How do you turn a refined-looking, bow-wielding Elvish warrior into a redneck car thief in one fell swoop?
Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
He just looks like he’s about to tell you your exhaust manifold needs to be replaced and that he’s impregnated your daughter, doesn’t he?
RCR sent us these this morning, and we vow to have a duplicate no matter how many alligators we have to boom stick in the dead of night in forgotten bayou somewhere in Central Florida. As the headline suggests, it really only has trouble if you’re wearing a kicker’s cleat and Auburn jersey, in which case you will hear engine sputtering, disturbing rattling noises, and then run out of gas just shy of the gas station.
Dig the recessed headlight. (HT: RCR.)
Always pay your traffic tickets, especially if you just happen to be a merciless killer with bodies to hide. Nothing’s a bigger bummer than evading the police for years just to be caught on a technicality, and if you don’t believe us, ask Ted Bundy.
Speaking of mercenary souls with scarily black eyes and wandering ways, Bobby Petrino has one point added to the Razorbacks’ total with the arrest of Arkansas running back Brandon Barnett on an outstanding traffic warrant–a cheap way to earn FC points, but there it is. Petrino claims to have had no idea of Barnett’s outstanding ticket, and we believe him, especially as his attention was likely diverted looking through the want ads in College Coaching Monthly.
Odd side note from the Wikipedia entry on Ted Bundy:
On January 2, 1978, he went to an Ann Arbor bar and watched his former University of Washington Huskies beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl
Let’s…go…Huskies?
Our night on the set of Inside the NBA is documented here. Charles Barkley, sadly, did not flex his Auburn-level geography skills while we were there.
Let’s talk.Hey, man. Have a seat. How’s class? Good? Great. Good to hear. That thing in the club the other night? Don’t do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels. Either that or hit them with a phone book. Lou Holtz taught me a lot of things, and the most important one is that if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.
Anyway, I want to talk to you about your 40 time. You’ve done a lot of work. Sprints. Box jumps. Strengthening your hamstrings. Mickey says your work ethic is beyond any of your peers. But it’s not the top one percent of one percent. It’s just not.
We’ve hit a wall. I have a solution. Don’t freak out when I say this. I’m just going to show you a picture, and give it a thought, okay? Promise? Seriously, I will beat you down with a phonebook if you attack me when I show you this picture. Because I love you. Ready?
Hotty Toddy Gosh Almighty who the hell is she! Flim Flam, Goddamn she as thick as she can be!
Ole Miss brings the beatz, boy. (HT: RCR)
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Rich Rodriguez held a lengthy presser yesterday, astounding the local press with his ability to answer questions without gritting his teeth or strangling kittens. DickRod even commented on his ongoing legal tussle with West Virginia and the disagreement with Joe Tiller over an oral commitment stolen out from under him by Michigan. When pressed about the conversations and whether there’s a gentleman’s agreement to avoid committed recruits, Rodriguez stood his ground. “We didn’t write an agreement down. … That’s what I got a kick out of. I didn’t see any memos across the desk, and nobody could recollect anything.” Rodriguez pleading Reagan on this makes us titter, if only because Tiller believed he could make “a gentleman’s agreement” in college football re: recruiting. We have another deal for Tiller. We will send an attractive female relative of yours out with a very attractive 23 year old man. We will give them two tickets to a local all-you-can-drink beer festival, but only if they promise not to have sex at any point during the day or evening. (No “oral commitments,” either.) It’ll all go according to plan! We swear! Hayes has his top players in the Big 12 up by position, and Oklahoma’s sizing up to have a positively monstrous offensive line this year. They’re chocked with all-name nutrition, too: Duke Washington and Phil Loadholt were born to be linemen. Peter thinks the Big 12 will be the Pac-10 of the ’90s this year, all points and ole! defense, but he’s forgetting that Will Muschamp just walked into Austin. BOOM Motherfucker will have the Longhorns get their maim on soonishly. I am obsessed with titties and compelled to gamble on riverboats. We wish Ryan Perrilloux the best at Jacksonville State, and hope he continues to take his medications. However, it’s not his fault, because he has a disorder, and that makes it all okay. He also revealed that before last season, he was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and was prescribed medication to control symptoms such as anxiety. That explains everything. The bills tucked into the garter never lined up! The stacks of chips never lined up! There must be five ice cubes in this drink! FIVE! BTW, Alonzo Spellman thinks you’re a total wuss, kid. They did tie Auburn in the 1937 Bacardi Bowl. Villanova opens the season for West Virginia, assuring us that even if the new-fangled ‘Eer offense isn’t immediately in rhythm, you won’t know it in week one anyway. Villanova’s last real moment of football glory came in the 1937 Bacardi Bowl in Cuba, a 6-6 tie with Auburn nearly postponed when the new dickhead-with-epaulets-in-charge, Fulgencio Batista, had the game postponed until the programs could be reprinted with a picture of himself on them. Any excuse to post Basement Jaxx videos. Andrew Luck n00b qb for the Stanford Cardinal, was valedictorian of his class, meaning he’s either real smart, or his high school class had five people in it. We just post this for two reasons: one, to prepare you for any and all groan-inducing “good Luck” puns, and two, because it means we can tangentially find an excuse to post the video for “Good Luck.” You must love a band that uses no fewer than ten rhythm tracks in every song, and features a video where the female protagonist takes her triflin’ boyfriend and locks him up in solitary. Well played, Lisa. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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