Joe Paterno snapped at a reporter who peppered him with questions about the Nittany Lions’ ever-growing list of off-the-field adventures. It was, unsurprisingly, described as “screechy.”

“I’m sick and tired of talking about this, that and the other thing, to be very frank with you,” Paterno said. “We got a tough schedule, a good football team, and we’re going to have a lot of fun and you guys all should be excited!”

He then slammed his fist down on the table. “Right?!” Paterno squealed.

Paterno did not offer them malteds as an apology, nor did he offer to take them to get horehound sticks from the local Woolworth’s in his quadra-jalopy.


We will use this photo at every turn possible because we love it.

It’s “charged” with wit. See there, that which I there did? The Ballad of Jamar Hornsby. Le sigh. Our favorite part about the sordid story: Georgia fans chiming in about “Gaytors” in the comments section, because calling someone gay is funny! ARP ARP JORTS ARP! The unease of agreeing with Georgia fans aside, we hope Jamar Hornsby has a long, productive life not stealing dead people’s credit cards and beating up total strangers unprovoked. This is as likely as eating an untouched plate of linguini in a shitstorm, but we can hope, no?

Alabama: maybe; LSU: no. Those are your answers for “whether or not you may have your ashes scattered at (stadium X).” The reason cited for not allowing it at Texas Stadium, for one:

And besides, these things have a way of turning into elaborate ceremonies and we don’t want a stream of hearses pulling up to the stadium.”

Or rather, you wouldn’t want it to look like Florida State football 2007–that’s another way of putting “we’d rather not have an awkward funereal display depressing to all who witness it, most hated foes included.”

Kentucky’s getting Field Turf, a step closer to actual grass. Kentucky not using their gorgeous native fescue for their football field remains one of the great mysteries of college football; not using the local stuff to play the Game of the Gods on is like West Virginians getting their pregame rageahol from the store instead of their cousin Lyndon, who makes fiery booze from potatoes, fertilizer, coal shale, and love.

UCF’s having a fun off-season. UCF has a player shot during a visit home to Baton Rouge. Fortunately, an exploding mobile meth lab was not involved–or unfortunately, depending on how Michael Bay-sian you want your reality to be, now.