OFFSEASON SURVIVAL GUIDE: HOW TO BE SMOOTH, PT. 1

by Orson on Apr 23, 2008 11:52 AM EDT

The offseason survival guide would like to help you through this long, football-free offseason. In order to speed up this process, we're all going back to 1979 to learn to be smooth. Crack open the champale and get your SMU jersey out. It's about to get smoother than you ever imagined, albeit in a non-football way.

A Smooth House. The whole idea of smooth is to pretend you're living on a houseboat in California, or in a ski house in Vail. (Not Aspen--that's so 80s, man.) If you don't have a houseboat in California, that's fine: purchase a houseboat somewhere else. The houseboat should come equipped with a hot, lanky woman who wakes up in a bikini on it four or five days a week. She should be a marine biologist, or failing that,

If you can't find a houseboat equipped with a hot, lanky woman in a hip-hugger two-piece, or just can't find a houseboat, you must consider purchasing a home in the woods. The home should be made of pine cut into boards set at 45 degree angles, and it should feature wraparound decks, huge bay windows in geometric shapes, and an irregular offset roof with a window across the top. It should be decorated in mostly browns, feature lots of rugs and wicker furniture, and have a hot tub you can go into naked with some pink champagne and a brunette majoring in ecology or some shit like that.

Oh, and a fireplace with a rug in front of it, because that's where you get your smooth lovin' on. It's as key as blow, backgammon, and Dallas on Friday nights.

Fondue. No class smoothness can happen without fondue. It's important if you're classing up to the Smooth Life to have a primo fondue set.

It's beyond question that the highest calling of a the sophisticated smooth gentleman of 1980 is satsify woman in the smoothest but still indomitable way. And what shows your controlled but steady heat of your Sterno-hot soul like fondue, which combines something classy and foreign with something completely American: covering tasty shit in low grade melted cheese.

Hot, but smooooooooth.

Plus there's all these forks and shit that go with it. It's sort of like purchasing a knife set--manly!--that you can use to impress ladies with while eating cheese. If you called that a hat trick, brother, then smooth is in the very marrow of your bones.

Raquetball. Gyms are for gay guys, and though you're technically cool with that, you wear the bait-and-tackle-revealing jean cutoffs for the ladies and for the ladies only. And who wants to get all muscle-y and ripped? Again, you're about being a lean, smooth-sailin' vessel, and all the Hawaiian shirts, ski vests, Swedish ski sweaters and Izod shirts you just purchased didn't come cheap, hombre. (Thus explaining the Velveeta used instead of the more expensive Emmenthaler, baby.)

So get some male-bonding time, exercise, and another excuse to buy some more shit with all that sweet money you're making with your Texas Instruments and Teledyne stock in one easy step: racquetball. You have to wear special goggles, use a racket, buy special shoes, wear short shorts to show off the legs, buy some new striped tube socks, and use a special ball that smells just like the aroma of a used condom heated by hot fireside action after some fondue and Champale. (Not that you use a condom, smooth guy. It's all organic with me. The rest is her problem, man.)

The added bonus are the nasty scars and bruises you might get when your partner broadsides you with the edge of his racquet. See? I wasn't meaning to be macho, because it's '80 and we're all past that now. But yeah, I kept playing. No, go ahead and touch it. It doesn't hurt...too..much...

Adrenaline junkie? Go hang-gliding. It's like sailing, but in the air.

Smooth Tunes. Now, we're not going to hedge you in. Yacht Rock's just one way to keep smooth. If you break jazzy and sinister intellectual, then you're a Steely Dan man. Doing drugs makes you a Steely Dan dude, too, especially because they're loaded with lots of references to blow and smoking opium. Don't listen to the lyrics, because then you might start to think, and that's most definitely UNsmooth.

If you're a little country, then you've got to hybridize with some Buffett, because that guy is all about smooth, but in a beachy kind of way. Weed and booze is pretty much what you'll get here, so you might have to get a nice couch to do it right, because you're not really going to be moving for a few years. Go ahead and listen to the lyrics, too: they're great for your soul, because they'll tell you that no matter what you're doing at this moment, well, that's just what you should be doing, and it's all good as long as you grab a drink and just look at the waves, man.

And if you're a bit more urban, well, right on, brother! Earth, Wind, and Fire is your ticket.

Be careful with getting into soul and r 'n b, though: you might have to start dancing energetically, and that's bordering on UNsmooth.

Backgammon. You don't know how to play it. That's cool. It comes in its own suitcase and has dice and a shaker, and there's lots of smooth little pieces, so it must be good. By the time you start to play it with the lady, it'll be too late to figure out the game anyway, so hammered will you be on White Zin and the fine Thai Stick you'll be smoking. Suggest you settle your dispute over the "rules" with a kiss, and you're suddenly playing the game you came to play all along and taking off those corduroys, Captain.

