EDSBS » 2008 » April

April 29, 2008

OH, DONNA SHALALA, IT IS ON.

It is bad enough that Florida hasn’t won against Miami since 1985. Now Ms. “Oooh, Look at me I was head of Health and Human Services” is talking shit.

“We don’t admit thugs anymore. We do admit people that like to suntan, but those students are usually in the sun with a book in hand, and I think that’s a difference people overlook,” Shalala said. Right now UM is ranked at 52 and the University of Florida is ranked at 50, according to U.S. News & World Report. One of Shalala’s goals is to not only get into the top 50, but to do so before the football game in fall, so “UM can beat UF twice.”

OHHHH, IT IS ON BUREACRA-BITCH. Sure, you gave children access to health insurance with SChip, but Tim Tebow does not care about your puny bureaucratic accomplishments, nor your fine Ph.D from Syracuse University. We can take trash talk from the braided-up badasses from Miami Northwestern–respek, sirs–but yapping from a hobbit Clinton appointee? Warren Christopher gonna start some shit next, huh? (If so, Warren: Rwanda, asshole. Your bitch status=QEDMF.)

Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit, Donna. But now you made us call Bob Graham and Bill Nelson, two dudes who bring bike chains and mad krues to the fight. There wasn’t going to be blood, Donna, but now you gone and done it. Bernie Machen’s gonna be waiting at the fifty with a stapler and a sack of nails…and not even your canny welfare reforms will save you, then.

P.S. See Barstoolio’s entry for the RambutanShalala. Eerily similar.

Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, person-like people, snubbin', stabbing=passion by Orson Swindle

[ 29 Replies ]

FOOLS! MY PLAN WORKED AGAIN!

Fools! Imbeciles! You dance like puppets on strings whilst I, THE ONE AND ONLY LIMAS SWEED, prove my evil genius once again! Tie-er of maidens to railroad tracks, shadow emperor of the Philippine Islands and several provinces in Paraguay, inventor of the Hydraulic Dream Factory and The Tesla Coil Inverter-Weather-Controller, and internationally renowned rapscallion-at-large…I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!

Limas Sweed: Dastardly Svengali, Impressario, Lothario, and Genius-ario.

After successfully laying incognito for years here in this unsuspecting bumpkin buffet of humanity called Austin, I have not only extorted HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS out of the government by threatening them with my Tesla Coil Inverter-Weather-Controller—see the ferocity of just one of my puniest creations, the cyclonic storm system that disrupted the SEC Basketball Tournament in Atlanta, formerly known as Terminus, for evidence thereof–I have conned the wealthy fatlings who run this sham of a country into paying me as a WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!

This cover shall give me the freedom to only work six months of the year at most, freeing up my fecund brainbox so that it may pursue new and even more dastardly methods of expanding my ROGUE EMPIRE.

Mu-HA!

MUHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!!

When I’m not hauling in passes adhered to my hands with my fantastickal Electromagnetic Gecko Hand Stick-o-Mittens or outrunning defensive backs with my Flubber-Jet-Jackboots, I shall be in my laboratory, devising new and even more maniacal methods of bleeding the beast we call authority with my mind-daggers. Quake at mere hints of what is to come!

The Celestial Sky-Tie! A railroad floating in the sky, so that I may tie maidens to tracks lying not just in the path of trains, but also in the direct line of flight of a fearsome biplane!

The Frame-jumping Motion-Stutter Comical Discombobulator! Uses the forces of molecular hilarity to take any group of uniformed policemen and make them run at what appears to be twice their normal speed. Also makes them unusually clumsy and prone to running in one group, so that any turn around a corner turns into a comedy and a dastardly getaway! HAHAHAHAHHA!

A really superb egg-slicer. I’m planning on selling it on late-night television. It’s not one of my more dastardly projects, but people seem to buy them…um… IN A MOST DASTARDLY WAY, OF COURSE!!!

I’d like to crow longer, but a rogue’s work is never done. The authorities are coming after me. Now! To flee in my hot-air balloon before they capture me and exile me to Devil’s Island, which I’ve once escaped from, and shall do again if necessary!

Fly, my beautiful air-chariot! Hie me to higher ground so that I might continue my villainous ways before fresh, virgin eyes unsuspecting of my true nature. Quickly, into the basket, Ribbons! What is a rogue without his pet Orang-U-Tang? A lonely evil genius, indeed!

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, LEGAL EAGLES! To the pain, crusaders! TO THE PAIN!!! You’ll ne’er cage this wily raven, do-gooders!

