What is that? It’s J. Leman, who dies a little bit every day inside with the running, and the fighting, and the killing, and the things he does in the dark of night to keep you free. BHGP lost their mind long ago. We encourage them NOT to find it anytime soon.
Phil: Emerging from the DataBunker.Speaks, writes, emits information at a startling rate: whatever you call what Phil Steele does, it’s ramping up for the release of Steele 2008. (Per his website: June. You can usually find a few copies ahead of schedule on stands, and then call friends and bark at them incoherently with excitement. They’ll get used to this after three years or so of these calls.)
He has comparative strength of schedules tables up based on last year’s winning percentages, and they’re further proof that the less you pay attention to winning percentages in terms of where you put teams in your preseason, the better.
1. Georgia
2. Florida
3. Arkansas
4. UCLA
4. Alabama
6. Auburn
7. Ohio State
8. Kentucky
9. Colorado
9. Baylor
9. Washington
9. Ohio Oregon State.
Que pobrelito, Baylor: you’re the econ major who, through some trick of malicious scheduling, has stumbled into an advanced price theory class in your first semester. Georgia is set up so well for this year: coming in they have the awe-inspiring schedule, meaning their first real foray out of the south, interstate rivalry with a feisty Tech team, and SEC schedule have them stocked high from the onset. Coming out of the schedule, they can still have one loss (a la Florida in 2006) and may still have a legitimate nod over an undefeated team with one loss leaving the season because of THE SCHEDULE, which will be typed in all caps due to its importance in shaking out where Georgia is when the season finishes.
(Barring Knowshon being kidnapped by FARC rebels, this won’t happen. We haven’t saved up quite enough money to make this happen yet, but we’ll keep you posted.)
BTW, Iowa claims the 95th weakest schedule by winning percentage going into 2008. Ferentz Silences Doubters With Football Renaissance. Thought we’d just type that for the six to ten sportswriters who will have to write that same inaccurate wretched story come November or December of this year. Just cut and paste it, guys!
This week’s update comes to you courtesy of Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and continues to provide fine updates throughout the long, half-completed marathon of the off-season.
Clarifications, equivocations, and carefully placed profanities follow.
Virginia keeps creeping up in the standings, a quiet lurker just one or two spectacular group incidents away from challenging Missouri for the lead. With a recent paucity of misdemeanors and drunken minor felonies in Knoxville, the Vols’ score seems to have plateaued for the moment. Virginia only has Mike Brown working the board for them, but he’s doing yeoman’s work by his lonesome, tacking on a DWI and failure to take a breath test onto Virginia’s tally for two more points. Mike’s put himself in great position to take the lead for the Ellis T. Jones III Award for individual achievement.
Stolen condoms get Torri Williams and the Purdue Boilermakers on the little board this week thanks to Williams’ ingenious crime: theft of something universities literally throw at students left and right for free, condoms. Perhaps Williams needed Magnums and not the trusty Lifestyles ubiquitous in public health offices, but we doubt it: HIV education sessions are famous for instructors putting their arms in condoms, and whole HIV campaigns in Thailand revolved around Mechai Viravadya (a.k.a. “Mr. Condom”) sticking them on his head like beanie and blowing them up like balloons. (”Not around the face kids! NOT THE FACE!”)
Those things stress-test safely even for cervix-battering Santonio Holmes types with ginormous Boilermakers of their own. The one thing they cannot prevent from transmitting over to Purdue are Fulmer Cup points, as in a point for shoplifting and one extra stupid bonus point for shoplifting something easily obtained free anywhere else.
BTW: What the hell is the Fulmer Cup tally for a charge of cannibalism?
Something about this particular angle on the UCLA Bruin from Brian Dohn’s Bruins blog scares us. What is that expression? Anxiety? Weltschmerz? Shock at just witnessing a car crash? Did someone just throw a surprise party for him, and even bring the special red velvet cake topped with possum innards he likes so much? WHAT IS IT? TELL US YOU MUTE CIPHER, YOU!!!
Sometimes, we get our hands on classified documents. They reveal much of the inner workings of college football, and this is no exception. Please see the attached document below on one program’s struggle with attempting to do “gay” recruiting.
Take the disco ball out of the locker room, please.MEMO: TO ALL FOOTBALL STAFF
FROM: [name deleted to protect sources)
I know we all thought it was cutting-edge, people. But we won’t ever assume a recruit is gay ever again, and we will never take the “gay approach” during a recruiting visit ever again. In review, it was not worth the risk of being wrong.
That did NOT go well. (more…)
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Joe Paterno is feeling much, much better after last week’s stay in the hospital for dehydration. Paterno also uses one of the essential tools of any humor Leatherman: gallows humor. Before the dinner, Paterno cracked jokes with reporters about how his age makes people worry every time he feels the slightest bit ill. “Yesterday I didn’t think this event was getting enough press. I decided to go to the hospital and see if I could spruce it up a bit,” Paterno said. “I feel good.” He even walked out of the hospital under his own power. Be healed, JoePa!
Charming. It’s got to feel good to be Jimbo Fisher: obviously the heir apparent at Florida State, offensive coordinator of an attack still recovering from years of mismanagement, and slogging through a time in the program when everything isn’t exactly up to his specs, he’s also got to put up with this: What is the dynamic like between you and Jimbo? I have to run him out of my chair every now and then. Take that, boah! He done showed you for bein’ younger! Every day he hustlin’, except for those days when he’s arrested for hustlin’. Virginia Tech recruit Peter Rose gets arrested for selling marijuana, including the nasty charge of selling weed within 1000 feet of a school. Rose is not on the team, and no Fulmer Cup points will be assessed for his arrest. He will, however, be punished for his selling of a drug that makes people sit on the couch and support the economy by ordering more pizzas and PPV movies. We’ll sleep safer knowing he’s off the street. Kai Maiava is transferring to UCLA, where he will not be moved to fullback after making Freshman All-American on the offensive line. (Dan Hawkins, what the hell, brocephus?) And because we were in D.C. this weekend…we wore this exact outfit Chuck E. Brown is wearing in this video for “Bustin’ Loose.” It looked hott. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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