Everyday Should Be Saturday

April 17, 2008

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? REALLY?

You don’t need to know that. What? Whatever. Fans don’t need to know. Anything.

I thought we could get through this without this stuff without an issue. But if you really wanna know how we’re gonna deal with it? I mean, really? Fine. I’ll let you know how we’re gonna deal with it.

—John Parker Wilson’s gonna go to Bonnaroo. And when he does, he’s gonna get the bad acid. We’ll call it Lyme disease and get him a medical exemption. Don’t ask me where we got the idea. You don’t need to know that, either.

—Jimmy Johns will leave to pursue a religious calling. He’s gonna go find a trust fund in his name for $250K in Buenos Aires and then scream, “Praise Jesus!” The trick is: he’s got to walk there. It’ll take him years, but we’re all about the process here at Alabama. I told Jimmy to watch the crocodiles in the Isthmus of Panama. He’s a good kid. He might make it.

—I will pit two of Shula’s signees against each other, and place both in a circle. The circle will be outlined in flames. Two shall enter; none shall leave. Because I’m going to have a sniper shoot the winner, and it’s all gonna happen in slow motion, because this is MY PRISON MOVIE, I’M THE WARDEN, AND YOU’RE ALL DANCING NANCIES IN MY SHAWSHANK SCRIPT!!!!

I also have an announcement, yes, an announcement everyone: there is a horde of killer bees loose on campus, and they’re following Leigh Tiffin around campus. Why he’s covered with honey, I don’t know. That’s why I returned to the college game: for young people, and the crazy things they do, like walking in front of a masked man carring a honey sprayer and a basket full of killer bees on campus and not thinking, “Oh, my, what’s a man doing with a mask on and a gun that sprays honey and a basket labeled “KILLER BEES”, nope not suspicious at all.” Gotta love that about college kids.

I believe that takes care of five scholarships right there. I mean, we’re praying for Leigh to recover.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t have time for this shit.

(HT: The Wiz.)



Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

THE URBSTACHE, WITH SOUNDTRACK

Don’t ever stop believing, people. Urban won’t let you.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mustaches, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

LOYALTY: OVERRATED

An ode to ADD-stricken, vagabond coaches over at the SN: that’s the latest column over at the office, where we extol the virtues of those coaches who, for one reason or another, can’t stay stationary.

Just like one old bandito we know:


Schnell-dogg, he runnin’ this shit.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bloviating, media whoring  by Orson Swindle

THE URBSTACHE

Urban Meyer, on a gallivanting tour of the known world INCLUDING CINCINNATI!, addressed the Cincinnati Bearcats, told them they were on the way toward being a great team, national title contenders, all those other things you’re supposed to say when the other coach asks you to talk to the team…but WHOA HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT:

Stuntin’ like your daddy : he looks like Mark Spitz if he hadn’t pansied out, put on a speedo, and spent a decade splashing around and staring at a line of black tiles on the floor, or perhaps a more charismatic, less retarded Phil McConkey, or even Tom Cruise, back when he was just a confused young pre-clear banging Mimi Rogers. Or, as the Maj suggests, a young Robert Kerman, better remembered as the dude from the opening scene of Debbie Does Dallas, a gifted man in his own right.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mustaches, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

SCHOLARSHIP OFFERS: UNIVERSITY OF PETRINO

Our inside sources gave us the copy of an actual offer letter from Bobby Petrino to a recruit in its unedited draft form. We can only assume Wei Fong is Bobby Petrino’s extremely unfortunate manservant.

Hello, (insert recruit name here. And do it this time, Wei Fong, or it’s half-rations of millet for you again. And you know you don’t like it when your hair falls out, do you? Or when the HC leaves a radial saw running outside your locked room all night? No, you don’t. Insert. The fucking. Name.)

I , the head coach (referred to here as The HC) would officially like to offer you a scholarship to the University of Louisville Arkansas. (Ed: Fix that NOW. People will think the HC is insincere.) This is a four-year scholarship to play football for us here in our community in our college town, and for our university. It is an honor, RECRUIT, but you’ve earned it with your strong football play, good grades, and your demonstrated good character. (If they have an arrest record, remember to change this to “amazing potential.” The HC will take the scorpions out of your cell if you do this with every letter, Wei Fong.)

