TIM TEBOW, SURGEON.
by Orson on Apr 14, 2008 10:52 AM EDT
23 comments
Someone beat us to the satire, but like good ingredients, you needn't add much to plate it and go: according to Chris Fowler on Gameday Saturday, Tim Tebow performed not just medical procedures during his last trip to the Philippines, but "used a scalpel" under the supervision of medical types. Meaning: Tim Tebow, Jungle Surgeon, lives.
This makes us unbelievably queasy to think about, and not because Tim Tebow could slice precious hand ligaments, forever damaging his non-throwing hand in the process. (Fumbles, kids. They kill more people every year than tetanus. This statistic brought to you by the Swindle School of Handily Fabricated Statistics.) Unless they're talking about psychic surgery, something we think Tebow could master with a bowl of pig innards and five minutes of training, and which is quite popular in the Philippines.
In a former life, we worked in development/refugee stuff, and part of that stuff included a stint working with an emergency prep unit at a large development agency. They guys who worked there were universally crusty development types, mostly American vets with medical training or cynical Brits (redundancy), and they had tales of being in the field following earthquakes or in undersupplied refugee camps and having no choice but to perform basic medical procedures: IVs, injections, bandaging and perhaps lancing if absolutely necessary.
None of them--and we're talking about PTSD cases with skin cancers from third-world sun that demanded their own coffee in the morning, damn grizzled types--none of them had stories about actually opening people up. None of 'em. A large development agency working in shithouse conditions like the legendarily nasty camp at Goma cringes when they hear about that happening, mostly because they try to keep an ample supply of doctors on staff to do the nasty stuff.
It's not like anyone can sue; there happens to be a paucity of malpractice attorneys on the volcanic plains of the eastern Congo. (Young law school grads---we smell opportunity!) It's a matter of medical ethics: if you don't really know what you're doing, you probably shouldn't be cutting into another human being. We really, really, really hope Fowler misspoke---or at the very least, got an inflated/inaccurate story handed to him. Because, for lack of a better word, that is some sketchy, sketchy shit, even with the Philippines' atrocious doctor/patient ratio.
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Anyone who can rip out an organ down there is qualified. It’s true, I saw it in Turistas.
by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 14, 2008 10:58 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Shit, I can cut somebody open. Call me back when he performs a successful exorcism.
by Doug on Apr 14, 2008 10:59 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Tebow may just be the coolest kid in College Football. Missionary, hot wife with big cans (in pictures at least), awesome jump shot TD passes, sideburns, jorts…. oh yeah he’s a friggin surgeon!
by ThreenOut on Apr 14, 2008 11:05 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Is this what SEC fans had to put up with with David Pollack? Although, it never got this bad, did it?
Just that constantly recycled picture / factoid about him and David Greene playing pee wee football…
by Darkknight on Apr 14, 2008 11:07 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Orson: yes, Fowler misspoke, that was a faith-healing which Tebow performed, so worry not! He hasn’t traded in his faith-based powers for worldly ones.
by UgasTexan on Apr 14, 2008 11:07 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Impossible! He is not wearing jorts!
by Tony the Tiger on Apr 14, 2008 11:10 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I was pretty uncomfortable with the level of ball-washing going on during the ESPN broadcast. Why not just put the team on the cover of SI?
Too jinxy by far.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Apr 14, 2008 11:21 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
#4
Yes, it DID get this bad with David Pollack.
by ATL AU Tiger on Apr 14, 2008 11:36 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
You mean ESPN is overhyping some individual or team?
Not too much of a stretch to predict the Tebow lovefest, overall, will eclipse the Pollack/Greene orgy that was mainly a CBS fueled endeavor, if it hasn’t already.
You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop on Tebow, some revelation that he runs a bestiality website or kills train hobos for his enjoyment, but he appears to be as good, if not better than, as advertised in the character department.
by Coop on Apr 14, 2008 11:45 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Wait, so when the priest pulled the beating heart out of the guy’s chest in Temple of Doom, that was just a hoax?
by Chips O'Toole on Apr 14, 2008 11:45 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That’s nothing. At least Tebow’s patients got sewn back up after surgery.
Nick Saban operates and then makes his patients run ‘til it heals back up because he doesn’t have time for stitches.
Mike Leach operates and then has the healing mud rains of West Texas do the rest.
Pete Carroll eschews surgery all together, preferring to give his patients a tall glass of Tahitian Noni Juice and a lesson on the power of positive thinking.
by Dave on Apr 14, 2008 11:47 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
11: No, that priest was really Tebow.
If Tebow was in the Philippines and then had that fever on Sat. I’d be a little more concerned. He might have brought something back. (Prob. not)
If Superman can change in a telephone booth, Tebow can do anything!
by Charlestownecock on Apr 14, 2008 12:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Should any law enforcement agency need DNA samples from Urban Meyer or Tebow, they need only scrape it off the clothing, hair and face of Fowler, Herbstreit and Corso.
by gurn on Apr 14, 2008 12:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Gurn,
What are you trying to say?! You think that Herbstreit has a dress hanging in his closet with a white stain on it.
Meyer and Tebow at press conference:
“We did not have relations with that woman, Kirk Herbstreit!”
Or maybe Herbstreit thinks the ‘O’ in tOSU stands for “O-face”, OhOhOh.
(Did I go too far, not sure if thats possible on this blog)
by Charlestownecock on Apr 14, 2008 1:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Paul Sarone and his ball point pen laugh at your Tebow.
by Pillow Pants on Apr 14, 2008 2:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The damage is done. Tebow has performed surgery in the 3rd world and is on the path to immortality. If this guy isn’t the spawn of Satan than I do not know who is. He is obviously the anti-christ.
And what the fuck is a faith healing?
by odell51 on Apr 14, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
As a UGA fan, even I got tired of hearing about “the Davids” on a weekly basis. But no-way-no-how did the Pollack love come anywhere near the same realm as Tebow, who’s treading on Leinart/Bush territory already. Considering that TT has yet to begin his Jr. year, I’d say we’re on the path to new horizons. But here’s some Pollack material for auld lang syne:
by Because They Can on Apr 14, 2008 4:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
OK, so maybe Strangecock’s old stuff ain’t working so well. I guess you’ll have to take my word for it that it was good stuff.
by Because They Can on Apr 14, 2008 4:29 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Yawn, call me back when he gets credit for a patented solar shit house like calvin johnson.
by Brian on Apr 14, 2008 4:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Well, at least Tebow is accurate— you just better hope you are one of the first patients and not one of the later ones, coming in to the fourth quarter of his shift when he is under pressure to perform.
by meg on Apr 14, 2008 7:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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