Everyday Should Be Saturday

May 22, 2008

TY GOES FOR TWO

We’re heading into the official nadir of collegefootballdom, Memorial Day. But there’s good news, like the fact that you’re past halfway to the season, and that Phil Steele’s fan polls are getting rigged by Mormons, and that long after his departure from Notre Dame Ty Willingham is living your dream: pulling down two paychecks while only working one job.

Weis, who will enter his fourth season at Notre Dame in 2008, did receive a bump from his salary reported by the school from July 1, 2005, to June 30, 2006. In that time frame, Weis made $565,566 in salary, $53,115 in deferred compensation and benefits and had an expense account of $55,100.

His compensation was behind former coach L. Tyrone Willingham then, and for the second straight year, Notre Dame paid Willingham more than its current coach.

The school paid Willingham $650,000 from July 1, 2006, to June 30, 2007, as part of its settlement with the current University of Washington coach after Notre Dame fired him on Nov. 30, 2004.

We have this fiscal armageddon in our heads in two years if Weis doesn’t make it, and ND’s still writing checks to Ty, and to Charlie Weis for his three thousand year contract, and to the interim coach they fired in the meantime, and to me, because someone should write us two paychecks at once, too, and why not you, Notre Dame? We, too can coach a team to 3-9 and figure out that hiring Jon Tenuta is a good thing.

In the meantime, drinks are on Ty. Nice work, sir.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference  by Orson Swindle

MEDIA WHORING: FINEBAUM

MMmmmm…delicious media whoring. We’re on Finebaum today at the top. Have a listen.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, media whoring  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUP: GUNS (FISTS) UP! PLUS: BULLDOGS, CARS, MATH.

This Fulmer Cup is brought to you by Pete Carroll and American Idol, now appearing 32 times a week on the FOX Network.

Texas Tech spreads the field and score this week with an assault charge for Stephen Hamby, Texas Tech’s starting center and expert jawbreaker: two punches to the face in an altercation from the Red Raiders in what can only be described as an extremely failed goodwill mission into the community on Hamby’s part. Assault is a generic three-point felony award in the Fulmer Cup, though no action will be taken by Mike Leach, who is waiting on “the facts” before punishing Hamby just as a real pirate captain would. Pirates do not yield parking spaces!

This should clear up one of the charges waiting in the Fulmer Cup Processing Station. More on that in a bit.

Georgia Bulldogs and cars again prove to be a magical cocktail (odious pun FTW!) as Georgia offensive lineman Clint Boling gets a DUI in Alpharetta. We can’t blame him, considering that if we lived in Alpharetta we’d be driving around Oliver Reed-drunk constantly and challenging total strangers to arm-wrestling matches after drinking five bottles of rum in a sitting. We’re tempted to give him bonus points for pulling the Shaggy defense (it wasn’t me) when pulled over, but it’s just a few inches over the line into “lame” and not far enough into “gloriously brazen” for us to “reward.”

Two points for the DUI for Georgia, who again needs to just tell every single Georgia player to ride a damn bike. Gas prices and the certainty of being arrested for something you do in a car mandate it, Bulldogs.

Further clarifications on the remaining charges in the Station will be tallied up for an update on Tuesday. (Remember: Monday is for drinking, barbecue, and drinking, and barbecue, and napping and drinking repeat.) There’s a backlog, but with so much to keep track of and the release of GTA IV, there’s really no time left in our already punishing cycle of blogging, scrapbooking, and jazzercise.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Southeastern Conference, drankin'  by Orson Swindle

FOOTBALL IN SOUTH FLORIDA: PSYCHICS NEEDED

Small-time D1 programs must claw their way up with the support of mega-boosters and the largesse bestowed on them by larger programs in exchange for getting their teeth kicked in on Saturdays. Desperate measures, but by no means the limit in terms of the extremes programs will go to in order to raise money for the program, up to and including holding “networking benefits” for the athletic program with entertainment better fitting a retirement home than a fundraiser.

