Professor.

We were discussing the oft-explosive ends of Midwestern football coaches last night on EDSBS Life, and realized that if you’re going to go out in the heartland, you go big, dammit: either Gary Moeller it and disintegrate publicly, Woody Hayes it and punch an opposing linebacker on the field of play, or strap a bomb to yourself and blow up hundreds of innocents at a local mall like Ron Turner did.*

The men of the Big Ten kill themselves for your fine football, even going so far as to live in the Midwest to coach football for decades at a time. And while there’s more to Wisconsin than just their fine escorts, that remains quite a sacrifice.

So what the hell will it take for Woody Hayes–wait, that’s PROFESSOR Woody Hayes to you–for Professor Woody Hayes to get his statue in Columbus? Will he have to rise from hell itself and start punching fools to get someone to put him in bronze and not do it on the cheap and leave him looking like a cut-rate bronze Drew Carey? (And you know Woody’s in hell: it’s warm and they appreciate a nice savage drive block down there, unlike those robed pansies in that place up north.)

It has been more than a year since the original ballot to build a Woody Hayes statue, estimated at more than $30,000, was initiated.

The ballot was introduced by Undergraduate Student Government Sen. Patrick Sprinkle and voted on during last year’s USG election.

Although the initiative was passed by students, no work has been done to bring the statue to campus.

In an e-mail statement, Sprinkle said the completion of the Woody Hayes statue seems unlikely.

“It would be unwise to spend a great deal of funding solely from USG on the statue,” Sprinkle said.

Bull. And shit. Student Government money pays for the Latin Club to go to conventions and read Catullus to other drunken Latin majors before awkward convention sex, among other useless things. What is should pay for is sweet bronze hammer of the gods placed in Hornrim Hayes right hand and a clipboard in the other. It should be forty feet tall, bulletproof, and with glowing red LED eyes at minimum–just like the real Professor Hayes, dammit.

For real commitment, rock-em sock-em robot action and a kerosene-powered flamethrower mounted in his mouth would be nice as well. Come on, Ohio State. The Subcommandante demands it.


Like that, but in a short-sleeved white oxford and a black tie with hornrims.

P.S. One more reason to give Hayes the despot-sized statue he deserves. When asked to comment on the temper that ultimately ended his career:

After the incident, Hayes reflected on his career by saying, “Nobody despises to lose more than I do. That’s got me into trouble over the years, but it also made a man of mediocre ability into a pretty good coach.”

To rephrase: “Rage made me, assholes. Piss off.”

*He may also be coaching for the Bears. Our crack editorial staff is researching this.