This Fulmer Cup is brought to you by Pete Carroll and American Idol, now appearing 32 times a week on the FOX Network.

Texas Tech spreads the field and score this week with an assault charge for Stephen Hamby, Texas Tech’s starting center and expert jawbreaker: two punches to the face in an altercation from the Red Raiders in what can only be described as an extremely failed goodwill mission into the community on Hamby’s part. Assault is a generic three-point felony award in the Fulmer Cup, though no action will be taken by Mike Leach, who is waiting on “the facts” before punishing Hamby just as a real pirate captain would. Pirates do not yield parking spaces!

This should clear up one of the charges waiting in the Fulmer Cup Processing Station. More on that in a bit.

Georgia Bulldogs and cars again prove to be a magical cocktail (odious pun FTW!) as Georgia offensive lineman Clint Boling gets a DUI in Alpharetta. We can’t blame him, considering that if we lived in Alpharetta we’d be driving around Oliver Reed-drunk constantly and challenging total strangers to arm-wrestling matches after drinking five bottles of rum in a sitting. We’re tempted to give him bonus points for pulling the Shaggy defense (it wasn’t me) when pulled over, but it’s just a few inches over the line into “lame” and not far enough into “gloriously brazen” for us to “reward.”

Two points for the DUI for Georgia, who again needs to just tell every single Georgia player to ride a damn bike. Gas prices and the certainty of being arrested for something you do in a car mandate it, Bulldogs.

Further clarifications on the remaining charges in the Station will be tallied up for an update on Tuesday. (Remember: Monday is for drinking, barbecue, and drinking, and barbecue, and napping and drinking repeat.) There’s a backlog, but with so much to keep track of and the release of GTA IV, there’s really no time left in our already punishing cycle of blogging, scrapbooking, and jazzercise.