Yours sincerely,

LIMAS SWEED, ESQ.
Dastardly Genius and Citizen of the Sweedian Empire of the Leyte Gulf and Oriental Mindoro

Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome by Orson Swindle

[ 15 Replies ]

CURIOUS INDEX, 4/29/08

Yeah, sure, you were about to say something. But fuck that shit: IT’S MARIO KART FOR THE WII, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

More violent that GTA IV. And the roadside hookers in Mario Kart? Far more alluring than the meth-hounds you bang in GTA, especially because they’re Japanese, and therefore disturbingly kinky and capable of morphing into blue tentacled fuckbeasts at any time.

Perhaps Columbia has an open date on their schedule. Notre Dame, rebuffed by Rutgers in an attempt to move their proposed six game series to the Meadowlands for “home” games for the Scarlet Knights, makes the New York Times sassy. And we warned you: you won’t like them when they’re sassy.

How humble of Notre Dame to have visited Ronald Reagan in the Rose Garden at the White House on Jan. 18, 1989, resisting all temptation to call for a meeting at a neutral site more to its grandiose liking.

Ooooooh, Notre Dame you got done EXTERMINGUISHINFLAMMANATED by that one! The writer also points out Notre Dame has lots of fans in the northeast, explaining why the Irish may be making eyes at Syracuse for a new series, presumably played in a custom blue and gold painted Carrier Dome with the Irish spotted seven points to start in the first quarters. (Against Syracuse’s offense, that might do it.)

We’d like to tell you that you can start immediately. Because here at UCLA, our quarterbacks should have had their knees injured in a plane crash, see, but they never got on the plane, and now the Ghost of Knee Death is stalking them all. Seriously: please come to school early. Laters, Rick Neuheisel. (Apologies: that’s COACH Rick Neuheisel, until he loses eight games.–ed.)

It’s like Georgia Tech, but with the possibility of having sex as an undergrad. Taylor Bennett, last year’s starter at qb for the Yellow Jackets, transfers to Louisiana Tech. Paul Johnson is looking like a coach with extraordinarily blunt player relations skills, and we don’t mean that in a bad way:

“He told me what his plan was and where I fit in and what he saw me doing and that didn’t look like something I was interested in,” Bennett said. “I thank him for being honest with me.”

“Son, you cain’t run. And you cain’t pass. And I plan on runnin’, and sometimes passin’.”

“Ruston it is, then!”

Roll, Tide! As in, “please, Tide, roll the urine the young lady just deposited in the Gulf away from my feet.”

Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Atlantic Coast Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, beer by Orson Swindle

[ 36 Replies ]

April 28, 2008

THAT’S WHY HE WENT TO JUNIOR COLLEGE

The immortal Irons Brothers of Auburn, proving that math at Auburn is challenging indeed:

“90 plus 30 doesn’t add up.”

“For real?”

(HT: Ted Turner.)

Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Blog Buddies, College football, Southeastern Conference by Orson Swindle

[ 54 Replies ]

FULMER CUPDATE: STATIC AS SHE GOES

This week’s update brought to you Brian, who as ever is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. Clarifications, whining, and other bloggy-type questions await.

A slow week on the big board overall, presumably thanks to end-of-semester hecticness and a lack of spring-break style foolishness going on around the college world. We’d like to think this commanding lead in the Fulmer Cup standings means Missouri finally gets one shining moment all to itself. Unfortunately for them, Kansas fans have documented a number of shining moments in the history of Missouri athletics.

(HT: PeteJayhawk.)

If someone’s interested in putting this together for Florida State, we’d be thrilled kthxok?

We’re past the halfway point, meaning there’s good news: you’re more than halfway to next college football season. We’ll wait for you.

Okay, now that you’ve kicked the front out of your desk in excitement, deep breaths. We still have a long summer to go, meaning we’ll give odds on upcoming crimes we’ll undoubtedly see over the next four months in the Cup.

30/1: Arson. A coveted charge for the collector, and usually one started not in a pyromaniacal way, either, but rather with fireworks, alcohol, and a moment of weakness when you let the Imp of the Perverse grab the wheel and steer. Leading suspect: Auburn. Middle of nowhere, drought conditions, and plenty of nuke-powerful fireworks to be had. When you see the smoke and a pickup truck fleeing a burning forest, you’ll know what happened.

17/1: Counterfeiting. As long as Ryan Perrilloux is in this cup, this bet stays on the board. Leading prospect: LSU. Because it’s Louisiana. More said would be wasted words.

