WEST VIRGINIA, I HAVE A DEAL YOU HAVE TO TAKE

by Orson on May 8, 2008 1:17 PM EDT

Let's not let something as base as money settle this, friends.

Dear West Virginia administrators and other flintlock-bearing Appalachian hoi-polloi,

I write this letter today in order to offer a resolution to the $4 million dollar lawsuit filed by your university against me. Most of the time I leave this to the lawyers, but an offer like the one I'm going to put out here right now requires a personal touch.

You and I both face huge legal bills due to this unfortunate misunderstanding regarding my departure from West Virginia, a place I love both as my home and as the place where we accomplished great things together as a football team.

With that, I propose an end to the acrimony not by nitpicking over money, but instead by talking about settling the dispute the old-fashioned way. Money's a shortcut for real value, and what I propose worked for centuries in its place.

I'm talking about the noble and ancient exchange otherwise known as barter.

You wouldn't believe how effective the practice can be! The other day, I paid my plumber not in cash, but instead with thirty signed Michigan sweatshirts. He walked away happy, and I didn't have a guest bathroom soiled with the remnants of the prior tenants corn-heavy diet all over the place. It's almost a metaphor for what we have here, really: shit everywhere, and you and I sitting here with the tools to make it right in our hands. How poetic!

I don't propose paying you in sweatshirts--though this could be a lovely bonus prize for you to trade up to something like a bass boat, mobile meth lab, Hannah Montana tickets, or something else of equivalent value. The important thing with barter: I'm not reigning in your possibilities. With $4 million, you'll only be able to get $4 million dollars worth of goods and services.

But with barter, the possibilities are endless. I traded a VHS copy of Beethoven for a pound of thumbtacks. And what do you know, but four weeks later I'm the proud owner of a new rototiller. The boundaries are limitless! I'm prepared to offer the following items in exchange for the inflexible $4 million dollars contested in the lawsuit.

One: An old ab-roller. I couldn't use the thing without face-planting right into the carpet every time. At no extra charge, I will throw in a bag of old cedar shavings. Their fragrance has a value you can't possibly measure in money.

Include another pic of someone giving the thumbs up. It'll help sell it! Take this out before the final draft! God, that's a lot of money!

Two: The collected works of Suze Orman. Really, with her help you'll be accruing wealth in no time! She's got lesbian money powers you can't possibly understand until you experience them.

Three: A Sega Dreamcast. At no extra cost to you, I will also throw in an old copy of Shenmue, perhaps the most revolutionary video game of its time. I'm not really a video game player, but I got this in a trade two weeks ago for a glue gun, three pounds of frozen beef, and a large but promising piece of particle board. I cut and paste that description from a Google search, but judging from its enthusiasm, you're probably already just three or four steps from turning that INTO YOUR VERY OWN HOUSEBOAT WITH WATER SLIDE!!!!

Please consider this offer carefully. Keep in mind, there's no limit to what you can do with barter, the past economy of the future. If you have any questions, you can reach me via ham radio.

Operator-interns are standing by.

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Comments

Only a fool would give up his Dreamcast. Do you realize they stopped making those!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Carlinthemarlin on May 8, 2008 1:29 PM EDT reply actions

I’ll trade an old Nintendo Powerglove for that dreamcast, straight up.

by Chips O'Toole on May 8, 2008 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

With that, I propose an end to the acrimony not by nitpicking over money, but instead by talking about settling the dispute the old-fashioned way.

I was really hoping this was speaking of some form of violence. Fisticuffs? Joust? Pistol duel? Blood and guts are soooo much better than the barter system.

by Aerobab on May 8, 2008 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

No deal – We want the erotic works of Ann Rice to be included.

by WVU Brass on May 8, 2008 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

Circle of Death would be the preferred method.

by Scalz1 on May 8, 2008 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Done, but I’ll miss The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" from my bedside table…

by Rich Rod on May 8, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

He’ll throw in the trademark rights to DickRod, Couch Burning for Dummies, and a copy of Leisure Suit Larry.

by Brian O'Blivion on May 8, 2008 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

Are you trying to tell me there’s not a SINGLE Thunderdome built somewhere in the entire state of WV?!

by NativeSon on May 8, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

Throw in a first edition copy of a high-lited and adequately dog-eared copy of “She Comes First” together with a few stained and ripped sheets and we’ve got a deal! Who needs readily negotiable tender when you can be the living force behind the single most awesome effect a man (or woman) can have on a woman…

by sb on May 8, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

4… my google search of Ann Rice came back very disappointing

by ThreenOut on May 8, 2008 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

- I read that as Ayn Rand at first and nearly puked.

by Ground0EastLansing on May 8, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

Too bad integrity is only an intangible thing. Dickrod could trade that away without ever feeling like he missed it. Oh wait, he already did.

by StageCoach on May 8, 2008 2:49 PM EDT reply actions

Rich Rod is not giving up the wizard hat so don’t even ask. The snake oil? Maybe.

by maskedavenger on May 8, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

My guess is his next play is to say to WV, “y’know….I’m sorry. Really sorry. Alot. So…..we’re cool, right?”

by NativeSon on May 8, 2008 3:44 PM EDT reply actions

WVU Fans: What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ lawyas, who’ll go to work on the BCS here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, media-types? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.

RichRod: I meant what now between me and you?

WVU Fans: Oh, that what now. I tell you what now between me and you. There is no me and you. Not no more.

by Out of Conference on May 8, 2008 3:53 PM EDT reply actions

Check out the big brain on OOC

by oc phil on May 8, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

Dickrod and a ballgag? That’ll get the couches fired up

by PSUrob on May 8, 2008 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Dont ya love it when you go to the bathroom and ya comeback and there are 6 points on the scoreboard?

by Mr. Pelican Pants on May 8, 2008 5:28 PM EDT reply actions

Whats this about Charlie Weis talkin shit about Michigan? This guy has an opinion:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPjoN2R1JMI

by Mr. Pelican Pants on May 8, 2008 5:33 PM EDT reply actions

And if he will take an Atari 2600 w/Super Bomberman
and an Intellivision Football game in trade, I am in….with the 2 disc thingy- crazy numeric controller

by Mr. Pelican Pants on May 8, 2008 5:42 PM EDT reply actions