Everyday Should Be Saturday

May 1, 2008

THE EDSBS BOWL: LET’S RIDE

St. Petersburg has a new bowl game, and we have one number for you, people: $350,000. Yes, all it takes to turn the as-yet-unnamed St. Pete Bowl into the EDSBS Bowl is a measly $350,000 in any currency. Imagine the splendor:

Flyby done by: A low-flying dirigible. Extra spice will be added when hundreds of turkeys are pushed from the blimp onto the stands.

Alternative flyby: Fat bikers in hang gliders holding sparklers. Did we mention they were naked and drunk, too?

Sponsors would include: Zybrowka Vodka, RoboTussin PM (for nightlife!), Cocaine Cowboys, the official bloodcokeumentary of EDSBS, Mercenaries 2, Burning Angel, and Chik-Fil-A. Goddamn, Chik-Fil-A is good. (Get it? Get it?)

Game announcers: Play-by-play: Ron Franklin, but only if we get to shoot him up with ketamine first. Color commentary: CNN commentator Richard Quest, fresh out of rehab with the volume turned up. Sideline reporter: Stephen Hawking.

Halftime entertainment: Tampa Bay’s own Morbid Angel.

For children, an alternate show will be provided outside with the Veggie Tales and special guest Deicide.

Goodie bag will include: one can of Busch Light, one tube bronzer, one pair old man blast goggle sunglasses, a scoop of ropa vieja ladled on top of everything.

All for just $350K, reader. If wishes were horses, people, we’d be running our own glue factory at this point. Let’s make this horse a winner. If everyone who reads this blog just sends in one dollar, we’ll have enough to make me only ask for a dollar TEN TIMES EACH. If Paultards can raise eight zillion dollars and get their own blimp, we can make this dream a horrifying, weeping reality.

(Actually, the Ron Paul Bowl would be uproariously funny, especially because the field wouldn’t have lines.)



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bowld and the beautiful  by Orson Swindle

ROLLERSKATAGATORPIG LIVES

Thank you, Jim Delany. No one wanted a playoff anyway:

We’re not convinced a pure playoff is the solution, but here’s what’s already happened with the BCS. First, we started off with a pig. Then, the pig was given rollerskates. Then, the rollerskate-pig received a transplant of an alligator’s snout. Once the pig’s head proved to be too heavy with the alligator’s snout, a counterweight was added at the tail in the form of sack of buckshot stapled to its tail.

At this point, the plus one would be sewing another head onto the allipigrollerskatebuckshot beast. But at this point, why not ask Dr. Frankenbowl to break out the staple gun and make it happen? We’re already talking about relative degrees of absurdity. The real problem (Carville) is that the other pig (still) is (hates) the Rose Bowl, and that head’s not coming off without some unbelievable gore.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bowld and the beautiful  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUP: HEADBUTT WAY INTO PARTY EDITION

The headbutt is the way to eternal fight glory, the most underrated of fight moves: practically uncounterable, savage, and done with a healthy disregard for the thinking gland and its fine, rock-hard casing. Think of its savage effectiveness in the Road Warrior series, its succinct work in Road House, or its ubiquity in the Orc playbook through the Lord of the Rings movies.

It will not get you into a house party, though, if the person at the door does not want you to, something learned by head-butting, braincase-jarring Washington State defensive tackle Alan Roof the (skull) hard way on Saturday in Pullman.

Police say Roof, 22, allegedly head-butted a man who was keeping him out of a private party Saturday on Pullman’s College Hill.

It looked nothing like any of the scenes below.

That’s one point for Washington State for fourth-degree misdemeanor assault in the Fulmer Cup. The guy who headbutted the hell out of Indiana Jones in the runway fight scene laughs at his puny efforts.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Pacific 10 Conference  by Orson Swindle

CHOPS: A CRIME DRAMA FROM THE PLAINS

Somewhere in this city, there’s a man who fights beasts in the dark to keep them from ruining the perfect sunshine of your safe life. A cop with honor who nevertheless fights whatever fight he has to, no matter how dirty, in order to keep the demons at bay. A white knight stained with the red blood of an endless fight he knows he’ll never win.

This is not that cop.

His name is Tommy Tuberville, but you can call him what everyone else does: CHOPS.

Scene: A police office. Shitty coffee. Shitty ties. Quality people. In comes CHOPS. He’s wearing a grey suit, black tie, and heavy overcoat we call a bad attitude. CAMILLA, a curvy black lady cop in her early 30s, looks up from her casefile as CHOPS walks in. She undresses him with her eyes, and does so without a warrant.

CAMILLA: Morning, Chopsy. Hit the town last night?

CHOPS: Yeah. It hit back, but I didn’t go down. (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 5/1/2008

Pretty much, dude. The playoff proposal fronted by the SEC and the ACC died unholy, cruel deaths at the BCS meetings in Florida yesterday. First Delany pulled at its flesh with pliers; then he had minions whip it with electrified cables; then it was forced to swear fealty to the Rose Bowl forever before sitting unsupported on a bamboo spike. When it finally caved and spoke mercy, Delany then pissed on it, ripped its organs from its body, and had its head hung over the city gates as a warning to the citizenry.

As the Wiz wrote:

The formula for success is simple: Line up the nonconference schedule with home games against the likes of Tennessee Tech, Maine, Wofford and Villanova, ensuring four victories. Then grind out a 2-6 conference record and presto — you’re bowling!

There is hope in all of this for one team looking for an elusive bowl win: thanks to Central Arkansas, Notre Dame might win a bowl game this year. We think we said this last year, too, which shows you that just when you think you’ve hit bottom, the floor drops out and deposits you into a seamless concrete tank filled with lit kerosene and flameproof crocodiles.

Thugs don’t always work. Charlie won’t recruit those hoodlums and thugs you know and love, college football fan.

His plan has worked so far. Weis mentioned that he has had very little social problems to deal with in his three years as coach of Notre Dame.

“I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow,” Weis said. “I won’t do it that way.”

Weis still has not learned how to be a proper head coach, and this is further proof, because as anyone knows, Iowa tried just that, and look where it’s gotten them. City Boyz Inc NOT EQUAL wins.

We think that’s a myth. Shavodrick Beaver, hyperheeled qb recruit for Michigan, receives the ass-end of some awkward Tom Luginbill phrasing in an excerpt from Feldman’s entry from yesterday:

He is probably very similar to what Pat White looked like coming out of high school as a passer, but Beaver is much bigger and may be more explosive for his size.”

That’s all a myth, right? Further field research required.

It’s a road…you go…when you die… Take a shot from the mancannon of the internet in the face, Bissinger! Where else can you get bearded hipsters singing odes to the Rainbow Road level from MarioKart, a game we will waste at least seven hours this weekend playing.



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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