CUDDLE PARTY. SEXUAL ASSAULT. OPINIONS VARY.

by Orson on May 20, 2008 10:00 AM EDT

Not always true.

University of Arizona defensive end Jonathan Turner has been indicted in connection with an alleged sexual assault that took place last month. (My, that's a tortured sentence. Viva legalese!) Turner was the projected starter for Arizona, and it's all very sad and unfortunate that the Wildcats will be inconvenienced by his absence.

However, we think any discussion of "cuddling" should be narrowly defined for the benefit of all parties in all cases of close bodily contact. Cuddling is a voluntary activity, and should involve two fully awake partners who agree to any and all cuddling in advance. At no point should a participant in the cuddling "trip out" for any reason. Finally, cuddling also should not involve soiling couches.

"Mr. Turner followed her into the bedroom and stated nothing had happened," the search-warrant affidavit said. "He described (the victim) as 'tripping out.' He continued to state he was just 'cuddling' with (the victim)." The victim was taken to St. Mary's Hospital by her friends, and sheriff's adult-sex-crimes detectives investigated. DNA evidence was obtained, along with two quilts and seat cushions from the couch, the search warrant shows.

This reminder of why sleeping on college students' couches is inadvisable is brought to you by the President's Council For Hygiene, who reminds you that if you had a black light, you wouldn't really be able to sleep anywhere at all, and probably really shouldn't for your own good.

Oh, and give Arizona three points for felony sexual assault, and one additional bonus point for the unsavory details involving a couch and "fluids" for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup. We're going to wash our hands right now.

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Comments

An alternative use for the phrase “making it rain”, perhaps?

by Out of Conference on May 20, 2008 10:07 AM EDT reply actions

Perhaps he was using real life props when doing little Eddie Murphy’s joke at the beginning of “Raw”

by Out of Conference on May 20, 2008 10:08 AM EDT reply actions

Happens to me all the time.
I find some passed out co-ed, and axe her if she wants to cuddle. She snores approvingly, and we begin to spoon.
Sometimes the cuddle partner will wake up when she feels a throbbing sensation near the base of her spine. Then, of course, she trips out.
Being passed out on the couch means she’s asking for it. Duh.

by OMAR on May 20, 2008 10:16 AM EDT reply actions

cuddling is for pussies.
bitches be trippin’.
that is all.

by gerry dorsey on May 20, 2008 10:19 AM EDT reply actions

C’mon, y’all…he was just tryin’ to get in touch with his feminine side…just got confused as to where it was.

by sb on May 20, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

Legal question.

Do the cuddling rules apply to outdoor spooning at NASCAR events?

Any help would be appreciated.

s/ M. Stafford

by CrimsonBarrister on May 20, 2008 10:42 AM EDT reply actions

Hitler slept with a teddy bear? Who knew?

by Expat Ohioan on May 20, 2008 10:42 AM EDT reply actions

Yeah! I wanna know about this too.

Yours truly,

J. Cox
Athens, GA

by yoyofutbawl on May 20, 2008 10:44 AM EDT reply actions

To be fair, I would guess a lot of sexual assaults involve “fluids.” Is the bonus point for revealing the details?

by bk on May 20, 2008 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

#’s 6 and 8…not at sanctioned nascar events in the state of Georgia…I knew that Ga. Bar Exam would come in handy…

by sb on May 20, 2008 10:46 AM EDT reply actions

Whoa.. whoa… whoa… You have to make sure the ladies are awake now?

Whoa.. whoa… whoa… You have to make sure the ladies are awake now?Glad I wasn’t in college during these “communist” rules.

by GamecockTony on May 20, 2008 11:04 AM EDT reply actions

Gamecock Tony @ #11…this is not based on gender, dude…remember Stafford’s pictoral history is based on male spooning…and the statute is stated without any stigma attached therein…

by sb on May 20, 2008 11:08 AM EDT reply actions

At least the Hoopies in West Virginia burn their couches…moonshine stains, be damned!

by Jester on May 20, 2008 11:19 AM EDT reply actions

Is ‘you can’t rape the willing’ a defense? Group 5’s?

by Crabapple Buck on May 20, 2008 11:25 AM EDT reply actions

Notre Dame students recently set the record for most people spooning each other at one time (I love Guiness and their crazy records!).

Turner was just trying to get his school back into contention.

by socalbryan on May 20, 2008 11:26 AM EDT reply actions

And yes, this is worse than using that dead girls credit card.

by socalbryan on May 20, 2008 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

Disagree with the Bonus Point for the physical evidence. If it was a piece of acoustical ceiling tile, maybe.

by Allahver Fist on May 20, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

A year ago, Swindle was writing this.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2007/05/22/how-to-make-love-to-a-_______-fan-florida-edition/

Now, he’s getting all squeamish about bodily fluids. Wha’ happened?

by DevilGrad on May 20, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions

Crabapple @ #14…defined by age…statutory rape (sex with a minor) is state-dependent…its not rape if it was consensual and between adults…

by sb on May 20, 2008 11:44 AM EDT reply actions

Jester @ 13, the couch burnin’ connection to moonshine is astute; spill some of that shit on anything and light a cigarette near it and see what happens.

America’s Apollo Space Program was based on such independent research.

by Sundawg on May 20, 2008 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

#18, DevilGrad

Gay bars.

by Allahver Fist on May 20, 2008 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

sb-

How about the “Blazing Saddles” defense?

“Rape, murder arson, rape…” “Wait! You said rape twice!!!”

“I like rape.”

by yoyofutbawl on May 20, 2008 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t the Google ad widget really throw a Minnesota ring tones ad on this page instead of Michigan? Just curious….

by Out of Conference on May 20, 2008 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

I guess “Cuddles” Swindle is next?

by Raider Red on May 20, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

yoyo @ #22…less a defense as an admission against interest…saying it twice and doing it twice will have a significantly different impact on the defendant’s sentencing…

And for the record, rape is really a disgusting act… if a male cannot entice a female of legal age to spend time with him in a consenting, close, active manner then he should either take care of himself, lower his standards, become more charming, or spend more money.

Sorry, the image kinda got to me…back to our regularly scheduled, irreverent, verbal horseplay.

by sb on May 20, 2008 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Well, I guess he thought he was home free til the Arizona:CSI showed up with their little plastic tool box kit with the cool black flashlights and sunglasses and started looking around,taking pictures and , pointing, laughing out loud, giggling aloud “hey look its even on the ceiling AND the lampshade in the kitchen”….“hell are we sure Peter North didnt live here? looks like a bomb went off on the headboard”

by Mr. Pelican Pants on May 20, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions