EDSBS Live will be postponed until Thursday because Peter’s being given a little chi-chi by law school. in the meantime, you will have to settle for Kige Ramsey’s best coaches of all time. Try not to get your mind blown.
Bowden over the Bear? Fatwa, Tide fans! A fatwa must be proclaimed!
The NCAA released the APR today, the Academic Progress Report, the NCAA’s opportunity to seize the spotlight and do what it does best: issue press releases.
The NCAA’s Academic Performance Program (APP) is creating positive behavioral change among Division I institutions, according to new four-year data released May 6.
The multi-year Academic Progress Rate (APR) data – with four years of data collection available for the first time – show upward trends in several categories, especially from 2005-06 to 2006-07.
GET DOWN, PARTY PEOPLE! GET DOWN!
We’re still digging through the data for this year, made even more fun by the NCAA’s propensity for releasing a press release on one page, a commentary on another, a spreadsheet here, a comprehensive list hosted on a Russian Military server and only accessible via several hours of white-knuckle hackery. Fortunately, the Indy Star has them all compiled nicely for you so you can revel in the uproarious ironies of a system where the University of Florida’s football team is on par with the United States Military Academy’s team in academic performance, and where Eastern Kentucky pwnz them both.
In the meantime, the only penalties of any relevance to college football go to Kansas and Washington State, who will suffer scholarship losses due to underwhelming APR scores. NCAA, beware: Mark Mangino will have his real estate agent call you to voice his displeasure with your metrics!
Former Georgia Tech qb Joe Hamilton just joined the Yellow Jacket coaching staff to assist young players in adjusting to life. And as all great leaders do, Lil’ Joe leads by his own example.
A former Georgia Tech quarterback, just hired to help football players adjust to campus life, was arrested for driving under the influence, possession of marijuana, open container and hit and run on Tuesday, according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Ever elusive, Hamilton dodged the first hit before campus police pulled him over and got him to admit the hit and run, along with emptying the car and finding the weed and open container combination. The things we love most about this:
One: That he was hired to help kids adjust to college life. Um, TOP SCORE!, Joe.
Two: When people take weed and an open container with them. There’s a very American mentality to it: if I can sit in my living room and utilize a luxury, it should therefore be able to come in the car with me, be it television, booze, weed, my XBox, television…all of it can go mobile, baby. We encourage the trend: the deep-fryer between the seats, the Wii in the dashboard, and especially the mobile meth lab.
Um, wait. Perhaps that’s not such a good idea after all. Baton Rouge, stand up! We mean, duck.
Joe Hamilton: Mobile and explosive, like a meth lab.
This week’s big board only appears unchanged: Washington State makes a spectacular score in some post-incident charge juggling, a correction noted in the regular notes, corrections, and etcetera below. The board is provided, as always, by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Washington State’s Andy Roof may have put Wazzou on the board for good thanks to his ability not just to punch people at parties, but also to break their bones while doing it. The Cougars already sat at a good, solid five points thanks to some contact lens sabotage and beery legerdemain.
Andy Roof’s original head-butting offense was given one point for piddly charges, but that may have changed in a drastic manner:
But the police investigation is pointing to alleged crimes more serious than misdemeanor fourth-degree assault. An assault that results in broken bones usually merits a felony second-degree charge, Tennant said.
“Our investigation is criminal in the fact, ‘Did Andy Roof hit this person and how much damage did he cause this person?’ ” Tennant said.
Broken bones in a fight mean likely and various felony charges for Roof. Conservatively, let’s go ahead and estimate two felony charges of assault at the minimum put Roof’s incident at a six-pointer, meaning WSU climbs to a count of eleven–and that’s if we don’t “reward” Roof with a bonus point for not only punching someone completely unprovoked, but also for smashing someone’s face into a stop sign.
Other than that: relative quiet. Two former Mississippi State players will be charged in a shooting incident, meaning we may have to award some retroactive points for the crime. (Croom did boot them, but they were players at the time, and therefore the charges and awarded points stand. Exeunt the EDSBS legal staff…) This quote mystifies us:
“I did make a terrible decision,” said Wesley. “I didn’t use the brain God gave me. I used what the devil gave me.”
