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

We’re Georgia. We drank.

by NRBQ on May 22, 2008 4:29 PM EDT reply actions

I thought the Hinn/Paterno piece was a classic. This is Citizen Fucking Kane.

by This Guy on May 22, 2008 4:35 PM EDT reply actions

The last time I saw the USC band is a similar setting, they were adding flavor to a Fleetwood Mac concert. Now this. Sad…..

by Bamaleg on May 22, 2008 5:28 PM EDT reply actions

I would like to note that drinking on a bicycle is still a DUI. Gator players know this rule all too well, but feel free to continue publishing the incorrect information to neighboring/rival college programs

cough cough FSU/UGA cough cough

by UFJim on May 22, 2008 6:49 PM EDT reply actions

Upon further inspection of crime scene photos, police sources revealed that Mudcat’s car was parked just a few feet from where Mr. Bolling was arrested. The curse continues.

by lloyd christmas on May 23, 2008 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

According to ESPN – Montana offensive lineman J.D. Quinn was arrested Thursday on charges of drunken driving, his second DUI charge in less than a year. The Georgia curse has expanded to Montana. Or is that the Tennessee curse?

by hobeg8r on May 23, 2008 11:04 AM EDT reply actions

Uva currently has a commit from a guy in harrisonburg VA. He admitted to planning an armed robbery about a month ago. At present he has not been charged, possible some Uva influence there.

by Hokies on May 25, 2008 6:53 PM EDT reply actions