Our inside sources gave us the copy of an actual offer letter from Bobby Petrino to a recruit in its unedited draft form. We can only assume Wei Fong is Bobby Petrino’s extremely unfortunate manservant.

Hello, (insert recruit name here. And do it this time, Wei Fong, or it’s half-rations of millet for you again. And you know you don’t like it when your hair falls out, do you? Or when the HC leaves a radial saw running outside your locked room all night? No, you don’t. Insert. The fucking. Name.)

I , the head coach (referred to here as The HC) would officially like to offer you a scholarship to the University of Louisville Arkansas. (Ed: Fix that NOW. People will think the HC is insincere.) This is a four-year scholarship to play football for us here in our community in our college town, and for our university. It is an honor, RECRUIT, but you’ve earned it with your strong football play, good grades, and your demonstrated good character. (If they have an arrest record, remember to change this to “amazing potential.” The HC will take the scorpions out of your cell if you do this with every letter, Wei Fong.)

The details will follow, but the HC personally wants you to know we will do everything possible to convince you that our football team, wherever that football team is, will be the best place for you to realize your potential both as a football player, but also as a football player. Whether your needs are financial, financial, or financial, or perhaps merely the concerns of someone who wants to make sure their finances are taken care of during their time at college, the HC will make every effort to show you that that is none of my business. No, none.

(We can’t pay players, because when you do, they want you to respect them. And that makes the HC break out into shingles, and shingles do not make the HC happy. Wei Fong, include this, and the HC will tell the Chinese government your father is a Tibetan who has a blog. The HC does not lie about finking your running dog parents out to the FSP. He will do it.)

Also, say your mother is lonely. And single. This happens. Sometimes your dad takes off, and pretty soon she’s just spending the days working, coming home, cooking dinner for your ungrateful face, and then getting one hour of precious eyefucking on with Patrick Dempsey on Gray’s before passing out into the only time of day she can be happy: when she’s asleep. A woman like that has needs, and the HC will meet them if it that’s what it takes to get you to commit to this university, wherever it is.

I’ll Russian Dog Tag your mother if necessary, or even put her in the wheelbarrow and run a few circuits of Shiva’s Cyclone if needs be. Is she into being choked, or maybe even a little voltage play? Fond of threesomes, public sex, or maybe just an old missionary plow-cow waiting for a solid old ten-minute wiggle and tickle? And when the HC says the HC, he could mean the HC brother. He’s the one who’ll have sex with the unattractive ones. Which won’t be your mother, of course. If any of this upsets you, don’t worry. You probably can’t read it anyway.

There’s also the issue of God. The HC is a man of faith, and even attend a church here in this fine university town the HC lives in here in that state the HC lives in. In fact, the HC talks to God daily, and if you’re a person of faith, the HC feels and understands your needs. Because you need to go to school here, or God will be angry. The HC will rain down punishments untold upon your house, like turning you gay and stealing all the televisions from your walls. He told the HC that this afternoon, and he mentioned you specifically. Don’t take this lightly, because the HC is going to talk to him right now about you.

In case you don’t understand this, a reference diagram:

(If you’re not a person of faith…well, Wei Fong, work up something for the atheists, too, like that the HC is all about the Spaghetti Monster. And are we recruiting any Satanists or Wiccans? Put something in there about them, too, like how the HC likes to sacrifice a fatted calf before each game on an altar of sacred black obsidian. Because the HC actually does do this. And if you tell anyone, the HC will talk to the Old Ones about you. They listen to the HC.)

Most importantly, know that the HC is committed to (insert school here. This is Arkansas, right? Man, how’d that happen?). The HC will be here for the rest of the HC’s professional life. He plans to retire here, to raise his family here, and grow old here. The HC will never leave. As he writes this, the HC is literally imprisoned on my own orders, surrounded by gladiators with tridents and nets who, if the HC attempts to escape, will gunny him up in those nets, place the bundle on their huge forks, and carry him back to my office.

(Also, Wei Fong: has the HC’s agent called? Tell him that Washington job had his name all over it, dammit.)

We at (SERIOUSLY insert the University Name here) hope you consider this sincere and very serious offer.

Sincerely,

Coach Bobby Petrino
Head Coach
University of (Somewhere)

(Wei Fong, add the HC’s signature. The HC wants to look personal here, and when the HC signs his name, flames singe the paper. The HC also can’t see himself in mirrors, either. Look into that, Wei Fong, or you’ll be moved into solitary with Casey Dick. And you don’t want that.)