FOOTBALL IN SOUTH FLORIDA: PSYCHICS NEEDED

by Orson on May 22, 2008 11:36 AM EDT

Small-time D1 programs must claw their way up with the support of mega-boosters and the largesse bestowed on them by larger programs in exchange for getting their teeth kicked in on Saturdays. Desperate measures, but by no means the limit in terms of the extremes programs will go to in order to raise money for the program, up to and including holding "networking benefits" for the athletic program with entertainment better fitting a retirement home than a fundraiser.

It all sounds ordinary enough, until you realize that Natasha Lipschtick & the Psychic Yentas will be at hand to read palms, lip prints, handwriting, Tarot cards, shells, sand, auras, tea leaves, crystal balls, and even wallets (theyll be especially interested in those).Geddy the (Breakdancing) Gecko, a nationally acclaimed mascot-for-hire since 1995, will add flair to the festivities, which include: a DJ, a Summer Basics fashion show, a 2-for-1 Happy Hour, food, gaming, prize drawings, and a UFO fly-by. That last parts made up, but it shouldnt be ruled out when the Psychic Yentas are in town, the impossible becomes possible. The shindig runs from 6 8 p.m. Tickets cost $25; $20 if you RSVP.

Tickets still available! Clearly there's a disconnect here. (Though perhaps the intent is to suck confused retirees in and then get them to write checks for robot insurance in the form of football players protecting their community.) All the FAU athletic department need to do is print up a simple flyer sans expensive psychics and fashion show. It should look something like this:

plus

equals

See? Saved you thousands of dollars in entertainment expenses there. You want dinosaurs flying jets, just put barrel-aged sexy and his suspenders at a bar and let the masses mingle. He'll have them signing over second mortgages for the Owls in no time.

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Tyrannosaurs in F-14s!

Bill Watterson is an appropriately-rated genius.

by Hannibal Montegna on May 22, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions

Rex never leaves his wingman.

by Kenny on May 22, 2008 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

You left off the most important line of the ad:

“Water will not be served.”

by Soonertruth on May 22, 2008 11:51 AM EDT reply actions

Uh, Orson…. About the recreational drug use….

Keep it up – today’s posts have been pure genius. Warped, but genius.

by Cock D on May 22, 2008 12:09 PM EDT reply actions

Bill Waterson is my hero. I’m naming my next short story after one of his books (“Something Under the Bed is Drooling”).

by CockDonor on May 22, 2008 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

Psychic Yentas? Are those, like, Jewish mothers who get together and nag their children telepathically? shudders Or maybe they can read your fortune from tchochkies?

+1 Orson. Bill Waterson rules. Calvin was my first tattoo. (no, not the bullshit window sticker peeing Calvin)

by RoseBowlBears on May 22, 2008 12:36 PM EDT reply actions

What’s flying in the sky to the right of T-Rex?

Is he being attacked by flying Velociraptor Claws?

by Ryno on May 22, 2008 12:41 PM EDT reply actions

“Tyrannosaurs in F-14s!” Really? Looks like Allosaurus in an F-15 to me. Come on, everyone knows Tyrannosaurs can’t fly a jet with those little arms … sheeez

by mastergator on May 22, 2008 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

Ryno, Triceratops on the ground.

by Bagger Douche on May 22, 2008 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

For you Calvin and Hobbs fans, here is a link to the whole run:
http://1o22.net/candh/index.htm
D

by Austin Dave on May 22, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions

Bill Watterson is amazing…..and an alum of my school- Kenyon College. Go Lords!

(hey, it’s not very often we get to pimp a D3 school on a site like this, so….)

by MikeLew on May 22, 2008 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

Ol’ Howie has plenty of tricks up his sleeve.

by NOLAcane on May 22, 2008 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

Howard is a Man Beast. The virtue of the Psychic Yentas is in jeopardy.

by sonofsamford on May 22, 2008 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

Mark you calendars: October 18th will feature Schnellenberger and his smooth rum against fellow I-A noob Big Red and his straight bourbon.

by jakldawg on May 22, 2008 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

Barrel-aged rum and a t-rex/allosaurus transmogrified Calvin flying an f-15 is the coolest…

by sb on May 22, 2008 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

I was having a really shitty day and this made me laugh. Thanks Orson.

by robert on May 22, 2008 1:43 PM EDT reply actions

It is an F-14!!!!

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://kellyaviation.com/aviation-photos/d/134-2/Grumman-F-14-over_USS_Carl_Vinson.jpg&imgrefurl=http://kellyaviation.com/aviation-library/grumman/grumman-f-14-tomcat.php&h=599&w=435&sz=67&hl=en&start=19&um=1&tbnid=wukRKk1Cn14A3M:&tbnh=135&tbnw=98&prev=/images%3Fq%3DF-14%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

an F-15’s exhaust is positioned differently.

http://www.wallpaperbase.com/wallpapers/military/f15eagle/f_15_eagle_10.jpg

by war eagle on May 22, 2008 2:09 PM EDT reply actions