AC/DC currents of alternating gayness and raging, uncontrollable straight asslust underlie our crush on Layla: we saw her for the first time not on Raw!, but on Project Runway when the designers all got a universal FAIL in attempting to make outfits for them. Their ineptitude aside (including Christian! UNfierce!), Layla looked like wiggling sex going down the runway, and in a pleasant change from most “hot” women on television, is only slightly underfed.
She also gets attacked in shower catfights and, strictly in the name of professional Diva behavior only, kisses other women. She also has an English accent. We’d say more, but you’re sold and googling in a very unprofessional way already. Mission accomplished.
Today’s real recruiting letter unveiled: Oklahoma State. Among the most innovative in terms of fundraising schemes, Oklahoma State has also pushed the envelope in terms of their recruiting techniques. Their eye for reinventing even the most basic of college football’s tired routines. The latest round of scholarship offer letters? No words needed, amigo.
Tuesday’s “Coaches in Media” report incorrectly identified Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson as the face of the Dos Equis “The Most Interesting Man In The World” campaign. As of press time, Coach Erickson is not affiliated with Dos Equis in any professional capacity. We regret the error.
Our Wednesday profile piece on Mike Patrick described his hobbies as baking, reading the early poetry of Wordsworth, and rubbing his dirty underwear on public drinking fountains when no one is looking. One of these is inaccurate; we regret the error.
A Monday night editorial took the position that University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow would make a terrible companion in an adventure film, as his do-gooder nature would press him to ensure that any treasure discovered under the sea/in the desert/in the jungle would make its way to the descendants of worthy indigenous peoples and not to finance a sweet houseboat. Upon being informed of Mister Tebow’s medical prowess, however, it is the position of the EDSBS staff that his skill in dressing and suturing field wounds would prove invaluable and that his squinty blue eyes would look totally boss gazing into the distant sunset on the one-sheet. We regret the error. He’s so dreamy! In an unforgiving, all-slaughtering Christian gladiator kind of way–ed.
Tuesday’s Curious Index identified the Zodiac Killer as former UCLA coach Terry Donohue. This is inaccurate, as we all know it was Lil’ Red. We regret the error.
Because man is the most dangerous animal…
Wednesday’s bulletin stating that the Iowa Hawkeyes have canceled spring practices was inaccurate. The management, while standing by our reporter’s account of empty locker rooms and silent practice fields, concedes that it is possible there may exist players not yet arrested or dismissed from the team, perhaps frightened by strangers into hiding under benches. We regret the error.
A dispatch from South Carolina’s spring practices on Thursday stated, “There is evil there that does not sleep. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.” This is a passage from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord Of The Rings, and was improperly attributed to the city of Columbia instead of the hellish inferno of Mordor. We regret the error.
Mordor’s architecture is far superior. We regret the error.
In Tuesday’s “The People In Your Neighborhood” interview, a Starbucks barista who regularly serves Washington Huskies coach Ty Willingham recounted his stormy dissatisfaction with the chain’s new Pikes Place brew. This was based on false information and bad sourcing. A spokeswoman for the UW athletic department released a statement stating that while Coach Willingham is not a fan of the lighter roast, he recognizes that the baristas can only do so much with the quality of beans available to them. We regret the error.
And our starting tight end is Woggy Patel. Iowa’s starting tailback in their upcoming spring scrimmage: Paki O’Meara. He has luscious hair and sensitive, huggy eyes, and his first name is an ethnic slur for Pakistanis. Iowa football, your magic ride into football absurdity is just one big log-flume ride of enchanted amusement.
That’s fucked up, Rich. Remember West Virginia’s Calvin Magee alleging that a West Virginia official told him he would never get the head job in Morgantown because he’s black? That guy was supposedly Larry Aschebrooke, who is heaving a steaming fresh affadavit of his own back at Rodriguez in the ongoing legal tussle over the 4 million dollar buyout.
Aschebrook also detailed a conversation between himself, Rodriguez and Magee. Aschebrook alleged Rodriguez made him a promise of employment at Michigan and added this statement: “This isn’t about you Larry, it’s about me. You can’t afford it, I can’t afford it. I don’t have $200,000 in the bank. I’m paying for [wife] Rita’s family, my family, and [West Virginia is] doing this to me. I’m sorry about this, but it’s business not friendship.”
Aschebrook’s response: “That’s fu–ed up Rich.”
How you pronounce that is beyond us: we think we that means is “fucked up,” and it would be. If it was true. We assume everyone is lying to some degree in this case, and that the mad monkey-squabble for moneybananas in the Rodriguez departure turned everyone into screaming, amoral apes.
Dan Hawkins is so straight-edge. Big X’s on the back of his hands, Vegan Reich tapes in his hand. A duh-RAG at parties, baby: that’s Dan Hawkins at your big 420 party this weekend.
NOTES: Dan Hawkins let it be known that he is not a fan of 420 Day. “I am a little down on that, I am a lot down on that, unequivocally down on that, in a big way,” said Hawkins. He said the team knows how he feels about the topic.
You’ll forget he was there anyway man, and just settle down on the couch to play a little Rainbow Six: Vegas 2, forget you were playing, and wake up to find you’ve been sleeping with a spilled drink in your lap for seven hours. At least, that’s probably what our 420 party will go like.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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