THE CORRECTIONS, 4/25/08
by Holly Anderson on Apr 25, 2008 10:54 AM EDT
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PrintYesterday we reported that, in the wake of their smash hit calendar, University of Oregon linemen will be sponsored in the 2008-2009 season by furniture retailer IKEA. The deal has, in fact, been brokered with West Elm. We regret the error.
Can you spot the difference? Us neither.
Tuesday's "Stuff Purple and White People Like" reported that Northwestern football fans liked something. As the sample size is both too small and too busy telling everyone how they went to Northwestern, and then explaining where it is, and that it's just an amazing school, and I can't believe how you've never heard of it, the list is declared invalid. We regret the error.
Monday's Ryan Perrilloux Blotter Roundup reported that the troubled LSU quarterback was again questioned by Baton Rouge law enforcement officials on suspicion of assault on a federal officer. Perrilloux was cited for fishing without a license. We regret the error.
On Monday, we reported that the Missouri Tigers had taken the lead in the Fulmer Cup on a weed arrest of Austin Wuebbels. Wuebbels called our offices on Thursday and corrected us: he was not arrested for weed possession, but for riding dirty. He then went on to explain, and we print his description of the scene in its entirety.
They see me rollin'--they hatin'. Patrolling, they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Wuebbels then informed us he was going to have to "Laugh at you, then I'mma have to cruise, because I'm in number two on some more DJ Screw." We regret the error, and thank Wuebbels for the clarification.
A Thursday news bulletin reported that Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach has been facing harsh criticism for a training exercise called "Walk the Plank", in which blindfolded receivers are made to stand on a swimming pool diving board and bombarded from all sides with footballs until they either make a two-handed catch or are knocked into the water. The game is called "Pieces of Eight." We regret the error.
On Wednesday, we stated that former University of Miami receiver and fired color commentator Lamar Thomas' favorite sexual finishing move was an Alabama Hot Pocket. This is incorrect; it is actually an Alligator Fuckhouse. We regret the error.
Wednesday's investigation into the new offense at West Virginia contained numerous innacurate accounts of new head coach Bill Stewart's bizarre behavior since arriving in Morgantown. We reported that he has cut and dyed his hair to match that of his predecessor, Rick Rodriguez, and also published allegations that he had thrown the Rodriguez' s new puppy from a highrise window. These are plot elements from the film Single White Female, and according to a followup survey of Mountaineer players and assistants, do not paint an accurate portrait of life in the new Stewart regime. We regret the error.
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Ahhh..the ol’ Alabama HotPocket…I got kicked out of the Blimpie’s in the bottom floor of Tutwiler for pulling off that move…
by CapstoneAlum on Apr 25, 2008 11:08 AM EDT reply actions
I didn’t think this was going to be as funny as last week’s. I regret the error. Outstanding work, O and H.
by Out of Conference on Apr 25, 2008 11:26 AM EDT reply actions
Well done, best Corrections Column yet.
PS: Suck it Northwestern Grads.
by babaoje on Apr 25, 2008 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
i had to assume it was holly’s column just because i figured no way in hell orson knows what west elm is.
by formerlyanonymous on Apr 25, 2008 11:30 AM EDT reply actions
Last week we reported that there is an actual Auburn flag on the moon, near the Sea of Tranquility. It is actually in the Sea of Futility, we regret the error
by Mr Pelican Pants on Apr 25, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions
Hmm, it appears that Mr. Wuebbels has been sippin’ on some sizzurp.
by BDoc on Apr 25, 2008 11:47 AM EDT reply actions
These “we regret the error” posts are far and away my favorite. Keep up the goodness.
by Domer Guy on Apr 25, 2008 12:01 PM EDT reply actions
Looks like someone has been spending just a BIT too much time on urban dictionary clicking on related words….
by pz on Apr 25, 2008 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
I was feeling bad that I’d lived in Alabama for nearly six whole years and had never done the Alabama Hot Pocket . . . then I looked up what it was. I don’t feel bad about it anymore.
by Doug on Apr 25, 2008 12:19 PM EDT reply actions
the difference between West Elm and IKEA is the price my dear
by Jerkwheat on Apr 25, 2008 12:24 PM EDT reply actions
The only thing you can get a Northwestern alum to like is reminiscing about the 1995 Rose Bowl appearance.
