This week’s update comes to you courtesy of Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and continues to provide fine updates throughout the long, half-completed marathon of the off-season.

Clarifications, equivocations, and carefully placed profanities follow.

Virginia keeps creeping up in the standings, a quiet lurker just one or two spectacular group incidents away from challenging Missouri for the lead. With a recent paucity of misdemeanors and drunken minor felonies in Knoxville, the Vols’ score seems to have plateaued for the moment. Virginia only has Mike Brown working the board for them, but he’s doing yeoman’s work by his lonesome, tacking on a DWI and failure to take a breath test onto Virginia’s tally for two more points. Mike’s put himself in great position to take the lead for the Ellis T. Jones III Award for individual achievement.

Stolen condoms get Torri Williams and the Purdue Boilermakers on the little board this week thanks to Williams’ ingenious crime: theft of something universities literally throw at students left and right for free, condoms. Perhaps Williams needed Magnums and not the trusty Lifestyles ubiquitous in public health offices, but we doubt it: HIV education sessions are famous for instructors putting their arms in condoms, and whole HIV campaigns in Thailand revolved around Mechai Viravadya (a.k.a. “Mr. Condom”) sticking them on his head like beanie and blowing them up like balloons. (”Not around the face kids! NOT THE FACE!”)

Those things stress-test safely even for cervix-battering Santonio Holmes types with ginormous Boilermakers of their own. The one thing they cannot prevent from transmitting over to Purdue are Fulmer Cup points, as in a point for shoplifting and one extra stupid bonus point for shoplifting something easily obtained free anywhere else.

BTW: What the hell is the Fulmer Cup tally for a charge of cannibalism?