GUEST COLUMNIST: HILLARY CLINTON

by Orson on May 20, 2008 12:20 PM EDT

Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU! (Applause stops.) Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Hillary Clinton.com. Thank you.

What a pleasure it is to be addressing college football fan supporters. It's a real pleasure to talk sports and not politics with hard-working and hard-playing white sports fans like you. Contrary to what some people may be saying, college-educated voters white have been voting for me in states across this union. People just like you in states like West Virginia and Kentucky! Thank you so much for your support.

Loves the way you decide things, college football fans.

I'd also like to thank Orson for giving me a chance to talk here. Here's hoping he enjoys that ambassadorship to Congo-Brazzaville! I promised him Trinidad, but his attention span's short. Enjoy the weekly coups and astonishing HIV rates! Just kidding! And I'm not.

But I'm not here to talk shop. I want to commend you on the way you, college football fans, settle your champions. Rather than having a playoff--which doesn't let the voice of the people determine a winner--you let the people vote. I do believe our friends from Florida should have a voice, especially those in the panhandle white who have given me so much support.

I want to continue this dialogue, and hold the big drug companies and the oil companies accountable. I'm a fighter! I'll gouge your eyes out with a melon baller to represent the people! You want a fighter! A maimer! An accountless thug who'll beat your enemies and anyone else you point at with a sock full of washers! Or strangle an intern to death in the dimly lit parking lot of a Food Lion in Fayetteville, Arkansas in 1985! For calling her ankles fat in the break from! I fight! ROOOOAARRRGH!!!!

(Scattered applause.)

But I disagree with T.K. Wetherell, a good friend and president of Florida State University, when he says a playoff is inevitable. Nothing is inevitable! Nothing's been decided yet. You have to let the white people vote. Let the white people vote.

FREE GAS! FREE GAS! I WILL GIVE YOU FREE GAS! A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN IN EVERY POT!

(Louder applause. A lone spectator yells out "FREE BIIIIIIIRD!")

And that's why the current system is so beautiful. You just play, and then the people debate. Then, you play bowl games, and everyone then has to kind of just sit around and debate who won. Now, that's fun! That's the way to determine a winner: stand back, evaluate their strengths, and then calmly and objectively evaluate who is best and ready on day one to be the national champion.

MUSLIM FRIED CHICKEN TERRORIST! DURK ER DOO! I SHOT SERBIANS WITH MY OWN HANDS AND THEN DRANK THEIR BLOOD! VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA AND HE IS BLACK AND MUSLIM!

It's a lovely way to decide your season. Let's hope the American people follow your white suit and put me over the top today on election day! Thank you for your white support! I want to continue this white dialogue!

(Moderate applause. Same guy: "THIS IS OUUUUUUUUR COUNTRAAAY!!!!")

I will fight for you! I will be your national champion! I will disfigure, disembowel, burn the face off of, and destroy anyone you find threatening, white America! I WILL USE FORBIDDEN KILLING TECHNIQUES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF! FIGHT FIGHT GRRR MAIM TASTY FACECAKES OF ENEMY FLESH KILL VOTE WIN!

(Loud applause. Campaign plant yells "REMEMBER NUMBER THREE!!!")

God bless you, and God Bless America,

HillaryClinton.com

ps. Free. Gas. The oil companies. White.

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Comments

Nicely done.
What’s with the picture of Bozo the Clown, though?

by GamecockTony on May 20, 2008 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

Nicely done, Orson, but are there cattle prod threats for the comments given the nature of the post?

by Signal to Noise on May 20, 2008 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

Assumed, they should be.

by Orson Swindle on May 20, 2008 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

“I’m That Dog, and I approved this commercial.”

by DC Trojan on May 20, 2008 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

That pic should be the new Arkansas Razorback logo…see current Pitt Dinobeagle atrocity as Long’s past work.

by Jester on May 20, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

Which is more likely at this point:

College football moving to a playoff system,
The U.S. government being able to exert any influence over the oil companies, or
Hillary Clinton winning the Democratic nomination?

by Doug on May 20, 2008 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

Lord…

I share an office with people now. I should no better than to read these things. It’s hard to quietly laugh that hard.

Bravo.

by cocknfire on May 20, 2008 12:39 PM EDT reply actions

White.

by Snowflake the Dog on May 20, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

Of the three, the only one that might, by some miracle, happen…
The U.S. government being able to exert any influence over the oil companies.

The other two…never. The first has everything to do with money and a bunch of schools would be left out. Plus, how would all you boys fill your time from the end of November to January without the 236 bowl games?

Hillary Clinton as the nominee? The numbers will never add up to a nomination, even though her campaign keeps changing the benchmark. I do appreciate their creativeness with numbers and their minimal mathematical abilities. (Nick Saban running those numbers?) If Florida and Michigan didn’t have an overwhelmingly white population, she would never have used those stats as part of her argument.

This post is from a woman and a democrat.

by blon57 on May 20, 2008 12:43 PM EDT reply actions

I didn’t realize you were such a Hillary homer Orson. ;)

by Stockman on May 20, 2008 12:44 PM EDT reply actions

“Free Biiiiiiird!” LMAO

by socalbryan on May 20, 2008 12:45 PM EDT reply actions

Cankles.

by lawtool on May 20, 2008 12:48 PM EDT reply actions

- Apparently, you haven’t visited Detroit lately. There are many words I’d use to describe the Mitten, and overwhelmingly white are not two of them.

by Ground0EastLansing on May 20, 2008 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

Ryan Perrillousx would be in a quandry if given the chance to vote on this. I bet Hillary makes a stiffer drink.

by Out of Conference on May 20, 2008 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

She’s gonna clap clap point point ALLTHEWAYTOTHEWHITEHOUSEWHOOOOOOOOO

by Oops Pow Surprise on May 20, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

