STUFF ORANGE AND GREEN PEOPLE LIKE
by Orson on Apr 9, 2008 11:06 AM EDT
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PrintContinuing in our theft of the Stuff _____ People Like, ripped off shamelessly from SWPL, consider the latest installment: Stuff Orange and Green People Like, a look at the sophisticated cultural palate of Miami Hurricanes' fans. Assisting with the exotic installment are Lieutenant Winslow and The Great Barstoolio, and by assisting, we mean writing pretty much the whole thing save the HTML code.
Read prior installments here, here, here, and here. Enjoy, and remember: we encourage you to visit the city of Miami, a quirky, thriving, and dangerously sexy city with the proud motto "Miami! Come back, we weren't shooting at you."
Arrepas and BBQ
Arrepas and BBQ rodent chicken pork cat on a stick. Some say that the chupacabra is fictional. Some say the chupacabra is alive and well and living in Little Havana. Some say that there is a rational explanation for the alarming lack of homeless cats in the neighborhood surrounding the OB. Regardless of your personal beliefs, there is only so much beer and swellteringly oppressive heat that a person can endure before they stop asking questions and fork over their 5 bucks.
Si! Es la chupacabra! Y tiene tacos! Cinco dolares, ahora cabron!
Flair. You may wonder where the flair comes from. They grow it locally, of course. Do your Pop Warner football games have a D.J.'d intro? No, they don't, and that's why you suck.
"Twennee Dolla No Blockeeen"
Orange and Green people LOOOOOVE negotiating the cost of parking with the balsero, rafter "cuban-american" whose lawn they are renting a parking spot.
Orange and green people like to confirm 35-45 times "So, I won't be blocked in, right?", and deep down, they really want to believe the man/woman 14 yr old directing parking and/or traffic when he says "twennee. no blockee. twenneee dolla, no blockeen", so they fork over the cash and they pull their car into the illegal immigrant's enterprising entrepreneur's lawn which has now been converted into the staging area for a third world like game show to see how many cars can be crammed onto one 35 square foot lawn (dents and scratches be damned!).
Orange and green people know, deep down, that as soon as they head towards the O.B., 6-8 cars will immediately be parked on all sides of their car and they will be double and triple blocked in. After the game orange and green people usually commiserate with the very person who's car is blocking them in, because that person was, in turn, blocked in by someone else. and just as that someone else was the last person to arrive, they are inevitably the last person to leave the stadium. Like charlie brown kicking a football, orange and green people fall for this one e-v-e-r-y time.
The word bro, bro.
Orange and green people finish (and sometimes start) every sentence with the word bro, bro. Orange and green people don't care whether they're speaking to a male or a female, bro. Because this term doesn't indicate the gender of the person being addressed, bro, its just sort of used in every sentence as a general designation, ok bro? Orange and green people will sometimes call in to local sports radio stations and ask questions like "Bro, dont you theeeeeeenk that if Ken Dorsey were to come back and be the head coach, the U could go undefeated next year bro?" or "Bro, this moving to Dolphins stadium shit sucks, bro. i miss the OB already bro."
The Cuba Libre
Hmmmmm... I'm not entirely sure what the official drink of orange and green people is, but if I had to call it, I'd have to go with the cuba libre. (Although it could just as easily be that incredibly shitty "presidente" swill that they serve at the OB.) But if forced to choose, I'm going with the cuba libre b/c orange and green people (particularly female orange and green people) have no qualms about hiding a bottle of rum in places that god never intended, so that once inside the OB, they can remove said bottle from its unmentionable hiding spot, & buy a large coke and continue drinking unabated underneath the brutally sweltering Miami sun. Such instances are usually concluded with an alcohol fueled physical confrontation in the 3rd or 4th quarter involving another fan or their significant other, or both. If this physical confrontation is heated enough, the orange and green person may even forego the remainder of their cuba libre in exchange for the satisfaction of pouring/throwing it on the person with whom they are soon to be in fisticuffs with, much to the delight of all onlookers lucky enough not to be withing splashing distance.
Fighting.
