THAT’S WHY HE WENT TO JUNIOR COLLEGE
The immortal Irons Brothers of Auburn, proving that math at Auburn is challenging indeed:
“90 plus 30 doesn’t add up.”
“For real?”
(HT: Ted Turner.)
April 28, 2008
FULMER CUPDATE: STATIC AS SHE GOES
This week’s update brought to you Brian, who as ever is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. Clarifications, whining, and other bloggy-type questions await.
A slow week on the big board overall, presumably thanks to end-of-semester hecticness and a lack of spring-break style foolishness going on around the college world. We’d like to think this commanding lead in the Fulmer Cup standings means Missouri finally gets one shining moment all to itself. Unfortunately for them, Kansas fans have documented a number of shining moments in the history of Missouri athletics.
(HT: PeteJayhawk.)
If someone’s interested in putting this together for Florida State, we’d be thrilled kthxok?
We’re past the halfway point, meaning there’s good news: you’re more than halfway to next college football season. We’ll wait for you.
Okay, now that you’ve kicked the front out of your desk in excitement, deep breaths. We still have a long summer to go, meaning we’ll give odds on upcoming crimes we’ll undoubtedly see over the next four months in the Cup.
30/1: Arson. A coveted charge for the collector, and usually one started not in a pyromaniacal way, either, but rather with fireworks, alcohol, and a moment of weakness when you let the Imp of the Perverse grab the wheel and steer. Leading suspect: Auburn. Middle of nowhere, drought conditions, and plenty of nuke-powerful fireworks to be had. When you see the smoke and a pickup truck fleeing a burning forest, you’ll know what happened.
17/1: Counterfeiting. As long as Ryan Perrilloux is in this cup, this bet stays on the board. Leading prospect: LSU. Because it’s Louisiana. More said would be wasted words.
6/1: FnDC. The classic, and one we haven’t seen much of as yet. Fightin’ ‘n Da Club is a summer hit just waiting to happen, and when it does, the points rack up fast and furious. Leading suspects: Miami or Florida. If Miami gets involved in a fight in public, they will win nine games this season. If not, they win five.
3/1: DUI. The trusty CD in Fulmer Cup investments. Leading suspects: Tennessee. If the Vols claw their way back into the race, it will come by falling out of a car in full sight of a dashboard camera. We blame the state: we’ve never lived in a place where DUI was more commonly accepted as something that “just happened” when you were young, much like acne or wearing a regrettable button-down patterned shirt.
PETER KING’S GROIN-RAVAGED PROSE
“Mama, that’s a baaaaaad place down there.” Mike Oher’s estimate of Baton Rouge stands, as most of the football populace believes LSU recruiting visits look a lot like a cross between the Roman Senators wives’ orgy scene from Caligula as staged in the refugee camp from Children of Men. (Someone’s getting hit in the face with a car battery. It’s just gonna happen.)
And once at LSU, the life of a football player doesn’t really decline in debauchery or quality thereof, we guess. This is the place where, after all, we had this exact conversation with at least three people:
Q: Hey, what happened to Justin Vincent? He was monstrous his freshman year.
A: He majored in fucking fat white chicks, man. That’s what happened.
It should not be a surprise, however, that even the overtaxed minds who follow the NFL should pick up on the possibility of genital overuse in BR damaging your prospects in the draft. From Peter King’s NFL Draft recap:
Calais Campbell (50) was taken to reproduce the pass-rush flash of Calvin Pace, and Early Doucet (81) lasted waaaaay too long after a starry career but groin-ravaged senior year at LSU.
Groin: ravaged.
We should all be so lucky as to have a groin-ravaged senior year. Doucet, injured: cause, Cajun girl in reverse cowgirl hopped up on whiskey sours. Status: probable, but happy nevertheless. This isn’t a description of an injury: it’s a recruiting pitch.
(HT: Dave.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 4/28/08
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Ever watch John David Booty throw a pick and say to yourself, “I bet that guy’s Wonderlic score sucks.” Take a donut, cavalier: you are correct. Booty got a 14, tied for lowest in the available qb scores in this year’s draft. The other: Andre Woodson. Both are idiots who now, most likely, have more money than you do. Go ask them if they want to play a game of mental acuity with you. At stake? Millions of dollars!
Your retirement problem? Sol-ved, friend. Cthulu loves UCLA. Bad for you that the many-tentacled one’s love is a harsh, evil, and ultimately crushing one. Pat Cowan out for the season with asploded knee. Gutty Little Bruins only real solace may be in the Nestorwatch, and even that dish comes with a fair amount of heartburn. They’ll put up a statue of you. And then pull it down with a tank. Former Nebraska AD Steve Pederson–he who fired Frank Solich and hired Bill Callahan, the most brilliant football coach to ever give up seventy points to Kansas–wanted the Saddam treatment, just without the whole botched hanging and downed statuary part. Pederson telling a former Husker player when success returned at NU that people will “put up a statue of me.” (Pederson, now the A.D. at Pittsburgh, twice declined interview requests for this story through a spokesman.) Pederson also instituted quarterly performance reviews, the organizational management equivalent of hourly rectal exams. In the Harry Potter books, people like this end up raped by centaurs. That’s a bit too kind, in our opinion. Simple rule: if you want a statue built of yourself and cannot perform a task of great athleticism for money, you are a flaming asshole. Thank you, life. We get this all season, starting with the summary of Arkansas’ spring game.
The last time we saw Dick dominate in the air like that, it was the phallic grooveship from the “Come on Ride That Train” video.
The day you take my truck nutz you will have to pry them from my cold dead hands. The Florida Legislature, who only meet for a month a year anyway, have decided to devote time (but no precious oxygen, having no brain cells) to the issue of whether or not to ban truck nutz. America’s wang, represent please: In a spirited debate laced with double entendre, Senate lawmakers questioned whether the state should curtail freedom of expression in vehicle accessories. Critics of the ban included the Senate Rules Chairman, Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican whose truck sported a pair until his wife protested. Our business plan for truck nutz underwear and speedos? Now taking investors. Get in on the ground floor while you can. |
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WE’RE SORRY. WE HAD TO SLEEP.
Delays this a.m. due to a need to sleep. We blame New York, where the bars are too close together for our good.
In the meantime, consider the preview of NCAA 2009, where home field advantage turns your pre-play route display into a bad trip.
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