EDSBS Live is on tonight, and our theme is: Doom. Cue the return of four questions!
Tonight’s show, live from Mt. Doom.
1. What player spelled doom for your team? From our perpective, no name filled us with dread more than the words “Starting quarterback…Doug Johnson.”
2. What is your career-ending injury? Ours would be a spectacular compound fracture of the tibia, like Joe Theismann, but not as side-splittingly funny.
3. What is the most doomed matchup you’ve ever watched? Nebraska versus Kansas, 1997. Ice storms. Flags flying stiff in the breeze. Temperature something like nine thousand below zero. It looked like they were playing football on Hoth, and the Huskers were playing the part of the AT-AT.
4. Name a doomed thing you love despite yourself. The entire city of Miami. It’s going underwater in a hundred years, everyone hates everyone else, the primary product of the economy is dodging one form of government accounting or another, and parts of it are Port-au-Prince destitute and twice as dangerous.
Not USC: no, this would be the Trojans of Troy University, whose kicker Sam Glusman demonstrated his powerful leg by kicking in a door and breaking into a house in Troy, Alabama. Glusman picked up a first-degree burglary charge, resisting arrest (STOP RESISTING!) and public intoxication. On looking at that, public intoxication may not the largest score in five point total awarded to Troy for the incident, but its importance as a key variable in this situation probably can’t be overstated. (Three for felony burglary, one each for the misdemeanors.)
In Oxford this past weekend, Allen Walker attempted to drive a car while drunk. He claimed it was an artistic triumph, but local art critics/law enforcement officials cited his poor composition, lack of control of the piece, and it being totally and completely illegal to do that shit. Three points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup, showing Houston Nutt already has them competing all over the place.
And at last, the Sunshine State makes its big debut in the Copa with the arrest of Florida State’s Preston Parker on what appears to be the Hip Hop Lifestyle Package deal: weed and guns. Four points for the moment for Florida State, who shows a spark of NFL talent on their roster by getting an NFL style charge on their record for ‘08.
FSU beats Florida to the “first weed-related arrest for a Florida school” award. Congrats.
How do you enjoy a fluff piece you know from the start will be a perfunctory knob-polishing of a new coach, coordinator, or university president? They’re atrocious to write and just as bad to read, something that is not so much the fault of the writer as it is of the editor who says, “Go get me a profile” to a person who needs access to the program, the coach, and the players. Meaning: the profiles are inevitably nice, hands-offish, and gloss over anything remotely interesting.
Therefore, we at EDSBS Labs seek to give you reality improved. One technique to improve the fluff piece: unfairly excerpt or elide quotes. Another? Unfair illustrations, as seen in this Houston Nutt profile from the Laurel Leader-Call.
“WAYNESBORO – If Thursday night’s tenth annual Wayne County Rebel Club gathering is any indication, new Ole Miss Rebel head football coach Houston Nutt has already won over the Rebel faithful. The last four seasons are nothing but a fading view in the rear-view mirror of their vehicles…”
“If you meet Nutt, you will be impressed even if you are not a Rebel fan. (more…)
The electric cries of the crowd and exultations of the gathered hundreds at the Mid-Northwestern Sons of Lower Umbria Fair of Charlottesville Virginia THRILLED to the brave spiral daredevil antics of young turks Joey “Pancetta” Paterno and Robert “Rocket” Bowden!
The duo placed their moxie and manhoods on the line for the pleasure of the general public by placing their vehicles in the WHEEL OF DEATH, the very same CirVerticular track that claimed the life of the shapely maiden Jeanne Featherbottom and her driver Mack Weekly though gory decapitation in last year’s exciting Mid-Northwestern Sons of Lower Umbria Fair!
Paterno piloted Nemeon, his trusty quadricar, to victory in a twenty lap bout with Rocket Bowden, vehiculating around the center ring with such vociferous a-rat-a-tat-tattling of pistons that decent folk abandoned their interest in other fair exhibits—even the wildly popular anthropological exhbit, “Shemanti: Naked Came the Hottentot!”
An urchin fell into the ring, causing much merriment as he panicked in a comical fashion as the vehicles spewed blue leaded exhaust from their mighty autorectums! Pathos hung heavy in the air as he rattled around the ring like a trapped baboon, but the sentiment turned quickly to excitement as he was devoured by Joey Paterno’s boon companion, Howard the Lion, in a single fortuitous swipe of paw and crunch of jaw!
