FRIDAY CHEESECAKE: SERVICE LADIES OF BASIC CABLE

by Orson on Apr 18, 2008 2:59 PM EDT

Layla, WWE Diva.

AC/DC currents of alternating gayness and raging, uncontrollable straight asslust underlie our crush on Layla: we saw her for the first time not on Raw!, but on Project Runway when the designers all got a universal FAIL in attempting to make outfits for them. Their ineptitude aside (including Christian! UNfierce!), Layla looked like wiggling sex going down the runway, and in a pleasant change from most "hot" women on television, is only slightly underfed.

She also gets attacked in shower catfights and, strictly in the name of professional Diva behavior only, kisses other women. She also has an English accent. We'd say more, but you're sold and googling in a very unprofessional way already. Mission accomplished.

Maria Bartiromo, MSNBC.

The money honey herself. Oh, sometimes I like my girls a little bit older. I just want to use your love tonight, Maria, but not in any cheap, subprime kind of way. No, you're classier than that, which might explain the lack of shots of your anal cleft covered only by a pair of hot pants or bikini bottoms on the internet. No matter: I promise heavy investment up front, solid dividends throughout the night, and no going public with this venture until you're good and ready, baby. I mean, ma'am.

Olivia Munn, G4.

Far too much woman for a channel for geeks, and god bless her for it. She's on the skinny side, but if you've been to DragonCon, geeks will take this in stride. In fact, geeks would take amputees and 320 pound women in corsets in stride, since at DragonCon the scrumpcards of even the homeliest, fly-swarmed slattern looks like waiting list at an exurban Carrabba's on Friday night. ("Oh, the bread! You gotta have the bread!")

Gains ample attractiveness points for being endlessly game on a show where she's paraded around as the sample vagina in a sea of sausage.

Kari Byron.

A reliable basic cable diva whose luster remains brassy, dyed-fake, and geekily enthusiastic. She also has a nice ass.

The rest of her's lovely to spec, as well.

Handy with power tools, armed with a decent understanding of applied electronics, and sturdy enough to withstand being shocked, burned, jostled, and whatever else we're leaving off the list. A solid standard on the basic cable hottie circuit who, by being all of those things, sounds prepared for an evening of loving at Casa Swindle.

BONUS!!!: Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Why she wasn't on this list first, we'll never know. We can only plead incompetence, sleep deprivation, and our own constant level of ineptitude.

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Comments

Olivia Munn = 4 horas de sexo !!!!

by Scalz1 on Apr 18, 2008 3:06 PM EDT reply actions

i’ve always had a curious interest in the redhead from mythbusters. i think its the power tool thing…but its nice to know her ass looks great in a spandex bodysuit too.

by gerry dorsey on Apr 18, 2008 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

Olivia Munn must be Fran Drescher’s successor in the long, blessedly silent line of chicks who are only hot when muted.

by poguemahone on Apr 18, 2008 3:17 PM EDT reply actions

Olivia Munn and Kari Byron in the same post?

You’ve outdone yourself in this installment, sir!

by BDoc on Apr 18, 2008 3:18 PM EDT reply actions

Now we know why there was a lapse…Orson was loading up the big guns.

(slow clap)

by VandyJ on Apr 18, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, wow, wow Dept.

Excellent wide-ranging bunda babes this week….

1) Maria Bartiromo: Something about a brainy financial chick makes her so attractive. I am glad I am not the only one that watches her show for the pictures and not the articles, if you know what I mean….

2) Wrastlin’ Babes: On the other end of the brain bell curve, these babes are always hot…but still have no idea why fightin’ chicks are so attractive.

3) Olivia Mumm: All I can say, is thanks for the chubby….

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Apr 18, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

No Kirsten Gum? She’s the new Kari Byron. Hot, a bit naughty, not afraid to get dirty and an avid outdoors adventurer. I know the last one’s true because she helped me pitch a tent just the other night.

by Dinknflicka on Apr 18, 2008 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

My sole (no pun intended) complaint is that the studio floor under Olivia Munn’s feet was not clean as she trod upon it…I am hereby volunteering to sanitize those same feet with my tongue…please?

O., I am greatly pleased by the variety presented this Friday…it makes it easy to avoid running my business…thanks…I think.

by sb on Apr 18, 2008 3:32 PM EDT reply actions

I’m clearly not watching enough G4. My libido just hit overload.

by Signal to Noise on Apr 18, 2008 3:35 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t Giada De Laurentiis be on this list somewhere? Or am I simply not paying close enough attention?

by UgasTexan on Apr 18, 2008 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

#9—be sure to check out G4’s other fine females, including Morgan Webb, Kristin Holt, and Layla Kayleigh.

by Chuck on Apr 18, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

Christina Hendricks, words don’t describe the level of disappointment I would love to leave her with.

by Lloyd Carr Is a Child Molester on Apr 18, 2008 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

Yep, that G4 chic is hot. I wonder if she would mind speaking broken english with an asian accent? That would be icing.

by meatybob on Apr 18, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions

Well, the missus has been on my case to take more of an interest in the family finances… I suppose I will be forced to take in the work of Ms. Bartiromo. Talk about appreciating assets…

by DC Trojan on Apr 18, 2008 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

ooooo…..ooooo…..what ugastexan said @ 10

by gerry dorsey on Apr 18, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Mad Men just became required TV time…

by paco on Apr 18, 2008 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

I concur with #10. Giada is a tasty morsel indeed. However, when I’m not looking at her rack, i seem to find her head strangely out of proportion to the rest of her body. Is it me?

In keeping along these lines maybe Orson could serve up some delicious Food Netwook goodies some Friday.

by mormon T. Suxorz on Apr 18, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions

I’ll take one of each, please.

Especially Munn and Byron.

by Steve on Apr 18, 2008 5:58 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, Christina.

by Holly on Apr 18, 2008 6:09 PM EDT reply actions

Well, Coop (I will accuse you of being a strawman, while being a strawman!) has pissed off some cocks, tafkatosub (I hate it here in the south!) is pissing off some bammers, Johnnie Cochring wants to bomb LA central and I have started cocktail hour. The rest are fantasizing on unattainable bunda.

All is correct and normal in EDSBS world. Cheers!

Life is fleeting, life is fleeting!
Let us labor with a will!
Full of hopes our hearts are beating,
Honor’s measure we may fill;
working makes our spirit brightest,
and sizzurp makes our evenings nightest.

Have a great weekend, play some golf or watch some baseball.

by hunglikehussain on Apr 18, 2008 6:10 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, this picture of Layla makes up for your decidely gay entry of yourself earlier this week. I thought I was scarred for life, but you made up for it. Five manly shots of Jack to you my Florida friend.

by Lawrence Ross on Apr 18, 2008 6:26 PM EDT reply actions

My Bunk , I’ll be in it

by That 5.0 Guy on Apr 18, 2008 8:13 PM EDT reply actions

Feelin’ like a refugee who missed his UN rations. Great work, sir. The hungrier is now the most full.

by The Penguin on Apr 18, 2008 9:36 PM EDT reply actions

While Maria is fine, most of the CNBC girls are quite fetching. Particularly Erin Burnett, Melissa Francis and Trish Regan to name three. Smart and attractive is a strong aphrodisiac.

by Crabapple Buck on Apr 18, 2008 10:15 PM EDT reply actions