Whilst Patrick is sporting immense celebratory lip coverage over at Thirty-Five Seconds, we’re prepping for some margaritas with our favorite tri-cultural hero from south of the border: Die schnellste Maus von Mexiko!

Enjoy your Cinco. We’ll see you tomorrow.

It’s #6,432 in Amazon’s bestsellers, so taking a hit, sure, as the Kroger’s sad progress of discount stickers shows.

It should also be noted that Breaking Free is also exactly 432,807 spots above the ESPN Guide to Psycho Fan Behavior. So Herschel Walker kicks our ass yet again. And so does Herschel. And Herschel, and Herschel, too.

Jeepneys only look this cool if Tim Tebow has touched them. And Tim Tebow has touched them all.

May 5th, 2017

Dear Mr. Tebow–

I write you today to say thank you so much for circumsizing me. You have had many successes in life but I would like to you know no success you have had is as glorious as that which is mine from you. If you had never to come to my country of the Philippines and the cut the burden of my prepuce from me I know today. Nor would we have ever seen your powerful visage floating three feet above the ground at all times, or watched as you fed the village with Doritos you could pull from your ears seemingly at will.

My penis, following the touch of your scalpel and its decisive cutting of the heinous burden of it from my unclean body, grew to its full potential: a mighty 17 inches of brown power for all the Filipino people to see–in only a day! I could not even attempt to hide it, especially with the perpetual aura of glowing purple light surrounding it, and the constant humming it made from radio signals it picked up from as far away as Brazil. Today, our village dances to the samba! And you are to thank for its rhythms coming to my village.

The blessed size of my unleashed anointed member allowed other progresses for the people of my village, as well: (more…)

This is probably an instance of Jim Rome joking and someone else picking it up as serious news:

ESPN’s Jim Rome reported Friday on his “Rome is Burning” talk show that the Grand Rapids Rampage are one of two Arena Football League franchises interested in signing troubled LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux, who was dismissed from the Tigers on Friday morning.

Yet that’s news to Rampage officials.

Jim Rome doesn’t really report anything, per se; rather, he says things in a hilariously downpitched voice in between long pauses and pat phrases like “RACK HIM” and fawning calls from listeners read off index cards.

But it’s nice of Brian Van Ochten to take him that seriously. We heard Ryan Perrilloux was going to play first cockracquet for the Moon Team in the INTERGALACTIC BADMINTON SEX LEAGUE. Someone go fact check that immediately. (Press contact for IBSL Vance Duggans, 404-555-1234. He’ll get back to you as soon as possible.)

In the meantime, the Sixty Million Dollar Motherfucking Dollar Man has inspired LSUFreek to new heights.

Run, Little Mac! Run!

The Montana Meth Project represents a landmark of anti-drug advertising: it makes meth look awful while still managing to make the whole thing look somewhat flyover country-heroin-chic fabulous, a real accomplishment if we’ve ever seen one.

The evil mind lurking somewhere in the otherwise benign person of the Great Barstoolio saw this and did what innovators do: they innovatatatatate. We may or may not have chipped in with a few of these, but let us just say they represent some of the most disturbing and funny football/meth-themed farkery we’ve ever seen. You might be saying: isn’t that a very small subset of work?

And we’d answer that we’ve been awake for 32 days, and have no idea what you just said.

Enjoy. Because if you can’t laugh at meth, what can you laugh at, we ask? Besides genocide, that is. We’ve included four of them below: click over to Barstoolio’s House of Romantic But Inevitably Fatal Tropical Evil for the rest.

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