WE DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE POWERS
We have a confession to make: inside our heart, there’s malice. And, hopefully, blood. And, if you look hard enough, a pang of regret because we made a bet this weekend that came back to haunt us. No, it did not involve gay sex, $137,329.93 in unmarked bills, and Marvin Harrison’s gun. No, we bet on a horse in the Kentucky Derby–and Kanu will be happy to corroborate this–and came damn close to picking the upset special.
Oh, look: here’s a picture of how that all turned out!
Yes, that was EDSBS’ horse.
We bet on Eight Belles to win, and our confidence in the horse and proxy bet of ten American dollars resulted in a horse getting aced on the track, a horrified throng of fans weeping openly, and NBC directors hanging themselves in the booth trying to balance the horror of a dying thousand pound animal on the track with the need to mention YUM! foods and you know, the really happy people who actually won the race.
In short: we have powers. We didn’t ask for them, but they’ve been given to us. Further evidence follows of our sadiM touch, the misfortune passing things we interact with casually, in list form.
Summer 1990: We go to our first concert: Stevie Ray Vaughn and Joe Cocker. In August of 1990, Vaughn dies in a helicopter crash. Shortly thereafter Cocker is found dead from an autoerotic asphyxiation.*
1999: We go to Nepal; shortly thereafter, the Prince goes nuts, kills the whole family, and the country is seized by a Maoist insurrection.
2008: We cover the SEC basketball championship. A tornado hits the Georgia Dome.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re not a scientist, but if that isn’t a trend we don’t know what is. Clearly, our very interest in something decrepifies it instantly. Therefore, we ask: how should we best focus our malicious energies this fall? A few suggestions we have pop into mind:
Wagering that Florida State will win the national title. And continuing to wish Bobby Bowden success in the glorious last victory through the ACC!
Betting on Bobby Petrino to finish almost the entire season as head coach at Arkansas. Really, he’s like a tree now, roots and all.
Taking a fifteen dollar prop bet on Ohio State to get to the national title game versus a five loss SEC team and lose.
How else should we use these unintentionally harmful powers of ours? Besides betting on the Florida defense to definitely give up over 330 yards of passing a game again? Let us know in the comments. Seriously: we’ll take donations NOT to bet on your team to do anything substantial. The effect is real: just ask South Carolina, who got crazyfaced with last year before watching them wallow in mediocrity in an impressive second-half slide.
*Or is still alive. Who’s got time to look?
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51
Kanu says:
SJ-
You are certainly entitled to that opinion; just make sure that you be consistent: if you ever own a dog or another animal and it dies, then just say “Fuck that dog. Seriously. Fuck it” as well.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
52
Studley says:
Wow, Orson….that’s much worse than the violent riots that took place in France in October 2005, four days after I left that country.
Then again, I was at the 2008 Allstate BCS National Championship Game. That could POSSIBLY explain RP.
And you were in New Orleans that week, and Bo Pelini ran past you in Jackson Square. Uh-oh, Nebraska fans.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:29 am
53
Studley says:
Just thought about this one….
I was at the USC-Washington Game last year. The following week, USC lost to Stanford.
This year, I’m heading to the Texas-Colorado Game, and may go to the LSU-Florida Game the following week.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:42 am
54
Charlestownecock says:
I have a cousin that won’t take me to any more bars in South Alabma. Apparently, every time she takes me out when I am down there visiting family, the bar we go to gets destroyed. Either by hurricane or fire. So, O, I feel you bro. (Or don’t tase me bro, which ever works for you!)
May 8th, 2008 at 7:45 am
55
sb says:
StageCoach @ #48…I mentioned to my brother-in-law as the horses were introduced that running Eight Belles at 4 bells is a mistake! My wife bet on her because she was the only filly running (and present at the party, for that matter (pun intended)).
Navy vet here, too.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:07 am
56
Stu Nahan says:
Orson, I believe Tennesee plays Auburn this year …
May 8th, 2008 at 10:01 am
57
SpookyJuice says:
Kanu
I think I’m just oversaturated with it. Your point is exactly mine actually. The thousands of horses that died every other day were just horses…..yet some peolple actually send money and flowers etc to this horse when there are people starving to death and kids with serious problems.
People confuse me
So……more to the point…..fuck the people that care more for a horse than things that mean more
May 8th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
58
The Ghost of Elliot Sober says:
“Concern for environmental values does not require a stripping away of the perspective afforded by civilization; to value the wild, one does not have to “become wild” oneself (whatever that may mean). Rather, it is the material comforts of civilization that make possible a serious concern for both aesthetic and environmental values. These are concerns that can become pressing in developed nations in part because the populations of those countries now enjoy a certain substantial level of prosperity. It would be the height of condescension to expect a nation experiencing hunger and chronic disease to be inordinately concerned with the autonomous value of ecosystems or with creating and preserving works of art. Such values are not frivolous, but they can become important to us only after certain fundamental human needs are satisfied.”
I apologize for contributing prose attributed to cock-nose philosophical academia, however if you substitute animals [or animal protection (or horse’s rights, more directly speaking)] for all synonyms or alternates of description for the environment, I think this may aptly sum things up. There is nothing wrong with expressions of sympathy for an animal while people suffer. As long as there is an implementation of aid to developing countries (and the organizations aiming to satisfy or burgeon the budgets of those trying to solve these development crises) to coincide with the understanding that people deserve more empathy than animals, this compassion can coexist. And to those who disagree that human suffering deserves more pause than animal suffering, I don’t want to be involved in the argument or any repercussion (fast track to the rape stand).
The quoted portion should be attributed to Elliot Sober, by the way. The supplemental interpretation should be credited to someone else if you disagree. I feel guilty for skirting other obligations as it is.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:31 am
59
The Ghost of Elliot Sober says:
And (even more controversial) go Bucks!
May 9th, 2008 at 2:36 am