CURIOUS INDEX, 5/12/08

by Orson on May 12, 2008 8:30 AM EDT

Joe Paterno snapped at a reporter who peppered him with questions about the Nittany Lions' ever-growing list of off-the-field adventures. It was, unsurprisingly, described as "screechy."

"I'm sick and tired of talking about this, that and the other thing, to be very frank with you," Paterno said. "We got a tough schedule, a good football team, and we're going to have a lot of fun and you guys all should be excited!"

He then slammed his fist down on the table. "Right?!" Paterno squealed.

Paterno did not offer them malteds as an apology, nor did he offer to take them to get horehound sticks from the local Woolworth's in his quadra-jalopy.

We will use this photo at every turn possible because we love it.

It's "charged" with wit. See there, that which I there did? The Ballad of Jamar Hornsby. Le sigh. Our favorite part about the sordid story: Georgia fans chiming in about "Gaytors" in the comments section, because calling someone gay is funny! ARP ARP JORTS ARP! The unease of agreeing with Georgia fans aside, we hope Jamar Hornsby has a long, productive life not stealing dead people's credit cards and beating up total strangers unprovoked. This is as likely as eating an untouched plate of linguini in a shitstorm, but we can hope, no?

Alabama: maybe; LSU: no. Those are your answers for "whether or not you may have your ashes scattered at (stadium X)." The reason cited for not allowing it at Texas Stadium, for one:

And besides, these things have a way of turning into elaborate ceremonies and we don't want a stream of hearses pulling up to the stadium."

Or rather, you wouldn't want it to look like Florida State football 2007--that's another way of putting "we'd rather not have an awkward funereal display depressing to all who witness it, most hated foes included."

Kentucky's getting Field Turf, a step closer to actual grass. Kentucky not using their gorgeous native fescue for their football field remains one of the great mysteries of college football; not using the local stuff to play the Game of the Gods on is like West Virginians getting their pregame rageahol from the store instead of their cousin Lyndon, who makes fiery booze from potatoes, fertilizer, coal shale, and love.

UCF's having a fun off-season. UCF has a player shot during a visit home to Baton Rouge. Fortunately, an exploding mobile meth lab was not involved--or unfortunately, depending on how Michael Bay-sian you want your reality to be, now.

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’ Our favorite part about the sordid story: Georgia fans chiming in about Gaytors ’

that’s almost as fun as nebrska faithful dealing smaktard mizzou and colorado fans calling big red the ’FUSKERS!!! ZOMG LOL"

forget the haters, i say!

by rudy (not the guy from notre dame) on May 12, 2008 8:46 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t want to live in a world without the quadra-jalopy.

by George on May 12, 2008 8:47 AM EDT reply actions

Not strictly about football, but a Southern Cal booster just offered me 25 Large not to post this comment.

by Ted Ginn did Everythin' on May 12, 2008 8:50 AM EDT reply actions

On USA Today, a GAYTURD poster said that 3 other GAYTURDS will be charged soon in connection with Jamar.

I’ll take a kid getting a scooter violation over a thug stealing a dead girl’s credit card ANY DAY.

by Dawg Pound on May 12, 2008 9:07 AM EDT reply actions

Left out of the story, Florida fans referring to Georgia as “UGAy”; studies concluded post-adolescent bloggers refrain from using both terms.

“Jorts” however, remain a fashion statement in G’ville.

by Sundawg on May 12, 2008 9:09 AM EDT reply actions

“fiery booze”

FYI, you misspelted “hillpeople milk”.

by ChemE93 on May 12, 2008 9:32 AM EDT reply actions

I was curious how 3K could be charged on a gas card. I would guess that tanks for friends were filled for cash. Theft by conversion? Still a shame.

by hunglikehussain on May 12, 2008 9:35 AM EDT reply actions

When I was in Athens an extremely popular bar was named the GA Bar, and all the locals referred to it as the Gay Bar…must assume that UGA-ers know all about those things…

by sb on May 12, 2008 9:35 AM EDT reply actions

Hey, we’re on record as saying there’s no finer place to get a strong drink in the South than a gay bar. Plus, what’s the harm? it’s not like after 20 years of heterosexual activity, you’re gonna walk in and start taking pipe like you’re the 2007 Nebraska defense, right? We’re married. It’s not going anywhere it shouldn’t, but most especially in a bar full of dudes who smell like they’ve been dipped in varnish. Win-win, sez we.

Unless you’re worried about that kind of thing happening, in which case you’re going to end up at a gay bar anyway eventually.

by Orson Swindle on May 12, 2008 9:40 AM EDT reply actions

#6: +100 cocktails, sir. People at work are staring.

#7: Who knew the film Reality Bites was so popular with today’s youth?

by Big Jon on May 12, 2008 9:41 AM EDT reply actions

O. @ #9…got it. Just a little toasty and pissed off after the Mom’s day weekend…not homophobic, just UGA-critical, and felt like throwing a few steaming turds in that direction…yeah, it was puerile.

That said, I have found your cited video quote to be accurate and have benefitted from such source of fine strong drink. “Dudes dipped in varnish…”, more like a vat of Polo…

by sb on May 12, 2008 9:57 AM EDT reply actions

T.Herman Zweibel wants to who those young whippersnappers are in those quadra-jalopies? He does recognize the two babes in the woods on the rail as his illegitimate bastard children.

