GUEST COLUMNIST: HILLARY CLINTON

Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU! (Applause stops.) Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Hillary Clinton.com. Thank you.

What a pleasure it is to be addressing college football fan supporters. It's a real pleasure to talk sports and not politics with hard-working and hard-playing white sports fans like you. Contrary to what some people may be saying, college-educated voters white have been voting for me in states across this union. People just like you in states like West Virginia and Kentucky! Thank you so much for your support.

Loves the way you decide things, college football fans.

I'd also like to thank Orson for giving me a chance to talk here. Here's hoping he enjoys that ambassadorship to Congo-Brazzaville! I promised him Trinidad, but his attention span's short. Enjoy the weekly coups and astonishing HIV rates! Just kidding! And I'm not.

But I'm not here to talk shop. I want to commend you on the way you, college football fans, settle your champions. Rather than having a playoff--which doesn't let the voice of the people determine a winner--you let the people vote. I do believe our friends from Florida should have a voice, especially those in the panhandle white who have given me so much support.

I want to continue this dialogue, and hold the big drug companies and the oil companies accountable. I'm a fighter! I'll gouge your eyes out with a melon baller to represent the people! You want a fighter! A maimer! An accountless thug who'll beat your enemies and anyone else you point at with a sock full of washers! Or strangle an intern to death in the dimly lit parking lot of a Food Lion in Fayetteville, Arkansas in 1985! For calling her ankles fat in the break from! I fight! ROOOOAARRRGH!!!!

(Scattered applause.)

But I disagree with T.K. Wetherell, a good friend and president of Florida State University, when he says a playoff is inevitable. Nothing is inevitable! Nothing's been decided yet. You have to let the white people vote. Let the white people vote.

FREE GAS! FREE GAS! I WILL GIVE YOU FREE GAS! A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN IN EVERY POT!

(Louder applause. A lone spectator yells out "FREE BIIIIIIIRD!")

And that's why the current system is so beautiful. You just play, and then the people debate. Then, you play bowl games, and everyone then has to kind of just sit around and debate who won. Now, that's fun! That's the way to determine a winner: stand back, evaluate their strengths, and then calmly and objectively evaluate who is best and ready on day one to be the national champion.

MUSLIM FRIED CHICKEN TERRORIST! DURK ER DOO! I SHOT SERBIANS WITH MY OWN HANDS AND THEN DRANK THEIR BLOOD! VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA AND HE IS BLACK AND MUSLIM!

It's a lovely way to decide your season. Let's hope the American people follow your white suit and put me over the top today on election day! Thank you for your white support! I want to continue this white dialogue!

(Moderate applause. Same guy: "THIS IS OUUUUUUUUR COUNTRAAAY!!!!")

I will fight for you! I will be your national champion! I will disfigure, disembowel, burn the face off of, and destroy anyone you find threatening, white America! I WILL USE FORBIDDEN KILLING TECHNIQUES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF! FIGHT FIGHT GRRR MAIM TASTY FACECAKES OF ENEMY FLESH KILL VOTE WIN!

(Loud applause. Campaign plant yells "REMEMBER NUMBER THREE!!!")

God bless you, and God Bless America,

HillaryClinton.com

ps. Free. Gas. The oil companies. White.

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