It all sounds ordinary enough, until you realize that Natasha Lipschtick & the Psychic Yentas will be at hand to read palms, lip prints, handwriting, Tarot cards, shells, sand, auras, tea leaves, crystal balls, and even wallets (they’ll be especially interested in those).Geddy the (Breakdancing) Gecko, a nationally acclaimed mascot-for-hire since 1995, will add flair to the festivities, which include: a DJ, a “Summer Basics” fashion show, a 2-for-1 Happy Hour, food, gaming, prize drawings, and a UFO fly-by. That last part’s made up, but it shouldn’t be ruled out — when the Psychic Yentas are in town, the impossible becomes possible. The shindig runs from 6 — 8 p.m. Tickets cost $25; $20 if you RSVP.

Tickets still available! Clearly there’s a disconnect here. (Though perhaps the intent is to suck confused retirees in and then get them to write checks for robot insurance in the form of football players protecting their community.) All the FAU athletic department need to do is print up a simple flyer sans expensive psychics and fashion show. It should look something like this:

plus (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, smoooooooth  by Orson Swindle

IMAGINARY MASCOTS: TWITCHY THE MARTYR

We had this idea just before a post-lunch nap the other day: “Twitchy, the Martyr.” Then we woke up and found a note we’d written to ourself on a scrap piece of paper: “Twitchy, the Martyr.”

After bouncing around our brain for a few caffeine-addled hours, the meaning became all too clear: Twitchy is an imaginary mascot, the meaning and spirit of something embodied in a cartoonish, anthropomorphic form. Thus, we present to you our first imaginary mascot, Twitchy the Martyr, the mascot for Jihad A&M University. Lovingly by LSUFreek with some degree of homage to Hoodwinked.


Tasteful: Twitchy the Martyr, and his adoring fans. They take the field with a BOOM!



Filed under: going to, imaginary mascots, see: hell  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 5/22/08

The USC band has no shame. This is a compliment.

USC’s Pete Carroll, while not exactly wanting to limit Renaldo Lapuz’s claim on being your brother, would like to point out that he, too, is your brother. Facebook update: Pete wishes all USC grads a big, warm congratulations on graduating.

What? Not jacked about this? Or pumped? Sad USC grads cry into their tassels at your merely enthusiastic kudos, Pete.

Boone’s back! Made ya look! T. Boone Pickens continues to shower money on Oklahoma State like it was a prize stripper, giving $100 million more to the school he’s already given somewhere in the area of $290 million dollars to–with 92% going to (gulp) athletics. Not this batch: the hundy will go towards making Oklahoma State doubly endowed, a sort of academic penis enlargement for the school performed in an exclusive Mexican surgical center with T. Boone’s help.

Where’s my humility? Aw hell, I’ll just make the speech without it:

“Boone’s back, and Boone’s back with money,” Pickens said before a crowd gathered for the announcement at OSU. “Be patient. I’m not through.”

You can address yourself in the third person when you’re rich enough to clone yourself three times over: Pickens is allegedly worth around $3 billion dollars.

State Senators, I present to you this gavel made of foreign foreskins. Tim Tebow addresses the Florida legislature.

Tebow told senators that “We are a nation in need of character and in need of doing the right thing.”

Character? Bad? Good? Indifferent? We agree, Tim, but specify what type of character we need here. For our two cents, the Swindle senate campaign officially endorses this book as our guide to character. Who else had the bravery to beat up a cop who was beating up a prostitute? Peter O’Toole did.

UVA is doing the Iowa State thing and selling USC tickets as part of a bundled ACC package, not at all grubbing in the money at all, no. Just merely trying to satisfy USC fans’ insatiable appetite for the Cavaliers/Terps rivalry.

Big Fulmer Cupdate coming today, as well as our new series Imaginary Mascots. LSUFreek will be flexing his muscles as the only human being who can properly illustrate our subconscious.



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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