Sometimes, we get our hands on classified documents. They reveal much of the inner workings of college football, and this is no exception. Please see the attached document below on one program’s struggle with attempting to do “gay” recruiting.

Take the disco ball out of the locker room, please.

MEMO: TO ALL FOOTBALL STAFF

FROM: [name deleted to protect sources)

I know we all thought it was cutting-edge, people. But we won't ever assume a recruit is gay ever again, and we will never take the "gay approach" during a recruiting visit ever again. In review, it was not worth the risk of being wrong.

That did NOT go well. Perhaps it was when we paired him with a shirtless gymnast guide during the tour. Or maybe it was when he displayed little interest in attending the Margaret Cho concert we'd purchased tickets for at the student center. Perhaps it really didn't sink in until we took him to Lumber, [CITY REDACTED]’s finest all-beef gay strip club, and was visibly uncomfortable and asked to leave after five minutes.

Given his complete removal our our school from his list of potential homes for the next four years, At this point, I’m willing to say this was an abject failure, and that our policy and strategies must change immediately in this department.

There are just some things we can’t assume. We will never, ever assume a recruit likes the brush of raw stubble against his neck in the night. We will also never again assume a client craves the smell of man like a dog craves the stench of rotting deer carcass, or that he likes nothing better than nestling his nose in the fragrant, hairy nook of a man’s sternum. We will also never assume a recruit wants his guest room here to be stocked with Elbow Grease lube, stacks of “Twinks Ahoy” magazine, or the finest in man-marketed upscale conditioners, soaps, moisturizers, and fluffy towels.

We cannot assume. Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me and the hustler we paid seventy-five dollars to accost our recruit in the library bathroom during his campus visit. He will be out of the hospital soon, by the way.

Just because a recruit likes Kanye West a bit too much, or has a fondness for the television show Rome, or is involved in drama in high school…these things don’t make him gay. In the future, we need to exhibit more sensitivity toward these issues, especially regarding poofters, batty boys, bluefeathers, bonesmugglers, cake boys, three dollar bills, nellies, smurfs, South Beach pipe-fitters, and other assorted homosexuals.

This, combined with last year’s failed “Asian pitch” for that promising Chinese-American recruit, means we may need a full review of our targeted recruiting program. On the upside, we have all learned a great deal about mah-johngg, and will be meeting at Coach [DELETED]’s house for our weekly game as usual. Also, if anyone wants some cigarettes, I still have seven cases of genuine Taiwanese Long Lifes in my garage. Smoking is bad, I know, but I know some of you do it, and with gas not getting any cheaper I encourage you all to economize when and wherever possible.

Thank you all for hard work and effort in this matter.

Sincerely,

Coach [REMOVED]