CHOPS: A CRIME DRAMA FROM THE PLAINS
by Orson on May 1, 2008 10:55 AM EDT
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PrintSomewhere in this city, there's a man who fights beasts in the dark to keep them from ruining the perfect sunshine of your safe life. A cop with honor who nevertheless fights whatever fight he has to, no matter how dirty, in order to keep the demons at bay. A white knight stained with the red blood of an endless fight he knows he'll never win.
This is not that cop.
His name is Tommy Tuberville, but you can call him what everyone else does: CHOPS.
Scene: A police office. Shitty coffee. Shitty ties. Quality people. In comes CHOPS. He's wearing a grey suit, black tie, and heavy overcoat we call a bad attitude. CAMILLA, a curvy black lady cop in her early 30s, looks up from her casefile as CHOPS walks in. She undresses him with her eyes, and does so without a warrant.
CAMILLA: Morning, Chopsy. Hit the town last night?
CHOPS: Yeah. It hit back, but I didn't go down.
CAMILLA: Do you ever go down, Chops?
A saxophone flares in the background. No, really, in the background: David Sanborn rises up from behind a file cabinet and plays a sexy sax riff, and then disappears. Chops narrows his eyes and stares dead into Camilla's ebony sex-furnace-indicator-lights. They exchange a mindfucking of incalculable intensity in seconds.
CAMILLA: Chief wants to see you in his office.
CHOPS: This schoolboy needs a spanking, I guess.
CAMILLA: We'll see about that.
CHOPS: Will we?
CAMILLA: Hmm...go see the Chief first, big boy.
In the office, Chief Lowder waits. As Chops enters, he's stuffing cash into a lock box. When he sees Chops, he hurriedly shoves the box under the desk.
CHIEF: Chops, hand in your badge. What you did down at the docks was---
CHOPS:--effective? (Cocks an eyebrow.)
CHIEF: --against every regulation we have, Chops! Those men are going to limp for the rest of their lives!
CHOPS: Bad guys who can't walk can't steal, Chief. That's how I do my math.
CHIEF: And here's how I do mine, Chops. You minus badge equals happy mayor. The press is gonna be all over this, and I can't have that on my watch, Chops!
CHOPS: I get things done.
CHIEF: You're outta control! You're outta line! And you're outta my office for two weeks without pay, Chops!
Chops throws his badge on the desk.
CHOPS: The piece of tin stays here. A cop's still walking out of here whether you like it or not.
CHOPS begins to walk out.
CHIEF: And your gun, Chops. Your weapon, now.
CHOPS: Keep the gun. I never needed it, anyway.
CHOPS walks out of the office and into OFFICER MILES, his archenemy. CHOPS squints, smiles, and dives sideways into OFFICER MILES' knee.
OFFICER MILES: OH, GOD, MY KNEE!!! Chief, he did it again! CHIEF!!!
CHOPS: You'll miss me, Miles. See you in two weeks.
END SCENE.
Scene:You know the bar. Neon lights, stained local pennants, and a jukebox two days from retirement. CHOPS enters and stalks to his stool. The BARTENDER, a graying 50ish woman, opens a beer bottle for him and sets it next to his hand. She says nothing, and he doesn't make eye contact. Over Hank Williams, the voice of a newscaster floats from the screen bolted to the wall: "And here's Ted with sports."
CHOPS: Turn it down, Alma.
PATRON: Hang on a--
CHOPS: Alma. Please.
The BARTENDER mutes the television, but not before we hear: "Thanks, Robin. An Auburn defender underwent surgery on both knees today after a brutal onfield incident. His teammates tell WLAC-10 that before the scrimmage, they were ordered to--"
CHOPS kicks back his stool and makes his way to the jukebox, quivering with barely controlled emotion. The BARTENDER lifts the partition and moves with a speed belying her size to stop him, but the PROPRIETOR lays a hand on her arm and shakes his head grimly.
Clenching his jaw, CHOPS delivers a devastating hit to the jukebox. Once. Twice. Again. Again. Again, until the needle slides off the record and Hank screeches into silence. CHOPS fishes a quarter from his pocket, drops it in the slot, and punches buttons seemingly at random until he hears his Shania.