/son of NU alum
by Signal to Noise on Apr 25, 2008 12:29 PM EDT reply actions
Which definition in urban dictionary.com is the real one for alabama hotpocket? 1 or 2 – 1 is pretty disgustingly funny and 2 is demonically funny.
by Out of Conference on Apr 25, 2008 12:38 PM EDT reply actions
Mike Leach was reported to enjoy engaging in the “angry pirate.” He actually prefers the Cincinatti BowTie.
by stoopsy on Apr 25, 2008 1:12 PM EDT reply actions
i had to assume it was hollys column just because i figured no way in hell orson knows what west elm is.
True as that may be, it’s also got my name at the bottom. Holla!
by Holly on Apr 25, 2008 1:20 PM EDT reply actions
I think we can all assume at this point that Holly has replaced Stranko as the intermittent, non-Orson poster around here. I do know that there have been posts under jebus’s name too, back when Orson would miss entire Saturdays during the season because of attending games.
by Dave on Apr 25, 2008 1:30 PM EDT reply actions
Lots of good guest bloggers during the season, actually—my girls J-Money and Barstoolio, the boys from Black Heart Gold Pants, EDSBS Live’s own Peter Bean. But yes, I’m here in a permanent-ish capacity since I left Ladies… in February. (Not to replace Stranko, though. Who could replace Stranko? Not me.)
by Holly on Apr 25, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions
You’d think that with all of Phil Knight’s money, Oregon would be using Design Within Reach instead of West Elm.
/metrosexual
Re: the Alabama hot pocket using Ben-Gay: if you did applied the same principle to the Bagpipe but used Nair instead, you could get off while your partner gets some grooming taken care of as well. Or forcibly adapt a German to American grooming habits.
by DC Trojan on Apr 25, 2008 1:58 PM EDT reply actions
@OoC – please, God, don’t let it be #2…. wait, that came out wrong. (That’s what she said.) Ok, I’ll stop.
by GamecockTony on Apr 25, 2008 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
Alabama HotPocket…jebus…..I remember reading Penthouse Forum and thinking that was real once too.
by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 25, 2008 2:38 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, speaking of Stranko, where the heck has he been? It’s been a while since he posted.
by Geaux Irish on Apr 25, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
Promise me alligator fuckhouse was just pulled from the ether. WELL DONE!
I’m in complete agreement with #7.
by OhioDawg on Apr 25, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
In the name of journalism and science, “alligator fuckhouse” is more of setting, not exactly a “position”
BTW, googled “alligator, house” and the previously mentioned phrase was at the top of the list, over the news story of a woman actually finding a gator in her kitchen. Nice job commenters hiking up the Googe ranking to #1.
by meatybob on Apr 25, 2008 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
Every Northwestern alum has to explain that NU isn’t in Boston (Northeastern) and it isn’t a state school (NIU). Then they tell you about how they got waitlisted at Princeton but didn’t feel like waiting and how great Evanston (“E-Town”) is.
Then: tears.
by Willie on Apr 25, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
Fantastic Northwestern blurb. Not only is it accurate, but sadly, that’s about the extent of the attention we deserve in the college football universe.
by Jeff on Apr 25, 2008 6:32 PM EDT reply actions
Actually, the Alabama Crab Slapper is more realistic, what kind of freak would do the Alabama Hot Pocket?
What kind of weirdo freak ho’ would request that shit?
Carmen Electra?
by Mr Pelican Pants on Apr 25, 2008 6:52 PM EDT reply actions
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