Jeepneys only look this cool if Tim Tebow has touched them. And Tim Tebow has touched them all.

May 5th, 2017

Dear Mr. Tebow–

I write you today to say thank you so much for circumsizing me. You have had many successes in life but I would like to you know no success you have had is as glorious as that which is mine from you. If you had never to come to my country of the Philippines and the cut the burden of my prepuce from me I know today. Nor would we have ever seen your powerful visage floating three feet above the ground at all times, or watched as you fed the village with Doritos you could pull from your ears seemingly at will.

My penis, following the touch of your scalpel and its decisive cutting of the heinous burden of it from my unclean body, grew to its full potential: a mighty 17 inches of brown power for all the Filipino people to see–in only a day! I could not even attempt to hide it, especially with the perpetual aura of glowing purple light surrounding it, and the constant humming it made from radio signals it picked up from as far away as Brazil. Today, our village dances to the samba! And you are to thank for its rhythms coming to my village.

The blessed size of my unleashed anointed member allowed other progresses for the people of my village, as well:

The Upper Magduhabo Irrigation and Crop-bettering Project. Using only my penis, I was able to with your blessing dig irrigation ditches for the entire village of Upper Magduhabo, thus allowing my people to grow their own rice and escape the price gouging of those assholes from Lower Magduhabo. Praise be to you Tebow for allowing us to piss on Lower Magduhabo!

The Upper Magduhabo Dominance of the Magduhabo County Pekiti Tirsia Kali Competition. Oh, how many years did Lower Magduhabo humiliate the poor people of my village! Now, for five years running, I have borne the banner of my village into battle with the best and strongest of Lower Magduhabo in the Pekiti Tirsia Kali martial arts competition, and vanquished them in battle with only my divine rod! Oh, all punnery and glory to you, Tebow, for allowing me both to make despicable jokes (forgive me!) and for helping me again rain the piss of shame upon the misshapen heads of Lower Magduhabo’s monkeypeople.

23 cases of San Miguel Beer. This is only the current total of cases of beer sitting in Oliviero Nopuy’s refrigerator right now based on bar bets I have won for our village. Rivers of beer have flowed into our village since your blessed editing of my most private parts, rivers which have brought our people great happiness and, unfortunately, an alarmingly high rate of kidney stones amongst our population. (Yet another way in which we best Lower Magduhabo!)

I wish you all the best in your career in the Arena Football League. With the exception of your inability to defeat the Georgia Bulldogs once during your four year term at the University of Florida, you have enjoyed boundless success. I have named my nineteenth child “Timothy Tebow Catacataca” in your honor. He has his father’s blessing, as have all my male children. Their births were even made easier by your hand, as they were pulled whole from their mother’s womb by their members.

Yours in Christ,

Luis Catacataca

ps. I wrote this letter with paper I made myself from a tree I felled with my penis. Thank you, Mr. Tebow! Thank you again kindest sir!