If it’s Monday, it must be time for us to mention that Scoreboard-domo Brian is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and that it’s time for the Fulmer Cupdate for the week. Expansions, digressions, and other elaborate lies follow.

Florida makes a stout appearance with Jamar Hornsby’s credit card fraud charges, an eight pointer that’s enough to put them on the big board, albeit right down there at the bottom with only the mildly felonious teams. Urban Meyer, who kicked Hornsby off the team, is to be congratulated for nothing because what the crime lacked in actual severity it more than made up for in craven opportunism with despicable timing.

There’s something at root here to acknowledge: despite the vaunted decline in character and overall permissive tone in the Meyer era at Florida, there’s little to cite in his stay indicating he’s particularly lenient or harsh. For all the drill sergeant talk, he let Marcus Thomas smoke through a zillion failed drug tests before he got the boot. And for all the carping (ourselves included) about him being a lax disciplinarian, every kid who committed a major crime (Ronnie Wilson, Jamar Hornsby) was booted from the team…albeit after the requisite wait/see period that makes fans slightly queasyish.

To counter an additional angle of the argument, it doesn’t seem like there’s much differentiating his tenure from [NAME REDACTED]’s in terms of player discipline. The two biggest incidents in the prior regime involved an accusation of sexual assault (Clint Mitchell,) Taurean Charles’ double manfest of punching a smaller man off a porch at a party and then attempting to keggenate the guy’s head with a half-full keg, and then the frat fight [NAME REDACTED] broke up/got involved in towards the end of the Times of Trouble.

Toss in capers with Channing “Nope, Not my Car” Crowder and Steven Harris, and then go even further back to look at the long line of youthful, muscled-up stupidity at Florida re: football players and discipline during the Spurrier era, and there’s only one crucial difference between any of them: Spurrier was a bit quicker to boot someone immediately, whereas [NAME REDACTED] and Meyer seem willing to do anything to avoid giving shoe leather enemas unless absolutely necessary. All three excused, hemmed, hawed, and kept players on when it was convenient to do so.

It’s a warm place–like Tallahassee or Miami–filled with top-notch athletes from impoverished backgrounds. Give them booze and a diet-sized slice of fame cheesecake, and this will happen…especially when coaches enable them by being even slightly tolerant of it, something Meyer undoubtedly and demonstrably has been. He’s enabled it where other coaches haven’t, and–we tremble with irony as we type this–he could look to the hardline fear Randy Shannon seems to instill in the same kids a few hundred miles south in Coral Gables as an example of how to do it in circumstances extremely conducive to player misconduct.

Oh, and an Alabama player got cited for walking around drunk. If the police actually applied this law even-handedly and not just to young drunk black men across Alabama, the state would be deforested in a matter of days with the frenzied ticket-writing.

Finally: Brian O’Blivion gets his points, corrected dutifully in comment threads for something like two months, awarded to Washington State. Their total now stands corrected at 12 total. Missouri’s looking difficult to catch at this point, yet the others refuse to drop out of the competition: WHY ARE YOU HURTING THE RACE BY STAYING IN, WEST VIRGINIA?!?!?!?

As noted in the headline: we’re both glad he’s okay and not the guy pulling the trigger given the recent trajectory of Florida offseasons.

Former Armwood All-American lineman Matt Patchan, who now plays for the Florida Gators, was shot in the back Friday night at Sadie Park in Brandon, Armwood coach Sean Callahan confirmed Monday morning.

Callahan said he has since talked to Patchan and added that “he’s fine.” Florida coach Urban Meyer just confirmed in a statement that Patchan was shot and is doing okay.

If he has a massive season on the line, chalk it up to involuntary iron fortification. Mike Barwis does NOT endorse this method of vitamin delivery, btw.

Not trainer-approved method of working in vitamins.

The University of Washington is ditching “Bow Down To Washington,” and in some senses that’s a shame. This site more than most enjoys a good dose of titter-worthy anachronism, and the lyrics to “Bow Down” have a few howlers we have to read wearing a top hat and kicking an urchin into a gutter:

So, heaven help the foes of Washington,
They’re trembling at the feet of mighty Washington.
Our boys are there with bells,
Their fighting blood excells,
It’s harder to push them over the lines than pass the Dardanelles.
So Victory’s the cry of Washington
Our leather lungs together with a Rah! Rah! Rah!

The Dardanelles comparison remains accurate for modern-day Washington football–easy to pass through, and to readers on the East Coast, situated in an exotic and foreign land–but the uni’s asked for submissions for the lyrics to an entirely new, Turkey reference-free fight song. (The music will not be left to the proles and will instead be composed by Bill Conti, the guy who did the Rocky theme and–more importantly–the motherfucking Falcon Crest theme!)

CORRECTION: Yes, this refers to the alma mater, not the fight song. Our submission still stands, and is much more singable than most alma maters we know.

We decided to throw our hat in the ring, and even offered up our own electrifying music to accompany the lyrics. It’s not your standard fare, but it captures the spirit of what we learned about the Unversity of Washington in at least ten minutes of internet research and what we already half-know about Washington Football.

With the use of a drum machine and keytar, you can not only drive the crowd into an ironic frenzy, but also save money on the expensive and indulgent use of a marching band. We’re considerate and proactive in every facet of our existence, U-Dub. Choose our song and see:

We’ll take that check made out to the Chicago Area Shriner’s Hospital, please. And you’re welcome, Washington. You truly are six foot twenty and fuckin’ killing for fun.

(Animation by Irishoutsider, in case that wasn’t totally and completely obvious. Blame him when the toothy peanut haunts your nightmares.)

As several commenters have suggested, we are COMPLETELY ripping off Cox and Combe’s “Washington”, though we’re stealing large chunks of Miss Kittin and the Hacker’s “Frank Sinatra,” too.

The world is a rolling hot mess, and occasionally in all the festivity some people fall under its glittery wheels. There happens to be an abundance of mayhem at this moment, much of it beyond the control of the people involved–meaning even a grizzled misanthrope like yourself may reach down in your wallet and pluck a doubloon or two from your fortune and donate to charity.

Tornadoes in Oklahoma and Georgia and the cyclone in Burma have one upside at least: they give you a chance not only to show how devoted you are to improving this “karma” thing Carson Daly’s always talking about, but we’re turning the nasty energies of college football rivalry into a positive force in the process.

You can take away our Checkers and billboards for gun shops and porno…but you cannot take away our desire to shame our opponents with our generosity.

Donations to charities assisting with either the tornadoes or the Burmese cyclone–where aid is slowly and steadily getting through despite the best efforts of the “murder-first” regime there–and we’ll keep tally of the donations as reported. Do good, feel shiny noble throughout your day, and embarrass the stingy bastards at other schools in the process.

The particulars:

1) Make a donation online to the American Red Cross, CARE, or the International Rescue Committee.

2) Email the donation confirmation to kevin@fanblogs.com and state your team affiliation by 8pm EDT on Wednesday, May 14th.

3) Results will be displayed at Every Day Should Be Saturday and Fanblogs throughout the week, with the final results shown by Thursday, May 15th.

4) The winning school will have its colors displayed at EDSBS and logo/mascot shown on every page at Fanblogs.

Florida’s currently up fifty dollars on everyone right now courtesy of yours truly, so let the games begin. If residents current or former in Florida are keen on any issue, it’s that of randomly being blown to smithereens by forces you can’t possibly defend yourself from in the least. (See: pass defense, for example, in 2007.)

Go get ‘em, you slaughtering vikings of charity.