THE OFFSEASON TOP 25

Dodging fires in Florida. Circumcising pandas affected by the earthquakes in China. Tornado surfing.

Anyone else disturbed by the picture of the fireworks superstore co-located with the highly flamable gas station?

Building a better faux-Tebow MySpace page.

Follow up:

Coach Muschamp would like to see both the fireworks store and the gas station go “boom motherf***er!”

ah yes, the glory of the drive in. this calls for a few hours of poring through old joe bob briggs reviews.

Angela Lansbury’s gonna getcha.

Re: toddlers who can drink – given their total lack of remorse about thieving other people’s drinks, and their inability to even bring a sixer of Iron City to make up for what they “liberate,” it’s really best not to drink with toddlers.

(Between having been cut off for the first time aged 4, and having my older daughter start stealing my beer aged 18 months, I feel I have some experience in this area.)

I was going to make the required “I own a hammock” comment but got confused about the who-was-who key and thought better of it. Besides – either way, Mrs. Rollin’ wouldn’t approve.

Irish: not at all, in fact, I think their beer advertising should be bigger. It’s a one-stop shop for unlimited bad ideas!

“…feeling indecisive without expalantion.” Just had lunch with three Group 5’ers who each had three alterations to their lunch order…I had the Number 1…is it just me?

Entering the annual “hurricane” pool – as in which hurricane do you think will strike South Florida…which leads to the next really important activity of stocking up on your hurricane supplies* in anticipation of the hurricane season which is RIGHT around the corner.

*[a/k/a alcohol]

But in the Latin alphabet, “Jehovah” begins with an “I”.

Secure Couch Storage in West By God Virginia.

Anyone else disturbed by the picture of the fireworks superstore co-located with the highly flamable gas station?

I honest to god didn’t even notice, because it’s so commonplace, which I suppose is saying something.

I’ll have the #4 with a side-order of #18. Thanks.

Holly,

If Mario Kart is the Chanel of console gaming – what is Goldeneye?

A long forgotten lust from days of yore?

Watching mindless television which make me feel better about my life and/or smarter.

1. Cheaters
2. Around the Horn/PTI/Cold Pizza
3. Cops
4. Wife Swap
5. Attack of the show
6. Flavor of Love
7. Big Brother
8. Deal or No Deal
9. American Gladiators
10. Ow! My Balls*

*re-watching Idiocracy at any point counts.

I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling horribly torn between Last Crusade and Mario Kart all weekend. And does anyone else think they should’ve given that knight more lines?

“Are you sure that’s the grail you want? What about that one over there with the silver plating and heiroglyphics? Pick the wrong grail and your face will hollow out and you’ll turn to dust and die but don’t freak out or whatever”

If Mario Kart is the Chanel of console gaming – what is Goldeneye?

Goldeneye would probably be my #26. I can’t ever get the hang of those effing remote mines.

11-
Please don’t remind me of hurricane season.
12-
Very well played.

Gatoram @ #18…yeah, really…the “He chose poorly.” was seriously a “No Shitter”.

I watched that Sunday with my son just prior to performing Mother’s Day obligations…

Is that Murder She Wrote video filmed in Jamaica, or
in post Hurrican Andrew Dade County?
That powerlifting video, looks like the girl just passed out and got DDT’d by about 225lbs, which is pretty good for a chick anyway…….oh, it wasnt a girl? oops…pow….suprise!

Cannot speak to hot Korean food at # 15, although I hear it can be intense… But in regards to hot food and soft places, I should offer a PSA to anyone who likes HOT, f’n HOT wings. If you happen to a BW3, the Blazin’ wings are not to be eaten, just too damn hot. But if you do not heed that warning, please, please wash your hands before you take a piss. Do not be that guy…. That guy in the stall moaning, not because he is pinching off a basketball size loaf, no moaning because dipping his hand into the bowl for some “water” is having little effect in reducing the invisible fire raging, ON his loins.

Unless of course you are a masochist. In which case carry on, you weak pig!

I agree. Without realizing it, I also didn;t see anyting wrong at first with the gas station located at the mega-fireworks store. That’s because here in SC, it’s easier to buy guns and fireworks than it is to buy socks before 1pm on Sundays.

#1

You apparently have never been to bama. That picture looks like every rural intersection in the entire state. I also guarantee that there is a guy somewhere on the property selling boiled peanuts out of his truck bed.

#17

G4 has been stepping it up lately. Just when I had seen Ninja Warrior enough to start understanding Japanese, they come out with Unbeatable Bansuke, which I happen to like even better.

Can’t wait ’til the Temple of Champions is unsealed again.

Yeah ive been waiting patiently for Mercenaries 2 also

Holly, I figure you could spend some offseason time finding a suitable frame for this.

Regarding #10 on the list, I used to work there. Not just a fireworks place, but specifically, that one in the photo. And I’m still firm in the belief that’s the best place a teenager can have a part time job. Its amazing I still have my fingers. Also, we sold the most unbelievably crass/racist junk inside.

