The ad doesn’t even attempt to solder together what beer and the ability to block someone have to do with each other, but we respect that kind of naked dialectical linkage in our advertising: no need to couch it, we like our consumerist propaganda neat.
So…they went and had beer afterwards? And then made passionate love? Kroeter, we must know what happened to you after you discovered the 190 pound offensive lineman could read.
That bear: it eats pizza. And sometimes coaches.Art Briles used to coach at Houston and win games. He now coaches at Baylor, where he will–for one year at the least–lose tremendous amounts of football games. Briles is no rube: he’s clawed his way up from the petri dish in his coaching career, starting as an assistant at a high school and working his way alllllll the way up the coaching ladder. This will make and keep someone very, very humble, and Briles’ quote about spring practice certainly oozes that:
“First of all, we didn’t get anyone injured; that was our number one goal,” said Baylor head football coach Art Briles.
They’ve gone 7-33 the past five years, meaning they’ve had “not getting anyone injured” as the mission statement for a while now, coach. We are just discussing spring practice here, and we wouldn’t want to unfairly excerpt him. (We never do that.) Briles did get financial candy to move to Waco–a 1.8 million dollar contract will do that–but we wonder what kind of naked BASE-jumping while wrestling over a single chute with a Spetznaz assassin does Briles indulge in? The Baylor job is straight fiendish danger for coaches and their careers; Guy Morriss, calling from a high school, would like to reinforce this point vigorously.
We are developing a serious Steely Dan problem. It’s all so sleazy, grand, and elegantly subversive! Today’s soundtrack for Blogtoberfest: “Doctor Wu.”
Joel has exclusive footage of John Chavis, Tennessee’s longtime defensive coordinator, high-stepping down the sidelines following an outstanding play by the Vol defense. Nessy is involved, but in our world, the Loch Ness monster is always involved.
Mississippi State, third-fattest university in the nation? Internet=truth, though we would point out as a rejoinder to Red Solo Cup’s observations that the numbers are from 2005, and perhaps a bit dated at this point. Three universities from Louisiana make the top three, though the University of New Orleans should be off the list after all that swimming. It’s the best exercise, you know.
Our tips on surviving the drought in college sports not named baseball are here at the SN. Actual discussion follows, including our favorite comment yet by a commenter on the SN:
Good attempt Spencer, but I find even reading your article is an unwanted distraction from my meditation on Rey Mauelugas’ hit on Todd Boeckman; the one where everyone is horrified because Rey has torn his head off. Nobody has seen that before on nationwide t. v. But then everybody is releived when they look over to the bench and see Todd holding his helmeted head in his lap with one hand and a cup of Gatorade in the other.
So you turn to the guy next to you and shrug and say, “That’s college football.” And he high-fives you back. “Damn right it is.”
Now, if you don’t mind Spencer, I’m going to return to the lawn bowling on Mars channel.
Medication allows people like this man to participate in society. God Bless you, Merck; Buddha approves, Bristol-Myers-Squibb.
OH: The Sporting Blog lives. Now with actual blog-esque looks! And bugs, too, but that’s rolling rollout for you.
Earl Campbell’s Heisman is sitting in an airport breakfast bar. Life is humbling to an unfair degree: first, massive health problems; second, thousands of lumpenfolk eating their eggs staring at the Heisman purchased with his kneecaps and a hundred concussions (mostly other people’s, of course.)
Ryan Perrilloux is Britney Spears. Or something like that.
SMQ offers sterling premature assessments of both Kentucky and USC. Hey, remember that USC plays Ohio State in the third week of the season? Your productivity is done for the day. You’re welcome.
The most read college football blog? It ain’t this one: Brian’s riding Dickrod Fever to the top spot in the offseason.
Mike Barwis would like to casein chocolate milk progressions lifty lift lift and unstable apparatuses yes. Extremities like rubber to steel for football flexibility and bringing pain with stretchy muscle explosive movements and movers. We’re gonna be strong pancaked bioenergetics 400 pounds on the clean RAAAAAAGGGHHH.