#13

Isn’t Detroit a demographic aberration from the rest of the state?

by blon57 on May 20, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

Blon57, great post.
That picture of Hillary scares me more than an ACL injury.

by Anonymous IV on May 20, 2008 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

FINALLY! A candidate that speaks to my values and interests!!!!111

by Ryno on May 20, 2008 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

More disturbing expression: Hillary above or the UCLA bear? Discuss.

by Because They Can on May 20, 2008 1:15 PM EDT reply actions

That Dog is pretty solidly behind Ron Paul, but he finds Hillary intriguing.

by Harris on May 20, 2008 1:20 PM EDT reply actions

Hillary was once pinned down by sniper fire outside the ’87 Orange Bowl.

by Allahver Fist on May 20, 2008 1:20 PM EDT reply actions

I threw up in my mouth a little.

by Me on May 20, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

— and the largest Arabic population outside of the Middle East means nothing to you?

by Clem on May 20, 2008 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

Congrats Orson, I hear Kinshasa is lovely this time of year.

by Chips O'Toole on May 20, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

White and college educated; man do I feel backed into a corner …

by Sundawg on May 20, 2008 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

- Hillary above. I think she’s getting ready to bite whoever she’s facing, whereas the bear is just warning.

by Jeremy on May 20, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

According to the US Census Bureau as of 2006
Michigan: White persons not Hispanic, 77.7%
Florida: White persons not Hispanic, 61.3%
USA: White persons not Hispanic, 66.4%

by Anonymous IV on May 20, 2008 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

The most experience I have with Detroit is a the airport. I’ve flown into the city several times, just to change planes. My friends from Michigan advised me to never, ever to leave the airport so I assumed that it wasn’t pretty outside the gates. They mentioned something about a lot of guns and crime…

I grew up and currently live in Texas. Our favorite activities are guns, executions and football, and not necessarily in that order.

by blon57 on May 20, 2008 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

Allahver @21, I think the joke is that you have to tell stories that didn’t actually happen. True stories don’t work.

by Oops Pow Surprise on May 20, 2008 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

And I didn’t put the last line to my last post….

So Detroit probably wouldn’t bother me that much.

by blon57 on May 20, 2008 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

For whatever reason, Wordpress ate a previous comment. So if something similar appears from me at a later time, I apologize.

According to the US Census Bureau, Michigan’s citizenry is 14.3% black (national average is 12.8%) and 81.2% white (national average is 80.1%). Detroit is predominantly black at 81.6%.

by maskedavenger on May 20, 2008 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

You know, based on this, I would be willing to support her as long as she actually had Houston Nutt as the running mate…

by Vandy J on May 20, 2008 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

Clem @ 23 – unless they’re planning to create fleet of car bombs via some monkey business in the Palestinian-dominated car wash business… no, not really.

by DC Trojan on May 20, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

Ty Willingham will cost Obama the Primary.

by Bagger Douche on May 20, 2008 2:06 PM EDT reply actions

Detroit does have Windsor going for it.

by Out of Conference on May 20, 2008 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

I enjoy people who buy into Obama’s cult of personality.

(Not saying he wouldn’t be a good president, but how the fuck could anyone know if he could get shit done?)

by 2L over the line, sweet jesus on May 20, 2008 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Freaking laughing my ass off.

by JRM on May 20, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

#23, Maskedavenger your post did not take into consideration the % of Hispanic people that can classify themselves as Caucasian. Remember an Hispanic can be of any race.

by Anonymous IV on May 20, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

I like Obama because he like change and hope and bunny rabbits.

by socalbryan on May 20, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

Obama’s speech

something i did a while back.

by ThreenOut on May 20, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

Who knew an overbite could be so terrifying…I’ll have nightmares now, dammit.

by sb on May 20, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions

was this talk of forbidden killing techniques her signaling that tommy tuberville will be her secretary of defense?

by okiedomer on May 20, 2008 2:24 PM EDT reply actions

To the extent that it matters, the Michigan “White Person not Hispanic” percentage is 77.7, while the national percentage is 66.4.

For whatever reason, Wordpress appears not to like the link to the Census data. A google search for “census Michigan” will lead to that appropriate webpage.

by maskedavenger on May 20, 2008 2:24 PM EDT reply actions

“I HAVE A VAGINA”, forces all male readers to check their package and quickly think of something else.

by mastergator on May 20, 2008 2:44 PM EDT reply actions

All you need to know about the 2008 Election courtesy of a southern lawyer:

Obamas = both lawyers
Clintons= both lawyers
McCains = war hero married to a former USC cheerleader who owns a beer distributorship

Hope and change < beer

by CrimsonBarrister on May 20, 2008 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

Orson Swindle, I kind of want to marry you after reading that. hahahahahahhahahahahahaha.

by Allison on May 20, 2008 2:59 PM EDT reply actions

CrimsonBarrister @ 45 – that doesn’t make me want to vote McCain, but it does open up some interesting cougar / sugar mommy options when the old boy eventually falls off his perch.

by DC Trojan on May 20, 2008 3:01 PM EDT reply actions

- forget that. Go for the “other man” status and then work your way up.

by Signal to Noise on May 20, 2008 4:30 PM EDT reply actions

Heath Ledger, RIP

by MCab on May 20, 2008 4:35 PM EDT reply actions

#36

Only because the Living Colour guy was black.

by Kecalf Bailey on May 20, 2008 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

S2N @ 48 – no thanks; if my fantasy life extends to dalliances with a beer heiress, I’m going to pretend that I’m knocking boots with one whose face isn’t about to rupture from the botox. She looks like one misplaced smack on the ass could trigger some kind of plastic surgery avalanche.

by DC Trojan on May 20, 2008 5:09 PM EDT reply actions