Yes, Allahver, let us all spend the offseason mocking an incredibly painful and debilitating injury to a college kid. Dick.

ahhhhsum.

When it comes to fireworks, BOOMLAND rules.

http://www.boomland.com/

I’m starting to think Merc 2 is never really coming out, O. And you still owe me several severe firebombings from last off-season.

Also, Fireworks City with Jerry “The King” Lawler FTW.

White trash wonderland only makes #8? Tough crowd. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a teenage kid trying to keep control of 15 or so drunk adults on a go kart track. It’s like Death Race, Mad Max, and Cannonball Run all rolled up together. Unless the kid running the karts is a bit feral and has a metal boomerang handy, he doesn’t stand a chance. Fortunately any good white trash wonderland has a few feral boomerang-wielding kids hanging around.

@Geaux Irish,

I once watched a drunk fraternity brother of mine walk into the fireworks compound at South of the Border pulling on a lit cigarette.
The look on the cashier’s face was priceless.
Then security ushered him out unpolitely.

Best time for fireworks shopping: July 5th. It is positively unholy what they will let you walk out with for pennies. This is how we are able to throw such legendary Bastille Day parties.

Yes, Allahver:
I could have gone my entire life with out looking at that. However, I am currently emailing to to everyone I know.

As for go-kart tracks, what this place lacks in bungee-jumping, it makes up for in trampoline basketball (plus, the Jim Beam distillery is right down the road)
http://www.gokartkountry.com/

What, no paint ball action. Pussies!

Is Jimmy Carterland still operating between Florence and Myrtle Beach?

Back to Goldeneye:

If we were comparing NCAA football coaches to Goldeneye characters – me thinks that [NAME REDACTED] would be Jaws, Pete Carroll would be Ouromov, Tressel would be Boris Grishenko, Holly Rowe would be Xenia Onatopp, Kirk Ferentz would be Treveylian and Ty Willingham would be OddJob

Awesome.

skinny @ #23…your described ‘do not be that guy’ is nothing compared to the hell unleashed when your hot-wing sauce covered hands end up in the nether regions of your favorite female-du jour…the screaming was the equivalent of giving birth, with the added spice of hatred, sworn retribution and excessive verbal and physical abuse. I survived with just a black eye…funny, her roomates went out with me later, but no one ever wanted wings.

so…i kind of refuse to buy a PS3 or XBox 360…so i just bought GTA Vice City.

is it as good as the kids say? I played the GTA liberty city and loved it, but always was more ncaa football and tiger woods inclined.

What pissed me off about GTA Vice City (and may be a bug in the others as well) is that when I whack the hookers I use after I’m done with them, I never get as much money out of them as I just paid them.

/Ralphie Cifaretto

Power lifting video…

The guy in the yellow and black jacket (what I can only imagine is an 80’ vintage satin wind breaker) is great. His inner monologue must go something like this (all spoken by ATHF’s Carl)…

Yep, just gonna lean up against this wall looking hot, and cooooooooool. Here is the pose the ladies will dig… no, this one is better, stay casual, cool… remember that Van Halen concert… that was HOT!!! This pose is much better, sure to get me some action TONIGHT! Did I get the part, in the middle of my mullet head just right?!? Damn, I wish I had a mirror… this weak ass chick is struggling with this weight, good thing she looks kinda like a dude, no interest from this chick magnet, I mean who wants to… whoa, holy shit! She is gonna lose it, get over there and help her out! Wait a minute, what the hell am I gonna do if I get there in time, catch that weight? Slow down dude, slow down, recover not rescue. How hot do I look swooping in to help out, the chicks will dig this!!

nothing like cold beer and 57 different brands of rockets and M80’s to choose from. Fucking love the South brother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fYK0A8mRJ4

1. Jimmy Carter (not the former President) didn’t believe in giving Uncle Sugar his fair share (or any share for that matter). Closed down in early 1990s.

@39

Pussies? Before paintball was invented, we had an annual pop-bottle rocket war every year near ********* GA.

Enough pop-bottle rockets to fill up the back of a truck, 3 kegs and an isolated pecan orchard. Standard equipment for participants was a 4" piece of pvc pipe capped off at the end, carpenters nail apron and safety glasses. Firing of ammo consists of either a dozen “Black Cats” lit separately (spraying) or the whole bundle (mortar) .

You can not imagine the adrenaline “holding the line” with snipers in the trees, underbrush on fire and a barrage of roman candles coming right at you.

What’s funny is the guy from from Human Resources that turns into a Kamikaze Sargent York and the “alpha male manager” seeking cover. Happened every time.

Paintball….pftttt.

DevilGrad @ 15 – Gotta love the 4-18 Exacta. +100 to you, sir.

Someone should recruit Bill dance purely on his moccasin-punting skills. Who knew a snake could go so far?

Orson there is a kettlebell gym just over on our side of town. Yes, I am a member and yes they rock ass.

http://www.gymcondition.com/index.htm