PETER KING'S GROIN-RAVAGED PROSE
by Orson on Apr 28, 2008 11:58 AM EDT
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Print"Mama, that's a baaaaaad place down there." Mike Oher's estimate of Baton Rouge stands, as most of the football populace believes LSU recruiting visits look a lot like a cross between the Roman Senators wives' orgy scene from Caligula as staged in the refugee camp from Children of Men. (Someone's getting hit in the face with a car battery. It's just gonna happen.)
And once at LSU, the life of a football player doesn't really decline in debauchery or quality thereof, we guess. This is the place where, after all, we had this exact conversation with at least three people:
Q: Hey, what happened to Justin Vincent? He was monstrous his freshman year.
A: He majored in fucking fat white chicks, man. That's what happened.
It should not be a surprise, however, that even the overtaxed minds who follow the NFL should pick up on the possibility of genital overuse in BR damaging your prospects in the draft. From Peter King's NFL Draft recap:
Calais Campbell (50) was taken to reproduce the pass-rush flash of Calvin Pace, and Early Doucet (81) lasted waaaaay too long after a starry career but groin-ravaged senior year at LSU.
Groin: ravaged.
We should all be so lucky as to have a groin-ravaged senior year. Doucet, injured: cause, Cajun girl in reverse cowgirl hopped up on whiskey sours. Status: probable, but happy nevertheless. This isn't a description of an injury: it's a recruiting pitch.
(HT: Dave.)
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“He majored in fucking fat white chicks, man.”
I’m not sure about majors, but I suspect a lot of us took FFWC 101.
by DevilGrad on Apr 28, 2008 12:09 PM EDT reply actions
You better thank your sweet ass I’m alone in the office right now…tears streaming down my face…can’t catch my breath…“reverse cowgirl hopped up on whiskey sours” pretty much did it for me.
by the croominator on Apr 28, 2008 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
After the vigor with which King has been fellating Brett Favre and Tony Romo the last couple years, he knows a ravaged groin when he sees one.
by Doug on Apr 28, 2008 12:15 PM EDT reply actions
If the big hat has any sense at all, the next video to be shown to prospective recruits to give them a sense of life at LSU will be produced by Jackie Treehorn.
Should that happen.. recruiting battles OVER!
by skinnyphatman on Apr 28, 2008 12:27 PM EDT reply actions
“….but football to the groin has, football to the groin.”
by King Harvest on Apr 28, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions
I know we are all one in the ether that binds us…but why is one obligated to FFWC’s? Why not opt for the slender, svelte, lithe god-bodies…I mean, if given a choice…free will and all, doesn’t it make sense to go for what is appealing instead of tappin’ porkers?
by sb on Apr 28, 2008 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
I mean, if given a choice free will and all, doesnt it make sense to go for what is appealing instead of tappin porkers?
Fortunately, need trumps all. If women asked that question, half of all men would get no sex at all. Fortunately, women are like Steve Spurrier when it comes to recruiting: “It’s all about coachin’ ’em up.”
by Orson Swindle on Apr 28, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions
a certain spinal tap song comes to mind.
“the looser the waistband the deeper the quicksand”
by PTTO on Apr 28, 2008 1:02 PM EDT reply actions
This entry is the EDSBS version of Ow, my Balls!
by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 28, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions
“Fucked too many fat chicks.”
Ah the wisdom of Ricky Jean Francois. One can only hope the gems will flowing this fall. Along with the tackles for loss.
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Apr 28, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions
Fuck a duck,
Screw a guinea,
Cajun pussy,
good as any!
by hunglikehussain on Apr 28, 2008 1:10 PM EDT reply actions
Calais Campbell—his name would be cooler only if it was Bayeux Badass.
by robert on Apr 28, 2008 2:26 PM EDT reply actions
SB – “Why not opt for the slender, svelte, lithe god-bodies I mean, if given a choice free will and all, doesnt it make sense to go for what is appealing instead of tappin porkers?”
SB – I assume it has as much to do with a healthy willingness to allow the “slender, svelte, lithe god-bodies” have free-will as well; you know, aversion to a rape charge.
by Out of Conference on Apr 28, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
It’s like when Pinocchio asked Geppetto a solution to his splinter problem that chicks were complaining about on his puppet pecker, so Geppetto told him to try sanding them out with sandpaper. A few weeks later Geppetto asked him how the girl situation was going, and Pinocchio replied, “Now that’s I’ve discovered sandpaper, who needs chicks?!?”
by Out of Conference on Apr 28, 2008 2:38 PM EDT reply actions
And… we’ve traded in guaranteed Christian pootang for guaranteed “no strings attached” pootang!
Whoo hoo!
by UgasTexan on Apr 28, 2008 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
Still two points better than that 12 Chris Leak put up.
Did Booty’s Southern accent not help on the wonderlic?
ESPN showed that his accent was the key to being a Heisman winner.. oops.
by Rabo Karabekian on Apr 28, 2008 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
O. @ #8…excellent point…it seems I forgot about those who selected me based on potential alone…
OoC @ #14…yeah, there must be a reciprocity, a mutual selection, if you will, as any rape charge will bring on a whole new manner of sexual selection…
by sb on Apr 28, 2008 4:55 PM EDT reply actions
@13,
While I agree that Bayeux Badass would, in fact, be a kick-ass name, I believe that Campbell went to Da U.
by Dr. William S. McPimpslap, M.D. on Apr 28, 2008 6:04 PM EDT reply actions
ADA2UDE @ #21…only to an extent…carnal inspiration is a requirement…I gotta be able to see myself doin’ it and I have seen some FWC’s that I wouldn’t touch with anyone’s courting tackle…just sayin’ its gotta be more than just any port in a storm.
by sb on Apr 29, 2008 2:40 PM EDT reply actions
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