CURIOUS INDEX, 4/17/08

by Orson on Apr 17, 2008 8:05 AM EDT

It's inevitable. If you drive around long enough in Atlanta, you will find yourself in your car inexplicably doing the Bankhead Bounce to the same song the 47 year old black woman next to you is doing a sitting variation of the stomp to...and when it's gospel, it's even weirder. Weird or not, disco gospel from Kirk Franklin kicks off the day today. Ms. Johnson from the car next to us (we're tight like that now) and I are going to have coffee together at the Starbucks by the Magic Johnson theatre and discuss her crazy daughter's fascinating ways, and how men are dogs, and nothing but.

Blame Orson. Orson Charles of Plant High School broke Florida's national title trophy with his ass, bumping it off its pedestal and shattering the crystal football into a thousand well-insured pieces. Charles now has a powerful incentive to attend Florida, since we were so nice about him destroying our trophy and all.

A frightened Charles thought he was in big trouble but felt relieved when assistant coach John Hevesy and head coach Urban Meyer joked about it (Hevesy said now he had to commit to UF, Meyer asked him how it felt to be a Gator). The trophy was insured, Charles would later learn, and Florida has ordered a replacement trophy. The school will receive it in the next few months.

Auburn is still waiting on theirs from 2004. (Ducks internet machine gun fire.) LSU got one with two losses; Auburn doesn't sniff one with zero. Dr. Pangloss, this is the best of all possible worlds!

Syracuse football: admitting it is the first step. Learning is unlearning is ignorance is strength is weakness is power: the first sentence of this report on the final spring practice from Syracuse football is all one needs to know about the Greg Robinson era at Syracuse.

If Greg Robinson has learned anything about his team these past four weeks of practice, it's that there are still more questions than answers.

What he's learned is that there are known knowns, unknown knowns, and what those things that are still known are unknown. Oh, and that competition is really, really important. And stuff. The funniest fact from Syracuse's practice: Doug Hogue, a sophomore running back, soared to the starting position because of both his talent and the fact that every other running back went down at one time or another with injuries. He's underwhelmed by how he got the job, but get it how you get it: the last man standing gets the gold, mate. (What does it say about that clip that Steven Bradbury was hailed as an Aussie hero? Only what we already know: that Australia is the last and best hope for humanity.)

Sam Young: heavily dramatic. Sam Young, who claims to have added 43 pounds of lean muscle in a year, did not. It's just impossible according to the laws of human physiology. (Even roid users have a hard time packing on that kind of mass in a year. If Barry Bonds and Carrot Top couldn't do it, it just can't be done.) He did star in a play, however, where he plays someone who tries to kill someone, a role no one on the ND offensive line played last year in any way.

We remain unimpressed. Call us when he's ballsy enough to do ballet in a dress, baby, like Florida alum and Titan/Buc Ben Troupe:

That's Motherfucking Mother Ginger to you, punk.

ANARCHY!!! Terry Donohue explains the origins of the "over-the-wall" tradition at UCLA.

"The players thought it would be a good idea to throw the coaches in the shower, then go over the wall," Donahue said. "That's exactly what they did. I climbed up the tower so they couldn't get me. Then they proceeded to wander around campus singing Christmas carols."

Can you say PCP? We can. Angel dust was huge in 1980. Just ask Helen Hunt.

Tweet Comment 21 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

Phew, for a minute there, I thought one of Herchel’s “personalities” had been captured on film.

by hunglikehussain on Apr 17, 2008 8:41 AM EDT reply actions

would it surprise anyone if urban meyer had a closet full of replica trophies and had recruits “accidentally” break them, just to guilt them into signing?

the guy doesn’t miss a trick.

by matty blue on Apr 17, 2008 8:54 AM EDT reply actions

Ben Troupe is on the Tampa Bay Bucs now.

by Pat on Apr 17, 2008 8:57 AM EDT reply actions

Dear Helen Hunt: Ryan Perriloux is NOT impressed.

by RaginCajunRebel on Apr 17, 2008 9:22 AM EDT reply actions

I especially like how they roll Helen Hunt around in the broken glass after she jumps out the window.