6/1: FnDC. The classic, and one we haven’t seen much of as yet. Fightin’ ‘n Da Club is a summer hit just waiting to happen, and when it does, the points rack up fast and furious. Leading suspects: Miami or Florida. If Miami gets involved in a fight in public, they will win nine games this season. If not, they win five.

3/1: DUI. The trusty CD in Fulmer Cup investments. Leading suspects: Tennessee. If the Vols claw their way back into the race, it will come by falling out of a car in full sight of a dashboard camera. We blame the state: we’ve never lived in a place where DUI was more commonly accepted as something that “just happened” when you were young, much like acne or wearing a regrettable button-down patterned shirt.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, drankin', drunk white women by Orson Swindle

[ 26 Replies ]

PETER KING’S GROIN-RAVAGED PROSE

“Mama, that’s a baaaaaad place down there.” Mike Oher’s estimate of Baton Rouge stands, as most of the football populace believes LSU recruiting visits look a lot like a cross between the Roman Senators wives’ orgy scene from Caligula as staged in the refugee camp from Children of Men. (Someone’s getting hit in the face with a car battery. It’s just gonna happen.)

And once at LSU, the life of a football player doesn’t really decline in debauchery or quality thereof, we guess. This is the place where, after all, we had this exact conversation with at least three people:

Q: Hey, what happened to Justin Vincent? He was monstrous his freshman year.

A: He majored in fucking fat white chicks, man. That’s what happened.

It should not be a surprise, however, that even the overtaxed minds who follow the NFL should pick up on the possibility of genital overuse in BR damaging your prospects in the draft. From Peter King’s NFL Draft recap:

Calais Campbell (50) was taken to reproduce the pass-rush flash of Calvin Pace, and Early Doucet (81) lasted waaaaay too long after a starry career but groin-ravaged senior year at LSU.

Groin: ravaged.

We should all be so lucky as to have a groin-ravaged senior year. Doucet, injured: cause, Cajun girl in reverse cowgirl hopped up on whiskey sours. Status: probable, but happy nevertheless. This isn’t a description of an injury: it’s a recruiting pitch.

(HT: Dave.)

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome by Orson Swindle

[ 22 Replies ]

CURIOUS INDEX, 4/28/08

Ever watch John David Booty throw a pick and say to yourself, “I bet that guy’s Wonderlic score sucks.” Take a donut, cavalier: you are correct. Booty got a 14, tied for lowest in the available qb scores in this year’s draft. The other: Andre Woodson. Both are idiots who now, most likely, have more money than you do. Go ask them if they want to play a game of mental acuity with you. At stake? Millions of dollars!

Your retirement problem? Sol-ved, friend.

Cthulu loves UCLA. Bad for you that the many-tentacled one’s love is a harsh, evil, and ultimately crushing one. Pat Cowan out for the season with asploded knee. Gutty Little Bruins only real solace may be in the Nestorwatch, and even that dish comes with a fair amount of heartburn.

They’ll put up a statue of you. And then pull it down with a tank. Former Nebraska AD Steve Pederson–he who fired Frank Solich and hired Bill Callahan, the most brilliant football coach to ever give up seventy points to Kansas–wanted the Saddam treatment, just without the whole botched hanging and downed statuary part.

Pederson telling a former Husker player when success returned at NU that people will “put up a statue of me.” (Pederson, now the A.D. at Pittsburgh, twice declined interview requests for this story through a spokesman.)

Pederson also instituted quarterly performance reviews, the organizational management equivalent of hourly rectal exams. In the Harry Potter books, people like this end up raped by centaurs. That’s a bit too kind, in our opinion. Simple rule: if you want a statue built of yourself and cannot perform a task of great athleticism for money, you are a flaming asshole.

Thank you, life. We get this all season, starting with the summary of Arkansas’ spring game.

The last time we saw Dick dominate in the air like that, it was the phallic grooveship from the “Come on Ride That Train” video.

The day you take my truck nutz you will have to pry them from my cold dead hands. The Florida Legislature, who only meet for a month a year anyway, have decided to devote time (but no precious oxygen, having no brain cells) to the issue of whether or not to ban truck nutz.

America’s wang, represent please:

In a spirited debate laced with double entendre, Senate lawmakers questioned whether the state should curtail freedom of expression in vehicle accessories.

Critics of the ban included the Senate Rules Chairman, Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican whose truck sported a pair until his wife protested.

Our business plan for truck nutz underwear and speedos? Now taking investors. Get in on the ground floor while you can.