Fools! Imbeciles! You dance like puppets on strings whilst I, THE ONE AND ONLY LIMAS SWEED, prove my evil genius once again! Tie-er of maidens to railroad tracks, shadow emperor of the Philippine Islands and several provinces in Paraguay, inventor of the Hydraulic Dream Factory and The Tesla Coil Inverter-Weather-Controller, and internationally renowned rapscallion-at-large...I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!
Limas Sweed: Dastardly Svengali, Impressario, Lothario, and Genius-ario.
After successfully laying incognito for years here in this unsuspecting bumpkin buffet of humanity called Austin, I have not only extorted HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS out of the government by threatening them with my Tesla Coil Inverter-Weather-Controller---see the ferocity of just one of my puniest creations, the cyclonic storm system that disrupted the SEC Basketball Tournament in Atlanta, formerly known as Terminus, for evidence thereof--I have conned the wealthy fatlings who run this sham of a country into paying me as a WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!
This cover shall give me the freedom to only work six months of the year at most, freeing up my fecund brainbox so that it may pursue new and even more dastardly methods of expanding my ROGUE EMPIRE.
When I'm not hauling in passes adhered to my hands with my fantastickal Electromagnetic Gecko Hand Stick-o-Mittens or outrunning defensive backs with my Flubber-Jet-Jackboots, I shall be in my laboratory, devising new and even more maniacal methods of bleeding the beast we call authority with my mind-daggers. Quake at mere hints of what is to come!
The Celestial Sky-Tie! A railroad floating in the sky, so that I may tie maidens to tracks lying not just in the path of trains, but also in the direct line of flight of a fearsome biplane!
The Frame-jumping Motion-Stutter Comical Discombobulator! Uses the forces of molecular hilarity to take any group of uniformed policemen and make them run at what appears to be twice their normal speed. Also makes them unusually clumsy and prone to running in one group, so that any turn around a corner turns into a comedy and a dastardly getaway! HAHAHAHAHHA!
A really superb egg-slicer. I'm planning on selling it on late-night television. It's not one of my more dastardly projects, but people seem to buy them...um... IN A MOST DASTARDLY WAY, OF COURSE!!!
I'd like to crow longer, but a rogue's work is never done. The authorities are coming after me. Now! To flee in my hot-air balloon before they capture me and exile me to Devil's Island, which I've once escaped from, and shall do again if necessary!
Fly, my beautiful air-chariot! Hie me to higher ground so that I might continue my villainous ways before fresh, virgin eyes unsuspecting of my true nature. Quickly, into the basket, Ribbons! What is a rogue without his pet Orang-U-Tang? A lonely evil genius, indeed!
SEE YOU NEXT TIME, LEGAL EAGLES! To the pain, crusaders! TO THE PAIN!!! You'll ne'er cage this wily raven, do-gooders!
LIMAS SWEED, ESQ.
Dastardly Genius and Citizen of the Sweedian Empire of the Leyte Gulf and Oriental Mindoro