Speaking of...

A Captain's Hat. Ironic? Sure. Serious? Damn right, because this crazy ocean of a life may throw every wave imaginable at you, sailor. You have to be ready, both mentally and spiritually, ready to tack and go where the wind takes you. No fashion decision makes this statement more clearly than the Captain's Hat, showing that while you have some outlaw spirit, you're no pirate: a leader of men, a lover of ladies, and yet married to the sea. (Plus: covers receding hairline.)

An Audi. It's not BMW pretentious, but it's still German. Other acceptable displays of your commitment to the automotive smooth: A Volkswagen Karmann Ghia, MG, or Fiat, the smaller and more convertible, the better, since you don't want all that flyover state bulk weighing you down, and the wind's got to tousle your hair or what's the point of breathing, man.

Cocaine. You think energetic is unsmooth, man? Hell no: you level out the booze with blow, just to keep it smooth but tight, baby. Makes fixing the fondue twice as fun both because of the sudden energy you'll possess in getting the kitchen CLEANER THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED IT COULD BE, but also because once the fondue is done and you've gotten the hot tub cranking, you'll be a mad tiger by the fireside...but only if you call the tiger out, baby. Otherwise, I'm just another lamb seeking refuge from the wolves, lady.

Also: cocaine and a cocaine habit makes losing the "contemporary" house or houseboat really, really easy later down the road. Easier, in fact, than you could have possibly imagined!

Dallas. Oh, you know it's trashy, but J.R. is such an unbelievable badass you can't look away. He impregnates his brother's sister, and then has her sent away? And then turned into a spinoff? J.R. spellbinds you by ruining Cliff Barnes' life weekly, banging every foot-tall hairdo that walks into the room before spanking them in gratitude and sending them on their way, and in one season by overthrowing a third-world government. Toss in the endless string of tailored suits, the ice-blue eyes of a stone-cold amoral killer, and the evil but irresistable grin, and you've got the perfect way to chill out with a cold glass of champagne on your massive an inevitably brown couch on Friday night.

"Are you telling me you had nothing to do with that counter-revolution?" God, we wish that would be asked of us just once in our lifetime.

The Offseason Survival Guide

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Comments

Quit spying on my Friday nights. I’ll get an injunction dammit.

by rtider on Apr 23, 2008 11:59 AM EDT reply actions

Where did you get a picture of the future wife’s parents’ mountain house?

Been combing pictures of real estate in Boone?

Ugh, I hate that house about as much as I hate Boone.

by Coop on Apr 23, 2008 12:11 PM EDT reply actions

SMU to the core my friend.

by ThreenOut on Apr 23, 2008 12:29 PM EDT reply actions

It’s easy to grin,
When your ship comes in,
And you’ve got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile,
Is the man who can smile,
When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

by kleph on Apr 23, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

Pfft, cocaine is so 80s. Heroin is chic.

by Vivek on Apr 23, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

I thought Meth was the new black?

by ThreenOut on Apr 23, 2008 12:44 PM EDT reply actions

Heroin was the chic drug for 1979, is of course what I meant.

by Vivek on Apr 23, 2008 12:44 PM EDT reply actions

6: Nowadays, sure. But for that post-Woodstock pre-Reagan high, smack’s the classy way to go.

by Vivek on Apr 23, 2008 12:46 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t think that Audis were smooth in 1979. A Datsun 280 Z with the license plate “Z for meee,” on the other hand, was silky smooth. As long as you got the t-top roof.

by DC Trojan on Apr 23, 2008 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

I simply don’t know what to say…but, Bravo, regardless, although it didn’t satisfy the itch.

by sb on Apr 23, 2008 1:05 PM EDT reply actions

shit…get smooth people…try some of that cheese: low grade tar heroin mixed with Tylenol PM, and at just $1 a rail, it’s hooking pre-teens in Texas left and right.

by der schatten on Apr 23, 2008 1:06 PM EDT reply actions

Is it wrong to have wished you payed more attention to Dallas on Friday nights when your mom was watching it? I swear to god, Orson, if you make me feel that way about Falcon Crest, there’ll be trouble in Atlanta.

by Out of Conference on Apr 23, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

“It comes in its own suitcase.”

SNORT.

by Rich on Apr 23, 2008 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

Oh I am down with this scene. Just pulled up to my condo in my metalic sky blue porsche 914. What do I find in my mailbox? Sports Illustrated with Steve Garvey on the cover.

