You know this isnt’ really about Boren transferring from Michigan to Ohio State, right? Right then. Moving on.)

Greetings, assembled members of the media, friends, and of course most importantly, family. I have a few thank yous to mention. First, Representative Miller deserves my thanks for setting up the fine reception here at Ohio State; thanks so much to Linda for helping us out here. Congressman Hurley, I’d like to thank you as well.

And a big round for the caterers, Lunch ‘n Brunch Artisans of Columbus, as well. Come on, those pierogies were delicious–give ‘em a round of applause, people!

I’d also like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ for making this day happen. And of course, I’d like to thank Coach Tressel for having me here at Ohio State. It’s a real thrill to be a Buckeye. O-H!

(Crowd: “I-O!” Boren smiles.)

I’d like to state that I don’t want to denigrate or say bad things about my former school. They run a great program, and do good things. I don’t agree with them, but I had lots of friends at Michigan, and after this is all over I’m still going to have good friends at Michigan.

I do, however, want to draw some contrasts. The contrasts are clear, and I think football fans need to know about them.

I know that Ohio State is the place I want to be because here you can feel that these are people who still believe in family values. The folks in Michigan are going to be doing squats, which only gay guys do that many of, and other “Olympic movements.”

Olympic movements? Sounds like one world government to me, and the day I agree to surrendering a shred of my sovereignty is the day I smoke a Cohiba in the middle of a monsoon, friends.

And I can’t endorse that kind of behavior. It’s not my lifestyle, and I won’t endorse it or the drinking of chocolate milk after workouts, or even the idea of lineman being mobile and lean. It’s unAmerican. I trust those who I believe can defend what is sacred to us: the quarterback. And those who defend the quarterback should be immobile, mighty fences across the border of the defense.

Go figure that a guy named “Rodriguez” would want to do that? You hear me people? Right?

(Crowd applauds wildly.)

Some people may want to take pounds off those lineman: they call it “streamlining,” or even “losing to gain.” I disagree. Every pound a lineman sheds in the name of gaining mobility is a deposit in the surrender bank. I still take defending our quarterback seriously, and will take no spot on the roster of Team Surrender.

Therefore, I left the Michigan program.

Also, I have been told that the classes I will take here are even easier than the kinesiology classes I was to take at Michigan. And those, friends, were even easier than the decision our legislators should make to extend the tax cuts signed by our president in 2004! And that means pretty sweet livin’ for old Justin Boren, friends.

Thank you, and God Bless you, and God Bless THE Ohio State University, and God Bless America! O-H!

(I-O!)

Thank you! Good night!

(Thunderous applause.)