by Dante on Apr 17, 2008 9:37 AM EDT reply actions

We should totally get the pieces, since Jerraud Powers blasted that punt into 1000 pieces in that year’s gaytor ass-whippin

by James on Apr 17, 2008 9:41 AM EDT reply actions

PCP’s a hell of a drug….

by scoring@home on Apr 17, 2008 9:44 AM EDT reply actions

It never gets old:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110213005261

by SH on Apr 17, 2008 9:45 AM EDT reply actions

the OU ball-ripper will stand trial on Dec. 1

http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?articleID=20080417_12_OKLAH05111

plenty of longhorns should be able to make the trial to show support for the prosecution, since texas doesn’t really have to worry about playing in the big xii title game

“learning is unlearning”
OS, i’m glad you finally applied the diamond sutra to foobaw – +100 lotus petals to you

by okiedomer on Apr 17, 2008 9:54 AM EDT reply actions

…and that race is why Ohno had to get into celebrity dancing. Still the only speed-skating event I remember through the haze of curling matches.

by brougham on Apr 17, 2008 10:10 AM EDT reply actions

You shut your lying mouth! Sam Young did put on 43 pounds of lean muscle! He did, he did, he did! I’m a Notre Dame fan, goddammit. Let me have something to believe in, damn you.

by Harris on Apr 17, 2008 10:13 AM EDT reply actions

Zing!

At least you’re even-handed when throwing jabs across state lines.

by Tater Salad on Apr 17, 2008 10:27 AM EDT reply actions

you ’member that time louis winthorpe III got caught with angel dust?? nearly ruined his life.

by gerry dorsey on Apr 17, 2008 10:39 AM EDT reply actions

Will the replacement trophy be clear crystal or the tarnished yellow variety like the one Ohio State stole in 2002?

by Oranse Taylor on Apr 17, 2008 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

In an ATL related note…Anne’s Snack Shack on Memorial Drive/Cynthia McKinney Blvd. makes the best burger in the free world.

by Bellefay on Apr 17, 2008 10:45 AM EDT reply actions

Bellefay—Exactly where on Memorial Drive is that?

by Orson Swindle on Apr 17, 2008 11:28 AM EDT reply actions

Bankhead Bounce? I prefer the Doggy Bounce!

by EarthyTechnoPop on Apr 17, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

Orson-

http://atlanta.citysearch.com/profile/11469935/atlanta_ga/ann_s_snack_bar.html

Check it out. It’s a religious experience.

by Bellefay on Apr 17, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

The trophy was insured?

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey, sorry about that.
Randolph Duke: It’s perfectly all right, William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray Valentine: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
Billy Ray Valentine: You want me to break something else?

by Texas_Dawg on Apr 17, 2008 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

May I recommend the epic tune “Gospel Time” by Beenie Man for you and Ms. J., as it deftly combines both types of music mentioned above, a perfect mesh of booty shake and gospel.

Here’s the chorus:

“Hey move to the left in the name of Jesus (repeat)
Move to the right in the name of the lord (repeat)
Could I see you just shake that body that Jesus gave you (repeat)
Shake that boody in the name of lord (repeat)
A salvation time gonna sing a little song”

Get your hands on this tune asap, Swindle. Trust me.

by Kanu on Apr 17, 2008 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

Y’know this gospel singer Kirk Franklin is an admitted Pr0n addict. He came out on Oprah Winfrey’s show a few years back. It was so creepy. While describing his routine of secretly looking at porn sites he was staring at Oprah and enthusiastically licking his lips after every 4th word. It was probably just a nervous tick, but it made him look like he was imagining sitting alone at his home computer while his wife was at work. Of course, the perv had his wife at his side the whole time. Finally Oprah asks something about their amazing marital bond, and asks Kirk Franklin, “what do you love about your wife so much?”

He replied, “I mean, Oprah, have you seen her? She is the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. I mean, like, oh my god. When I first saw her…whoo! I knew I had to have this girl.”

Oprah was mortified. Before she brought him out, O was telling the audience how much she loved his music, and that she would pipe it into the company gym while the staff worked out together.

by Chester Copperpot on Apr 19, 2008 10:26 AM EDT reply actions