YOU'LL DO IT FOR THE TEAM.
by Orson on May 21, 2008 11:31 AM EDT
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Let's talk.Hey, man. Have a seat. How's class? Good? Great. Good to hear. That thing in the club the other night? Don't do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels. Either that or hit them with a phone book. Lou Holtz taught me a lot of things, and the most important one is that if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.
Anyway, I want to talk to you about your 40 time. You've done a lot of work. Sprints. Box jumps. Strengthening your hamstrings. Mickey says your work ethic is beyond any of your peers. But it's not the top one percent of one percent. It's just not.
We've hit a wall. I have a solution. Don't freak out when I say this. I'm just going to show you a picture, and give it a thought, okay? Promise? Seriously, I will beat you down with a phonebook if you attack me when I show you this picture. Because I love you. Ready?
I've already talked with the medical staff about it, and it's beyond doable. A simple operation compared to some of the stuff they do. We can set it up however you like. You'll get ass for the rest of your life with the story we'll cook up: saving a puppy from getting hit by a semi, fighting off a gang of bikers trying to rape a pair of nuns, something like that.
And he flies in these things. Have you seen him? 4.6, and he's white. Imagine what you'll do in these. I want to make the edges serrated on your playing legs. Just for the extra edge. Get it? Edge?
I can see you're thinking about it. I like that. Just consider this: what have your legs done for you lately? We can make the legs look any way you like, too. Orange and Blue. Little LEDs in them. You'll never have to worry about an ankle or heel injury ever again. Imagine that.
The recruiting angle will be incredible, too. We get to be heartwarming and on the forefront of football technology.
Just think it over. I know you'll do it. For the team. You just need time to think this over. I'll let you have it. Let me just finish with this: you'll have robot legs. Don't you want super robot legs? Isn't that what champions want? Super robot champion legs? We're offering that to you and a free college education.
Think about it. I'm done here. The rest is up to you...super robot champion.
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Kudos, Orson, for giving me my first laugh of the day!
by not-so-innocent bystander on May 21, 2008 11:36 AM EDT reply actions
…if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.
Beautiful.
by Geaux Irish on May 21, 2008 11:44 AM EDT reply actions
Riley Cooper needs to nut up and make this happen.
by mlmintampa on May 21, 2008 11:54 AM EDT reply actions
I love your site and visit daily because you’re usually funny as hell….But, this post just made me cringe. I’m embarrassed that I even read the whole thing after the jump.
by Dawg Pound on May 21, 2008 12:00 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah, but things didn’t exactly work out when we got Marcus Thomas that steady stream of Nuke.
by Bagger Douche on May 21, 2008 12:02 PM EDT reply actions
I smell stocking stuffers for next year’s secondary…
by TheGreatShocka on May 21, 2008 12:03 PM EDT reply actions
How many dead girl credit cards does it take to buy a set of those?
*note that the runner is actually sponsored by VISA.
by Jester on May 21, 2008 12:13 PM EDT reply actions
If we have made a Georgia fan cringe, our work for the day is done.
by Orson Swindle on May 21, 2008 12:15 PM EDT reply actions
@8
Just one, this is UF, our parents have great FICO’s.
by plastic paddy on May 21, 2008 12:21 PM EDT reply actions
Super Robot Champion will not fail you Rainbow Chicken
by Jerkwheat on May 21, 2008 12:26 PM EDT reply actions
Shorter* Dawg Pound: “I didn’t have to take irony at UGA; they used to let you substitute it with ‘Fundamentals of Coaching Baketball,’ with Coach Harrick.”
(*not much shorter. shutup.)
by now_a_hoo on May 21, 2008 12:30 PM EDT reply actions
Knowshon could have used those prosthetic limbs at last years WLOCP. That first touchdown would have not looked so iffyish. Boiiiing!
On a related note…….
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2007/11/video-fix-super.html
by hunglikehussain on May 21, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
Oh sure, he’s great in a straight line… but can he cut with those things?
by PeterPumpkinhead on May 21, 2008 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
“That thing in the club the other night? Dont do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels.”
I like to follow the advice of Chris Rock when it comes to matters like this: “I would never ever ever hit a woman…but I’ll shake the shit outta one.”
by slim charles 89 on May 21, 2008 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
@8:
The RACE is sponsored by Visa. The runner probably has amateur status. Otherwise you’d see the Nike swoosh on those SUPER ROBOT LEGS.
by Not You on May 21, 2008 1:27 PM EDT reply actions
The Gators play Football In The 21st Century, bitches.
by Allahver Fist on May 21, 2008 1:43 PM EDT reply actions
Ans Orson@ #9:
I’m fairly certain that Quincy Carter repeated the same affirmation before going to bed every night.
by MaconDawg on May 21, 2008 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
@13
Do you really want to unleash Robowshon onto the college football world?
by brian on May 21, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
thank you EDSBS for once again being the highlight of an otherwise dull work day
by drunkentiger on May 21, 2008 5:12 PM EDT reply actions
Last night at the local Gator Gathering, I asked Charlie Strong if he’d let Tim Tebow circumcise his children. He just laughed his ass off.
I took that as a “yes.”
by Mätt on May 21, 2008 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
sorry orson,
copped two bits from your blog for my latest post. only properly attributed one. what is it, just over three months till football? is baseball on now? never mind.
by 911doc on May 25, 2008 1:41 AM EDT reply actions
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