Got on my puma’s, some new cushy tube socks, light blue OP shorts with a brown and orange striped hang ten shirt. No hat dude, it messes up my finely feathered hair from the unisex hair salon. If I did wear something on my head it would be my white visor autographed by Roscoe Tanner.

Got a jug of chardonnay for wine coolers. Chicks dig wine coolers. Play a little Pablo Cruise and spray some Faberge musk for men.

by BLAZIN on Apr 23, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

Smooth in the ATL meant tipping the man at the door of the Limelight disco – walking over the caged lion or shark under the glass floor to the stairs leading up to the private rooms… no sweating on the dance floor for you!… and hanging with the ladies who pick out a girl on the dance floor for you…then bring her up

OH…and you know the Dom Perignon… she gotta be flowin

by Futbawl Fan on Apr 23, 2008 1:38 PM EDT reply actions

Blazin: Plus one million to you.

And another smooth and defunct spot from the Smooth Era in ATL: Baby Doe’s.

by Orson Swindle on Apr 23, 2008 1:40 PM EDT reply actions

Does anyone actually listen to Buffet ?
I mean, really ?
I know everyone else in the contiguous 48 thinks that’s all Floridians do all day; sip margaritas and listen to Buffet wearing those sailing pants with the rope belts, aviators, hurrache sandals and a Guayabera shirts. Driving Fiats to the Keys, which is the whole of FLorida, and enjoying the simple things in life: Christopher Cross on a reel to reel, a tourquoise money clip, california coolers, and some high grade poon: Bo Derek or Lynda Carter.

by Scalz1 on Apr 23, 2008 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

Baby Doe’s!

My parents took me out to dinner at that place after my first communion.
Smooth in the eyes of the Lord Y’all

by Ryno on Apr 23, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

Low grade cheese in your fondue? Bad form, sir. Break out the Port-Salut and the Gruyere to dunk your stale bread in. And try not to get any on your ascot.

by jakldawg on Apr 23, 2008 2:11 PM EDT reply actions

All this talk of smooth and no mention of a smooth ’stache?

by Dawg 05 on Apr 23, 2008 2:12 PM EDT reply actions

I was going to mention wine coolers and OP, but Blazin’s all over it.

Also, you are confusing your J.R.: He impregnated his WIFE’s little sister, Kristin* then paid her off and sent her away to California.

Knot’s landing was about Gary, J.R.‘s older brother, and his wife Valene. He also basically ran them both out of Texas, and Miss Ellie bought them a new house in Cali in a little subdivision called Knot’s Landing.

Out Of Conference- it’s on every day on SOAPnet, a channel you probably get but never even knew existed. Also, the first 7 seasons and counting are out on DVD.

*Kristin shot J.R.

by Kanu on Apr 23, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

Don’t forget JR also drove a man to kill himself (Seth Stone after the Asian Well deal).

Hall and Oates goes down as smooth as a well aged glass of Cutty Sark.

by Mitch Cumstein on Apr 23, 2008 2:19 PM EDT reply actions

Ya’mo be there, thats for sure….

by The Gospel According to Tebow on Apr 23, 2008 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

Also, I hope you cleared that fondue pic with the owner of the house or business from which it was taken.

Finally, “How To Be Smooth Part II” better include FUR COATS cause that’s the smoothest shit of all, man.

{throws on 3/4 length mink, jumps in convertible MG, puts the top down, drives off listening to “Ride Like The Wind” by Christopher Cross}

by Kanu on Apr 23, 2008 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

Audis were definitely smooth in 1979. Went on a test drive of one with my dad — it was my senior year in high school. My mom was impressed with its smooth German styling, but absolutely threw a shitfit when she saw the sticker price.

A little post-Fleetwood Mac Bob Welch smooth, anyone?

by Clem on Apr 23, 2008 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

We had a used Audi in 1980. Sister Swindle played “gas station” and filled the tank with water one day. In 1981, we had a Toyota.

by Orson Swindle on Apr 23, 2008 2:37 PM EDT reply actions

According to my 1970s era Playboys, smooth is sitting astride a chestnut colored horse at sunset, surrounded by cows and lighting a Marlboro.

by Sundawg on Apr 23, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

Kanu – regretably, SOAPnet was a channel I blocked when personalizing my DirecTV profile. May have to revisit that.

Also, which was smoother, Faberger or High Karate? I found an unopened gift box of High Karate in my mom’s attic when I was college. It’s still there. I may have to bust that out for my wife sometime.

And would they be Puma’s or the white leather Adidas with the 3 green stripes?

by Out of Conference on Apr 23, 2008 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

All this talk of smooth and not one Billy Dee reference???!!!! That cat was/is the Sultan of Smooth! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

by tOSU_radar on Apr 23, 2008 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

..or maybe that’s for Part II – the Advanced Lesson.

by tOSU_radar on Apr 23, 2008 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

More 80’s ATL references.