The details will follow, (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

PETE CARROLL WANTS TO GROOVE WITH YOU

Pete Carroll’s Facebook status as of 8:22 a.m. EST was:

Pete doesn’t strike me as a “Who’s That Lady” guy; that guy was my dad, who’d roll the windows down, light up a Vantage cigarette, and put down the Ray-Bans and let the Izod and the newly-washed Chevy Caprice do the talking for him. Nor does he seem like an “It’s Your Thing” guy, either, since that’s too East Coast-sounding and a bit too close to Motown for his tastes.

Let’s see: West Coast smooth production values, just enough funk, redeeming message of social justice, hand claps (you know a Pete Carroll song has to have hand claps)…ah, there it is. (more…)



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 4/17/08

It’s inevitable. If you drive around long enough in Atlanta, you will find yourself in your car inexplicably doing the Bankhead Bounce to the same song the 47 year old black woman next to you is doing a sitting variation of the stomp to…and when it’s gospel, it’s even weirder. Weird or not, disco gospel from Kirk Franklin kicks off the day today. Ms. Johnson from the car next to us (we’re tight like that now) and I are going to have coffee together at the Starbucks by the Magic Johnson theatre and discuss her crazy daughter’s fascinating ways, and how men are dogs, and nothing but.

Blame Orson. Orson Charles of Plant High School broke Florida’s national title trophy with his ass, bumping it off its pedestal and shattering the crystal football into a thousand well-insured pieces. Charles now has a powerful incentive to attend Florida, since we were so nice about him destroying our trophy and all.

A frightened Charles thought he was in big trouble but felt relieved when assistant coach John Hevesy and head coach Urban Meyer joked about it (Hevesy said now he had to commit to UF, Meyer asked him how it felt to be a Gator). The trophy was insured, Charles would later learn, and Florida has ordered a replacement trophy. The school will receive it in the next few months.

Auburn is still waiting on theirs from 2004. (Ducks internet machine gun fire.) LSU got one with two losses; Auburn doesn’t sniff one with zero. Dr. Pangloss, this is the best of all possible worlds!

Syracuse football: admitting it is the first step. Learning is unlearning is ignorance is strength is weakness is power: the first sentence of this report on the final spring practice from Syracuse football is all one needs to know about the Greg Robinson era at Syracuse.

If Greg Robinson has learned anything about his team these past four weeks of practice, it’s that there are still more questions than answers.

What he’s learned is that there are known knowns, unknown knowns, and what those things that are still known are unknown. Oh, and that competition is really, really important. And stuff. The funniest fact from Syracuse’s practice: Doug Hogue, a sophomore running back, soared to the starting position because of both his talent and the fact that every other running back went down at one time or another with injuries. He’s underwhelmed by how he got the job, but get it how you get it: the last man standing gets the gold, mate. (What does it say about that clip that Steven Bradbury was hailed as an Aussie hero? Only what we already know: that Australia is the last and best hope for humanity.)

Sam Young: heavily dramatic. Sam Young, who claims to have added 43 pounds of lean muscle in a year, did not. It’s just impossible according to the laws of human physiology. (Even roid users have a hard time packing on that kind of mass in a year. If Barry Bonds and Carrot Top couldn’t do it, it just can’t be done.) He did star in a play, however, where he plays someone who tries to kill someone, a role no one on the ND offensive line played last year in any way.

We remain unimpressed. Call us when he’s ballsy enough to do ballet in a dress, baby, like Florida alum and Titan/Buc Ben Troupe:


That’s Motherfucking Mother Ginger to you, punk.

ANARCHY!!! Terry Donohue explains the origins of the “over-the-wall” tradition at UCLA.

“The players thought it would be a good idea to throw the coaches in the shower, then go over the wall,” Donahue said. “That’s exactly what they did. I climbed up the tower so they couldn’t get me. Then they proceeded to wander around campus singing Christmas carols.”

Can you say PCP? We can. Angel dust was huge in 1980. Just ask Helen Hunt.



Filed under: Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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