A golden fiddle? A stunning goatee? The gift of knowledge? Or like the only great scene in Bedazzled, a life as a Colombian drug dealer complete with assassins in pursuit and a hot mistress? For the record, we never saw what was bad about that whole setup.
(Thanks as always to the SAS Wiki Fulmer Cup board for keeping us straight on scoring. We need all the help we can get.)
Boo, hiss, bark: Texas A&M has chosen to ignore our sage advice–that the next Aggie mascot be a ferocious, misbegotten beast of a dog closer to a hyena than a smooth collie–and is going with “a collie-like dog.”
“She is very likely to be a collie-like dog. Something that looks similar to a collie,” Bresciani said.
According to the e-mail, there is a possibility that the next mascot will be a golden retriever. But the most unusual thing about the selection is that it is likely the next mascot will have been trained as a service dog.
The dog will likely have some service dog training because of the stress placed on the mascot, which likely has a busier schedule than you. Dogs can’t handle stress very well, as they tend to start biting things at random, making them very similar to Jim Delany or a liquored-up Ron Franklin.
We remain deeply saddened at the choice, if only because we had such dreams of the possibilities for the mascot:
And introducing Texas A&M’s new mascot…MAUAJI, DESTROYER OF FOES. Oh, and his handler, Steve.
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Hey, we didn’t piss the shit out of him. Get your wonk on with our interview with Buzz Bissinger at the Sporting Blog. All pleasant, mind you: civil, polite, and discursive in that good way, which considering Buzz’s temper and our own tendency to be an irredeemable smartass is impressive, indeed. Ana Marie, just say you’re proud, lady, and we’ll stop sending all those letters. (We’re running out of our own blood to write them in, but how else will you know how much we care!?!?!?!)
LSU will make many top ten lists this offseason despite the loss of Ryan Perrilloux. Most of the publications have gone to press already, and fixing this would cost muh-nay like WHOA to fix. As fun as it is to put your chips on talent and let it ride, the list of losses for LSU is large, and that’s from a two-loss team, mind you: Glenn Dorsey, Perrilloux, Flynn, and the one that can be forgotten in all the hoopla over the Sixty Million Dollar man, their defensive coordinator Bo Pelini. It’s a transition year in Baton Rouge, even with the usual three-string deep mutant talent. Florida and Florida State both lose linebackers to “life:” Jerimy Finch for the Gators and Marcus Ball for FSU were both released from their scholarships on Monday and are free to transfer to other schools. Ball was one of the eight thousand Florida State players suspended from the Music City Bowl, so academic improprieties or sprained cerebrum may be a possibility. Finch also suffers from sprained cerebrum-type difficulties, but also has two kids back in his home state of Indiana, a likely school for his eventual landing. Fun note of happiness! FSU returns only one starting linebacker now. CAN YOU SAY PLAY-ACTION? SMQ sees Missouri and likes the fact that, for once, they have a defense and someone else besides a one-man extravaganza at quarterback. Chase Daniel, the 37 year old pizza deliveryman who made up the name in order to fulfill his dream of returning to college, ripping on the football field, and banging hot chicks, could not agree more. Pec’d! A pec injury to Nate Longshore means Kevin Riley may have nabbed the starting job at Cal, a move surprising exactly no one who watched Riley lead the Bears back against Air Force. We’re in Florida this week taking a working vacation, which rules because you still write and work and stuff, but you do it from hotels where you can throw your towels on the floor and order ten dollar hamburgers from room service. You can also get the St. Pete Times, America’s finest damn mid-sized newspaper, where actual reportage sits side by side with lists of the top ten worst beers ever. 1. Busch NA Non-alcoholic beers are bad by nature. Remove alcohol, remove flavor. But Busch NA seems to have gotten around the alcohol part of the beer by steeping corn husks in seltzer water to make a tea that Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t drink. They all wither at the awesome, wrath-of-god flavor profile of Taiwan Beer, a heady blend of green peas, formadehyde, and a hint of phenol in there. Throw in a lingering flatness and lack of froth or bubble, and it crosses the line from tear-inducing horror to grandeur. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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