DEAR MR. TEBOW
by Orson on May 5, 2008 12:54 PM EDT
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Jeepneys only look this cool if Tim Tebow has touched them. And Tim Tebow has touched them all.May 5th, 2017
Dear Mr. Tebow--
I write you today to say thank you so much for circumsizing me. You have had many successes in life but I would like to you know no success you have had is as glorious as that which is mine from you. If you had never to come to my country of the Philippines and the cut the burden of my prepuce from me I know today. Nor would we have ever seen your powerful visage floating three feet above the ground at all times, or watched as you fed the village with Doritos you could pull from your ears seemingly at will.
My penis, following the touch of your scalpel and its decisive cutting of the heinous burden of it from my unclean body, grew to its full potential: a mighty 17 inches of brown power for all the Filipino people to see--in only a day! I could not even attempt to hide it, especially with the perpetual aura of glowing purple light surrounding it, and the constant humming it made from radio signals it picked up from as far away as Brazil. Today, our village dances to the samba! And you are to thank for its rhythms coming to my village.
The blessed size of my unleashed anointed member allowed other progresses for the people of my village, as well:
The Upper Magduhabo Irrigation and Crop-bettering Project. Using only my penis, I was able to with your blessing dig irrigation ditches for the entire village of Upper Magduhabo, thus allowing my people to grow their own rice and escape the price gouging of those assholes from Lower Magduhabo. Praise be to you Tebow for allowing us to piss on Lower Magduhabo!
The Upper Magduhabo Dominance of the Magduhabo County Pekiti Tirsia Kali Competition. Oh, how many years did Lower Magduhabo humiliate the poor people of my village! Now, for five years running, I have borne the banner of my village into battle with the best and strongest of Lower Magduhabo in the Pekiti Tirsia Kali martial arts competition, and vanquished them in battle with only my divine rod! Oh, all punnery and glory to you, Tebow, for allowing me both to make despicable jokes (forgive me!) and for helping me again rain the piss of shame upon the misshapen heads of Lower Magduhabo's monkeypeople.
23 cases of San Miguel Beer. This is only the current total of cases of beer sitting in Oliviero Nopuy's refrigerator right now based on bar bets I have won for our village. Rivers of beer have flowed into our village since your blessed editing of my most private parts, rivers which have brought our people great happiness and, unfortunately, an alarmingly high rate of kidney stones amongst our population. (Yet another way in which we best Lower Magduhabo!)
I wish you all the best in your career in the Arena Football League. With the exception of your inability to defeat the Georgia Bulldogs once during your four year term at the University of Florida, you have enjoyed boundless success. I have named my nineteenth child "Timothy Tebow Catacataca" in your honor. He has his father's blessing, as have all my male children. Their births were even made easier by your hand, as they were pulled whole from their mother's womb by their members.
Yours in Christ,
Luis Catacataca
ps. I wrote this letter with paper I made myself from a tree I felled with my penis. Thank you, Mr. Tebow! Thank you again kindest sir!
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I really hope Tebow makes it in the NFL, someone that talented shouldn’t have to spend his whole life working for tips.
by akaRonMexico on May 5, 2008 12:57 PM EDT reply actions
Holy shit. I teared up at least four times.
by The Great Barstoolio on May 5, 2008 1:02 PM EDT reply actions
Why haven’t the people of Florida risen as one to revoke that pesky age requirement for the presidency?
Also, at what time can we expect the lawyers to move in on this surgical issue? It makes one a bit queasy, really.
by Kenny on May 5, 2008 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
This looks about as real as Jim Rome’s story about Perriloux. I mean, they stayed at “Uncle Dick’s” while there to perform circumcisions? Come on.
by The General on May 5, 2008 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
misshapen heads of Lower Magduhabos monkeypeople.
my rock band name of the week
by Futbawl Fan on May 5, 2008 1:20 PM EDT reply actions
My friend Tim is getting married and he and his girlfriend are considering naming their first son ‘Timothy Tebow Cook’. I shit you not.
by mlmintampa on May 5, 2008 1:22 PM EDT reply actions
I’m entertained that a post full of dick jokes prompted the advertising algorithms to spit out an “American Girl” ad.
Also, why does Tim Tebow hate foreskins?
by DC Trojan on May 5, 2008 1:28 PM EDT reply actions
His powers are remarkable. The girl in the famous pic with Mr. Tebow was originally a 34B until he laid hands on her.
by hunglikehussain on May 5, 2008 1:36 PM EDT reply actions
Luis needs to check his facts! Tebow is already 1-1 against the bulldogs! Hmph.
by GatorAM on May 5, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah – the only reason the mission trip was a winner was he didnt have D-backs getting torched by Manningham, Arrington and Matthews all day long.
Sorry – still basking in the glow of a Jan 1 Bowl Game win over the Gators. Go Blue!
by Cock D on May 5, 2008 1:50 PM EDT reply actions
Did you see the guy who developed LSD died last week? What? Orson already knew? Ok.
by OhioDawg on May 5, 2008 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
- — Ugh. Heart. Knife. Pain. Am seriously hoping we play y’all in the SECCG so Auburn won’t own us for the next 6 years or whatever. Pleasepleasepleaseplease.
by GatorAM on May 5, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions
I’m honestly shocked at the love this entry is getting. Orson is fantastic, but even he, the master of all things blog, swings and misses.
by Doug on May 5, 2008 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
Doug @ #18…not this time…
“…the blessed size of my unleashed, anointed member…” There are simply not enough places where one can read phrases like this on a daily basis…O., for the opportunity to disgorge my coffee, once again, on my keyboard, I thank you.
by sb on May 5, 2008 2:49 PM EDT reply actions
i moderately chuckled. but only because it’s true.
by ThreenOut on May 5, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
Although Tebow is a class act, he still manages to work with dickheads.
by Scalz1 on May 5, 2008 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
Not a mission, but a paying gig.
100 skins a week and a chance to get ahead.
by NRBQ on May 5, 2008 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
Just what we need, a goy moyel running around, vat with the cutting and the stitching and the blood!!
by HymanMotherFuckingRoth on May 5, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions
…does this mean Auburn has been blessed with the ability to Danza Stamp Tebow?
by EireHog on May 5, 2008 4:51 PM EDT reply actions
If you want to insult a Philippino, call him a “supot,” meaning “uncircumcised.” It’s like calling him “girlie man.”
If Tebow didn’t bestow his magical circumcising powers on Luis Catacataca, who knows what kind of transvestite Luis would become in 2017.
by Marshawn Lynch's Injury Cart on May 5, 2008 6:50 PM EDT reply actions
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/columns/story?columnist=schlabach_mark&id=3381810
Can we elect Tebow President after he wins his third Heisman and owns Holly’s boobs for the third time?
by John on May 5, 2008 11:33 PM EDT reply actions
@3
I seem to remember what happened the last time Florida had a hand in electing a president who liked screwing around in the affairs of brown people in the name of Jesus. I’ll pass.
by Pillow Pants on May 6, 2008 7:36 AM EDT reply actions
I’ll bet Tebow does touch a lot of penis.
by TebowLovesCock on May 6, 2008 8:22 AM EDT reply actions
“His hands got a little wet during the surgery.”
I’d piss myself too if Tim Tebow had my “anointed member” in one hand and a scapel in the other.
by Sundawg on May 6, 2008 8:48 AM EDT reply actions
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