“Rocket” Bowden, riding his steed Traveller, placed second, and vowed to best Paterno in a race. “The olive oil makes him faster! Check his papers, dadgummit! He’s an ANARCHIST! I’ll outlast him yet!”
Paterno celebrated with a reading of Cicero, a plate of his people’s odious, garlic-reeking food, and by taking his shirt off, revealing a wife-beater and suspenders. When asked if Howard the Lion had helped him to victory, Paterno responded with an ironic wit Petronius himself would have envied: “Lion? What lion? Are you drunk?”
Plus, we’re decimated by injury. At least twenty dollars (in singles) of bonus cash to the person who managed to explain to Larry Munson exactly what Squidbillies is, and what he was going to be saying to whom in the episode.
But yes, that’s Larry Munson as the voice of God. (HT: Thad.)
There’s only two games between the PAC-10 and SEC this season: Georgia at Arizona State, and Tennessee at UCLA. The UCLA game could be an atrocity, but early on it’s not mad to expect the game in Tempe to be a real contest especially given Georgia’s traditionally slow starts and this whole new “going on the road thing” they’re trying out in the SEC. Fortunately, as a Florida fan “going on the road” means flying all the way to goddamn Fayetteville, so we don’t have to worry about these kind of odysseys.
California, Florida, and Texas. Demography rules your football, college fan, whether you like it or not, meaning grumpy Big Ten fans may shake angry fists not just at fate, but at the economy, weather, and the deity of their choice when it comes to protesting the gradual move toward football becoming more of a Sun Belt sport than a Midwestern one. The Big Three represent 26% of the U.S. population, but produce 34% of the talent drafted in the NFL, according to a report by USA Today. (It’s all that running from strip mall to strip mall that does it.)
Chewbacca! BANG. A great reason to fire blindly into a crowd of people: because one of them may, or may not have, called the woman you were with “Chewbacca.” The extremely logical and well-thought out reason for allegedly firing into a group of Cal football players back in 2005 is just part of what sounds like a colossally stupid series of events, excerpted below, that resulted in the death of a young woman shot in the chest:
“I really don’t remember anyone arguing I just remember someone saying no one called you bitches and hoes and then it was over,” Gray said. “I don’t remember no arguing in faces, it was never hostile.”
Others have testified that an argument began after Gray called one of the women a Chewbacca, the name of a large hairy fictional character from the Star Wars trilogy.
Gray said he did not remember calling anyone names although he did remember that his friends told him he called a woman a Chewbacca…
…In doing so, Crenshaw said he heard Willis-Starbuck call someone on her cell phone and demand that the person bring a gun to the feud.
“When I was standing there, she said, `You need to hurry up and come over here with your pistol,’” Crenshaw said referring to Willis-Starbuck’s cell phone conversation. “It was surreal; I looked at her and I thought maybe she was just talking to her phone like that so others could hear her.
After hearing Willis-Starbuck on the phone, Crenshaw said he thought the argument was over because Gray and his friend got into their car to leave.
But as they were driving away, Crenshaw said, two of the women began to yell at Gray, saying he was a scrub.
All perfectly logical. In fact, we attempted to shoot a man for calling us a “Lando wannabe” last night, mostly because it hurt so much BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. We missed and killed a passerby. We regret the error.
Lloyd Carr’s healthis still an issue, even after he’s gone. Carr and Michigan both looked healthy enough in their bowl game, actually. More public shaming of the Florida secondary, as seen below in action.
(No, this will keep up until well into the season, and they show they can defend a simple fucking post route.)
THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM Drop links, tips, and chat in 150 character bursts with the fellow members of the commentariat.
Sponsor Us
If you are interested in advertising on this site, please contact Donnie (don.lacuran@gmail.com)
EDSBS Store Live it. Love it. Wear it until it's ripped from your body by envious hordes of tailgaters.
Locker Room
About us
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Contact
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Lake The Posts Northwestern football, which is purple and smarter than you and no thank you would NOT like a ten win season at the cost of academic integrity, thank you very much.
Maize ‘n Brew And still yet another strong, funny, and literate Michigan blogger. Embarrassment of riches over there, really.
MGoBlog The horribly, admirably partisan Kodiak Bear of UM Blogs
Loading ...