Shania knows. Shania makes it all go away. He walks with a bit more steadiness in his gait back to his stool, stares into space, and lets the tears come.
END SCENE.
SCENE A desolate stadium. CHOPS has followed SANCHEZ, criminal mastermind who threatened the city by tying bombs made of puppies to children holding kittens, and then vowing to have them fired into City Hall from his secret underground trebuchet. CHOPS huddles along the track, Desert War Eagle drawn and at the ready.
CHOPS: You better come on out, Sanchez. This gun is getting heavy.
SANCHEZ answers from somewhere unseen.
SANCHEZ: Maybe you're the one who needs to come out, Chops! You're the one who's got the hard-on for me, remember? All I wanted to do is have a little fun!
CHOPS finds a circuit box. Despite having no demonstrated understanding of electrical systems or wiring, he begins to fiddle with the wires in the dark like a CIA electrician.
CHOPS: I think I'd like to shed some light on the conversation, Sanchez.
The lights of the stadium come on. Revealed in the middle of the field: evil hippie freak SANCHEZ, dressed in black and holding a detonator.
SANCHEZ: I'll blow up this whole--
CHOPS fires his Desert War Eagle. A burst of red explodes from the side of SANCHEZ's knee. He falls and drops the detonator, rolling in agony and grabbing his leg.
SANCHEZ: MY KNEE! OH GOD, I'M CRIPPLED. I'll get you CHOPS! I'll see you dead if it's the last thing I do!!!
CHOPS: Get in line, Sanchez. And don't forget your crutches. It'll be a long wait.
END SCENE.
Battertooth Productions presents CHOPS, a new crime drama starring Tommy Tuberville. Only this fall on TNT: We Know Drama.
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Comments
I think I could stare a lot more soulfully if I had David Sanborn following me around.
by Holly on May 1, 2008 10:58 AM EDT reply actions
Let’s go chop blockin’ now, everyone’s learnin how, come on chop block safari with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
by NewAZTiger on May 1, 2008 10:59 AM EDT reply actions
I get tired of the chop-block references, but that is some fine work, sir.
by gurn on May 1, 2008 11:04 AM EDT reply actions
The chop block jokes will continue until morale improves.
by Joshua on May 1, 2008 11:16 AM EDT reply actions
I thought we determined it takes two to chop block? Is the Invisible Man part of this series; if so, that’s so cool!
by Sundawg on May 1, 2008 11:23 AM EDT reply actions
Proof once again that it is Buzz Bissinger who is full of shit.
by Crabapple Buck on May 1, 2008 11:25 AM EDT reply actions
LSU Fans complaining about every little thing Tuberville does = Auburn Fans complaining about the midget’s recruiting tactics= Orson’s impotent frustration over last two games with Auburn.
Circle of life, my friends.
Favorite Tuberville entry so far? Chop blocking Osama. Beauty.
by d761 on May 1, 2008 11:30 AM EDT reply actions
I don’t see why “Boom Mutherfucker” Muschamp wasn’t the bomber.
by Scalz1 on May 1, 2008 11:34 AM EDT reply actions
Clearly, you’re out to defame Tommy Tuberville, and you should feel ashamed for it, sir. I weep for the future when people like you will be the source of all our children’s information. Now, if you had some serious journalistic credentials, then it would be okay, but as is, it’s just disgusting.
by Carlinthemarlin on May 1, 2008 11:37 AM EDT reply actions
I think people are trying to take a political message from this instead of just reading it for entertainment value.
and that saddens the baby Jesus slightly.
by ThreenOut on May 1, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions
For some reason I had it in my head that the CHOPS feature would be more like CHoPs – a hilarious buddy show where Tubs rides around on a motorcycle periodically knobbling miscreants in the knee while wearing jackboots selected by That Dog and participating in improbable events of youth culture to keep the kids watching.
But Tubs does have that banal look that covers a volcano of rage, it had to be Dirty Harry-ish.
by DC Trojan on May 1, 2008 11:58 AM EDT reply actions
I wanna see Saban rocking his Sansabelts in a Reno-911 spoof.
Saban is Lieutenant Jim Dangle.
by NewAZTiger on May 1, 2008 12:17 PM EDT reply actions
What?!! No Riverboat Gambler motif in any scene? Too bad.
