Colt, you think you lost money? Au contraire. You calculate your loss as $1,378,500 over three years, amounting to a little under 500K a year to live in Hawaii–and you still got signed to the NFL afterwards. That. Is. Nothing.


Oh, poor you, Colt.

I read the stories: you learned Samoan, did funky shit with your hair. You know how much I would have liked to have done something with my hair? Around here, if you get so much as a streak of dye, you’re a “fag.” I used some Bumble and Bumble styling lotion once. When I got back to my locker, there was a picture of the guys from Brokeback Mountain with my face over Heath Ledger’s. I went back to my plain shitty L.A. Looks gel the next day.

I’ll be honest:a little part of me died that day.

You got to win games, too, at least until the last one. We lost to Syracuse. That’s like walking up to your wife and saying “I’m sorry, a toddler stole my car.” It’s both unbelievable and pathetic, especially because the toddler didn’t even have a gun. He just pointed at me and screamed and I couldn’t handle it: that’s how it happened, I guess. Now there’s a toddler driving my car around, and he can’t even reach the pedals, just moving in park slowly headed for disaster somewhere on a downtown Louisville street.

I tried to think of a better metaphor for our defense last year, but I can’t. I just threw up thinking about that, Colt. The only time you threw up last year is when Marcus Howard sacked you in the Sugar Bowl. You did throw up your liver, and that was impressive, but you can replace a liver. Just ask Larry Hagman. You can’t replace a signing bonus you traded in to get your ass beat by Syracuse.

I’m sorry, there’s more.

(Retches.)

God, it’s chunky and hot. I knew I shouldn’t have had Thai for lunch. The chili, it burns on the way up and on the way out.

I don’t know what I was thinking. At least you didn’t lose a $10-15 million dollar signing bonus because you thought this guy Kragthorpe knew what he was doing. You: opted to spend one more year of your life in Hawaii. Me: opted to spend one more year of my life in Kentucky to lose–I’m sorry, the tears are really, really hard to fight here–anywhere between $5 and 15 mil in a signing bonus.

Yours sincerely,

Brian Brohm