New Michigan Strength Coach Mike Barwis
Barwis, as fascinating as he is, will talk you into a drooling stupor after about five minutes or so, so we advise that you limit your contact to that video to a minute at a time, with adequate rest of one minute in between sets, and hopefully building up to a rep of 5 viewings of 5 minutes each as your ideal set.
Barwis is the trainer for the Michigan Wolverines, a team now giddily buying new pants because of their bulging thighs and happily slapping the ground with newfound flexibility after a spring under Gewichtenfuhrer Barwis and his new training regimen. We were mooning on about the wonders of a proper training program, something Michigan certainly seems to be inheriting from West Virginia now that Barwis is on board, when we realized how little we actually talk about training here, especially because if you’re like us, belong to a gym and get phenomenally bored with what you’re doing.
At the very least, you can injure yourself in new and fascinating ways. Today: the pain and glory of Olympic movements.
“Olympic Movements.”
This refers to weight lifting exercises done in Olympic competition, thus the name. (more…)
Pete Carroll’s Facebook updates have become a source of much mirth for us, mostly because they are so precisely Pete Carollish in every way. And we’re jacked to help him find batteries.
Reasons Pete Carroll might need those ever-so-scarce batteries:
1. Rey Maualugabot out of juice. (Maiming people takes voltage.)
2. Having battery collecting competition with someone, maniacially assembly piles of batteries in order to WIN FOREVER.
3. Wii controller died halfway through intense Tennis Match with Will Ferrell. The loser has to plunge their hand into the hot water heater and keep it there for three seconds! Yeah!
4. Taser not eliciting quality yalps! of excellence and pain from recruits like it should.
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WHEEE! Look, a Florida defensive back with the ball in his hands!
Orange and Blue game is this Saturday. Pete Carroll told us we were a bit overexcited-looking this morning…on Facebook, of course. The game will be televised on ESPN at 1 p.m. Yes, this is sick…and glorious. It is your fault you do not have x-ray vision. Malcolm Kelly, OU receiver, ran a leisurely 4.68 at Oklahoma’s pro day, and naturally, it is not his fault. “Certain people have tried to hold me down, and they know who they are,” Kelly said after the workout. “I wouldn’t say the whole OU coaching staff, but certain people, I would say that.” He’s talking about the apparent misdiagnosis of a quadriceps tear initially labeled a “deep thigh bruise,” which in most cases we assume to be “Um, not so sure, but man the big dude does not like it when you touch his thigh on training table.” Stoops thinks this is unfair, natch: “I don’t think that is fair,” Stoops said. “A lot of deep tissue injuries take a while to figure out. Our doctors do as good a job as anybody in the country. Regardless of what his injury was, misdiagnosed or not, it was a deep tissue injury. He never played. It isn’t like he played a game and re-hurt it. He would not have done anything different than he’s done, which is rest it for a long period of time, which he did, and rehab it.” Bethune-Cookman doesn’t play in the Fulmer Cup. Pity they’re not divison one: BCC running back Brandon Wright not only gets an arrest for pulling a shotgun on a guy who owed him money, but also earns trafficking cocaine within 1,000 feet of a school, home invasion robbery and false imprisonment–and these are “among other charges.” We’ll update, as we may just deem this worthy of an Ellis T. Jones III award for individual achievement. Paul Petrino, the offensive coordinator at Arkansas, is chasing wide receivers around the field for forty yards after every catch. This explains why, Arkansas student, you saw Razorback teammates idly throwing objects at miserable Hawg wideouts, who are now conditioned to sprint 40 yards after they catch any thrown object. Stop them before they run into traffic! Artrell Woods laughs at your paper cut. A year after getting a dislocated spine in a freak weight room injury, Artrell Woods will likely play football in one form or another for Oklahoma State this fall. You’re going to the gym today, Nancy, whether you like it or not, because Artrell woods dropped 185 pounds on his neck and he’s asking to get hit again. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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