Otherwise a good show. I’d watch it.
Sullivan
by Sullivan on May 1, 2008 12:17 PM EDT reply actions
Shania has some serious Manitoba’s, and probably a nicely trimmed Saskatchewan.
by hunglikehussain on May 1, 2008 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
for what it’s worth: the clip of Buzz imploding was taken down @ SB. Lawsuit to follow!
by OhioDawg on May 1, 2008 12:29 PM EDT reply actions
DC Trojan has a great concept. Can we bounce this back for a rewrite. And while you’re at it, can you add a giant fucking spider for them to chop block in the third act?
by weagle251 on May 1, 2008 12:31 PM EDT reply actions
Please, LSUFreek, I would like to see Nick Saban’s face pasted on Lt. Dangle, if it wouldn’t be any trouble sir…
by the croominator on May 1, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
And while youre at it, can you add a giant fucking spider for them to chop block in the third act?
+ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS for what may be my favorite joke of all time.
(why would Superman need guards?)
by Holly on May 1, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions
#15
NewAZTiger,
How tall is Tubbs? I know Saban is short…but they look to be about the same height in that pic..
by CapstoneAlum on May 1, 2008 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
Are people serious about “journalism credentials?” What the hell does that mean? A journalism degree?
Serious test questions in a PR course:
“How does your font make you feel?”
Well, Orson, how does it feel?
by UgasTexan on May 1, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
Tubs is ~ 5’11, cause he’s about the same hieght as me. He probably weighs 150 though.
by T-Bird on May 1, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
- Dave – +1 for the PHC reference – well played, sir.
by Out of Conference on May 1, 2008 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
Croominator @ 21, ask and ye shall receive, follow the link.
by Officer Saban on May 1, 2008 1:49 PM EDT reply actions
What Link???
- - I think Saban has been photoshopped to look taller.
by NewAZTiger on May 1, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
As an Auburn fan I have to say…….aw who am I kidding, that’s funny stuff.
by sevenDs on May 1, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
@28
What link?
First you move the northwestern pointing arrow thingy around on the screen. When it turns into a Micky Mouse hand, you’re there.
by hunglikehussain on May 1, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
This is a horrible, offensive and irresponsible mischaracterization of Tommy Tuberville.
Tuberville doesn’t wear a gray suit. Saban does. Same one over and over. From Penneys.
Please issue a retraction and apology immediately.
Other than that, the parallels of Tuberville to crime fighting hero and LSU to worthy-only-of-death thugs is spot on.
by ChemE93 on May 1, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
- - I found the original.
- - I didn’t expect it to be his username… Sometimes bad html code gets submitted and nothing shows up, not that I’ve ever done that before or anything.
by NewAZTiger on May 1, 2008 2:49 PM EDT reply actions
Chops will have to summon all his crime-fighting prowess to deal with this nefarious villain.http://tinyurl.com/4z3wz5
by hunglikehussain on May 1, 2008 3:05 PM EDT reply actions
I guess that is what I get for being a smart ass.
Anyways, the link is “supposed” to be to a Kevin Scarbinsky article on al.com.
Saben is using teleconferencing as a recruiting tool. The man has no shame.
by hunglikehussain on May 1, 2008 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Reminds me of FELL. Is Chops a cop in Snowtown?
LSU freak- pure gold as always.
by tzubear on May 1, 2008 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
I picture Saban more as Hercule Poirot without the wit and crime detecting skillz.
by Bottagetta on May 1, 2008 3:25 PM EDT reply actions
this was very good. lsufreek once again proves that intelligent design is correct.
thanks cobb county!
by robert on May 1, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
Everyone knows that Freshmen make assingment mistakes in a zone blocking scheme.
Aww, fuck-it. What does a chop-block helmut thicker look like???
by IM A MAN IM FORTY on May 1, 2008 4:38 PM EDT reply actions
Officer Saban at #27, now THAT is farkin’ funny.
by the croominator on May 1, 2008 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
“You could see (Saban’s) facial expressions and hand gestures just as if you were sitting across the desk from him,”
perhaps the creepiest lines ever uttered.
by ATL AU Tiger on May 1, 2008 5:30 PM EDT reply actions
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