Power 99 was the radio station of choice
City Hall was run by the sultan of Smooth – Maynard “Action” Jackson.
Atlanta Flames Hockey and Hawks B-ball were the left and right ventricles and the Omni was the heart of the sports scene.
The Orignal Pancake house on Memorial Drive kept dat ass stuffed on french bread french toast (still does).

by Ryno on Apr 23, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Yet another smooth and defunct spot from the Smooth Era in ATL: Excelsior Mill (currently the Masquerade on North Ave)

by Mitch Cumstein on Apr 23, 2008 3:13 PM EDT reply actions

Question: would singer/songwriter Paul Davis be considered smooth? He had AM radio hits such as “’65 Love Affair,” “I Go Crazy,” and “Cool Night.” I can see that music being paired with a Fiat and a sweet ’stache.

Anyway, he died yesterday…as did “Show and Tell” singer Al Wilson…bad day for Mississippi musicians.

by the croominator on Apr 23, 2008 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not gonna lie. Two of the things I most enjoy in life are cocaine and fondue.

by GamecockTony on Apr 23, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

Croominator — I remember Paul Davis. I bet I could sing the chorus of “I Go Crazy.” Not that anyone would want to hear it. A little angsty to be smooth.

Hai Karate was late 60s-early 70s. I recall the commercials in the same part of my brain with Joe Namath selling Noxema shaving cream. Late 70s-early 80s was Chaps, Aramis, those early designer colognes.

by Clem on Apr 23, 2008 7:37 PM EDT reply actions

ooc, Neither. It has to be “Sex Panther” or nothing at all.

by oc phil on Apr 23, 2008 8:02 PM EDT reply actions

Aww smooth….when I was smooth, it was spiking my hair down the middle in the new “punk” haircut, wearing checkered VANS, putting on my red Parachute Pants we got from a new store called “Parisians” with a black Z-Cavarricci Cavalier Count of Monte Cristo Puffy looking shirt that we bought at a new, more hipper place at the mall called “Merry Go Round”, rock the molester mustache, absolutely reek from English Leather I had borrowed from my dads medicine cabinet, head on down to the skating rink, pay the extra bucks to stay til the Second Session, and make out with all the middle school skanks I could corral into the dark corners under the black lights (which will show alot of lint if you dont clean out the lint screen before you dry your clothes—thanks mom—-) then get into a pop’n and lock’n breakdance battle to Africa Bimbaata’s “Planet Rock—-Rock it ,Dont stop it!” I always got beat with some idiot that could spin on his head or windmill….I did all this while illegally driving a Honda 125 street motorcycle, so at 13 I was already on the prowl, since 14 was the legal Motorcycle age back in the day…yep Divorce was a new concept very popular after Dallas came out, so my parents would try to see who could be the coolest by letting me do what I wanted on each of their respective weekends,and I worked it to my advantage….stay up late on Fri nites, watch Hee-Haw, Dukes of Hazzard then Dallas then become a man by watching Solid Gold Dancers, and flip over the the new thing called a cable box to HBO or Showtime to see some titties……if I could only go back…….Smoooth…..then on Sat. nites——-look out Skateworld……..

by Mr Pelican Pants on Apr 23, 2008 9:01 PM EDT reply actions

As someone who was driving a 1981 Audi 5000 (with a sunroof so large 4 people could stand out of it) let me vouch for the smoothness of that car… even in 1994.

by Cock D on Apr 23, 2008 9:09 PM EDT reply actions

Cock D @ 38, that I believe – but having spent some quality time as a kid in one of these beauties, you can see why “smooth” wasn’t the first word that came to mind for a 70s Audi…

by DC Trojan on Apr 23, 2008 9:49 PM EDT reply actions

Mr.PP, I had a Honda125 also. What ever happened to skating rinks? Ladies choice? Speed skates? Popping paper sacks on the ass of the girl of your choice? Pinball machines? Girls with white skates and pink pom-poms? Tight fuzzy pink sweaters? Brut cologne? Dingo boots?

Time marches on, Time marches on. Tight fuzzy pink sweaters need to make a comeback.

by hunglikehussain on Apr 23, 2008 10:22 PM EDT reply actions

duckheads, topsiders, and I’ll agree with the Hall n’ Oates on a Technics turntable, or Journey in the Z28’s Blaupunkt. Import of choice….moosehead. All things Izod. Were coaching shorts smooth? The bag phone was way too smooth. It was adidas, but it was the all-white “Stan Smiths”.

by jacksrbettor on Apr 23, 2008 11:23 PM EDT reply actions