BTW, w/ food & adult beverages, it’s easy to run a $3K tab in a few months on a Esso card, especially if it’s a Speedpass.

by yoyofutbawl on May 12, 2008 10:25 AM EDT reply actions

1. I’m hardcore UGA.

2. I’m apologizing en masse for that whole Gaytor / Gayturd thing. It’s beyond juvenile and sad.

by Bobby Decatur on May 12, 2008 10:35 AM EDT reply actions

- After clicking the link, this is the third video that’s listed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTyiXpgnFFM&feature=related

I never knew you were such a fan of Canadian Mall Pop artists from the 90s (for, as we all know, the 80s didn’t hit Canada ’til ’93).

by Ground0EastLansing on May 12, 2008 10:39 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t have time for this bullshit to grow. It’s the indoor practice field getting field turf. The game field will continue to be real Kentucky bluegrass.

by Big & Rich Brooks on May 12, 2008 10:41 AM EDT reply actions

Swindle,

1) Yes, calling someone a “Gayturd” is gay. (Negative derivations of team names are almost always lame and juvenile.)

2) Your DL is a huge question mark (especially at DT), and after Major Wright and Joe Haden, the secondary is questionable (and thin)… at best. Do you slide Spikes et al. up to help them stop Moreno… or do you drop them back to help Pierre-Louis/Rickerson/Anderson keep Stafford from throwing for 3 TDs on them again?

Good luck with this…

by Texas_Dawg on May 12, 2008 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

You take your chances with Stafford, who has about a 50/50 shot of actually putting the ball in the right place on any given play. There’s no other choice.

Plus, the secondary’s not that thin going into this year, even with the loss of Jamar Hornsby. DT remains a huge (300 lb) question mark, and literally so: Omar Hunter is the starter. They’re just waiting on him to walk in and put on his uniform properly.

by Orson Swindle on May 12, 2008 10:48 AM EDT reply actions

If you live long enough, you will eventually find yourself in a gay bar even if it was unintentional.

I was in D.C. many moons ago and found a restaurant in the Dupont Circle area that served an excellent lunch. One evening, I decided to stop by for a nightcap. Good, chatty bartender, strong drink and the baseball game on tv. Bunch of guys in there, but I figure it’s some kind of Lawyer watering hole. I’m chillin’.

Then the lights go down, tv turned off and one of the waiters gets on stage and starts singing a Broadway show tune. Uh-Oh. Bartender asks me if I want an aperitif (WTF is that?) “on the house.” Oh shit. I decline. He sees the look on my face and starts laughing. I start laughing. Actually had another sour mash on the rocks( none of that poof shit for me!) and watched the rest of the set. Still laugh about it.

With apologies to ancient Chinese curse writers…“May you live in interesting times.”

by hunglikehussain on May 12, 2008 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

grumble grumble Omar was ours! grumble grumble

/kicks rock

by AllWhoYonder on May 12, 2008 11:10 AM EDT reply actions

Ted Ginn did Everythin’ @ 3 – that’s no way to show your gratitude, we’re coming to get that plasma t.v. back.

by DC Trojan on May 12, 2008 11:24 AM EDT reply actions

@19

With 11 verbals out of a possible 14 for the class of 2009, we may find ourselves in a similar situation next year. Couldn’t we have put Omar on the diving team or something? Cannonball!!!!

by hunglikehussain on May 12, 2008 11:25 AM EDT reply actions

@18
You have to watch yourself when traveling around what we DC suburbanites call “Fruit Loop Circle”

A similar thing happened to me in Amsterdam. So thats what those rainbow flags flying outside mean.

by leNDmeabuck on May 12, 2008 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

JoePa is just ticked he hasn’t received his Depends check, yet.

by Jester on May 12, 2008 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

@16

Even if Stafford is the same QB he was in the second-half of his sophomore year, that is still good enough to have won each of those games (including Florida, Auburn, GT) by double-digits. But if Stafford progresses from his sophomore to junior season as he progressed from his freshman to sophomore season, your task gets even tougher. We shall see.

As far as your defensive secondary goes, you may have some depth at CB… but it’s more a quantity over quality thing. And at safety? Major Wright is great, but after that…?

by Texas_Dawg on May 12, 2008 1:01 PM EDT reply actions

And speaking of that Florida DL… Matt Patchan just got shot.

http://blogs.tampabay.com/preps/2008/05/patchan-shot-do.html

D’oh.

by Texas_Dawg on May 12, 2008 1:10 PM EDT reply actions

There’s that Hiassen Florida working its magic again. Silly to have even worried, really.

by Bobby Decatur on May 12, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions

Anybody who references those goddamn freecreditreport.com commercials should be stripped, lashed to a wagon wheel and left to roast in the Arizona sun. I have a hard enough time getting that pasty, flabby fucker out of my head without lame jokes about Jamar Hornsby.

by Harris on May 12, 2008 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

If you live long enough, you will eventually find yourself in a gay bar even if it was unintentional.

If it happened to Wayne and Garth, it can happen to anybody. “The Tool Box” indeed.

by ChemE93 on May 12, 2008 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

27 – c’mon, when that old lady in the restaurant gives the one dude the evil eye, that shit is funny right there. Just sayin’.

by Brian O'Blivion on May 12, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

ChemE @ #28…yes, and with an escort of UGA Chi O’s I was the beneficiary of some excellent cocktails…I paid for the ladies drinks, but I drank free…a first.

by sb on May 12, 2008 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

WV shine made from “coal shale”? There ain’t no such animal, and anyways, we got lots of good ol’ Pittsburgh #8 to boil down for volatiles. Why go for an ersatz when you got the real thing?

by James Schrumpf on May 12, 2008 9:30 PM EDT reply actions