We like to fight when we're at home,
We like to fight inside a dome
We like to fight when we've been beat,
We like to fight on bourbon street
We sometimes fight with those we've known,
We always stick up for our own,
We like to fight, its what we do.
Cocaine Cowboys. Orange and Green people, horrified and fascinated by their surroundings as they are, are most horrified and fascinated by the period of time from 1975 or so to 1985, known mostly for the rise of the Miami football program and the simultaneous boom resulting from the ridiculously profitable cocaine trade. If they're not enthralled this specifically, they're at least happy to tell you how awesome Miami was when Tony Montana's fake tiger was being sold as "chopped beef" under the north stands back in 84.
Fun fact! The Miami Federal Reserve Bank in 1980 took in more dollars than all the other Federal Reserve Banks combined. Coincidence: Howard Schnellenberger arrived in Miami in 1979. The Don got away scot-free, baby! Lesson: know when to get out. The days of laundered money swelling into glittery apartment buildings, pastel shirts, and Colombian gangsters shooting the Dadeland mall to ribbons bring a kind of panic-fringed warmth to the hearts of orange and green people who loved the lolling in piles of money and suddenly rakish charm of their city, but hated the, you know, kill-y parts and stuff.
But don't believe us: believe U fan Trick Daddy, who admires legendary Colombian hitman Rivi's "professionalism."
Note: though built in 1937, the stadium's design worked well for the Cocaine Cowboys period of Miami's history. The seats are benches because FLAT SURFACES FOR SNIFFING ARE PERFECT. And those weren't rust spots! They're glory holes for the coke whores!
Dorky, broseph-type white qbs. For some odd reason, Da U has always topped their wedding cake of freakishly gifted local talent (by stereotype: mostly black, braided-up, and from some of the most frightening neighborhoods on the planet) with a gawky, dorky white qb. Jim Kelly, Bernie Kosar, Geno Torretta, and the pinnacle of the phenomenon, Ken Dorsey: all indomitable on the field, and all easily mistaken for day traders and brokers off the field. Orange and green people will adore their rhythmically-impaired signal-callers even more when they find out that they were "breakin the (women's) soccer team down" during their time at Da U.
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Ah, the wit and wisdom of Clinton Portis as a capper. Well played, lady and sir. Sorry about that ’92 Sugar Bowl against the Tide..*
*Not actually sorry.
by Vandy J on Apr 9, 2008 11:17 AM EDT reply actions
Me thinks this is a little too homerish. Not mean enough.
The nice, homerish UM blogger-written “Stuff Maize and Blue People Like” was banished to a link in lieu of the meaner, and far funnier, Orson-drafted list. Could we not do better than this for the U (I will not write da)? Or is the failure of any other blogger outside the U fam to want to write this just another testament to their dwindling national relevance?
by baconpants on Apr 9, 2008 11:22 AM EDT reply actions
Ethnic tension, references to grinding poverty, cocaine, cat meat, highly unsportsmanlike brawling on the field, and fans pouring drinks on each other…and that’s the homer take on things.
We drew up a mean list, Baconpants, and guess what: we couldn’t even make it funny. That’s how dark it was.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 9, 2008 11:26 AM EDT reply actions
To me these should only be written by hated rivals. I mean hated.
For instance,
Baylor can’t write one for Texas. A&M or OU has to. It just isn’t accurate if it ain’t biased.
by ThreenOut on Apr 9, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions
I still giggle over Miami starting that fight and getting their asses handed to them for the second time that night.
by Joshua on Apr 9, 2008 11:41 AM EDT reply actions
Joshua—
We thought that was the best brawl matchup evarrr. Note; a player was actually knocked out with a helmet swung by an LSU lineman. Conclusions: don’t fuck with a lineman swinging a helmet.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 9, 2008 11:43 AM EDT reply actions
At Georgia tech, 2005:
Guy supporting da U (wearing jersey and backward cap, natch): Your mascot is just a little bug!
My buddy: “Dude your mascot is WIND! WIND!”
by Brian on Apr 9, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions
UGA prez: Adams
UM prez: Shalala
I suppose I should be thankful.
I actually thought that last vid. was about her.
by hunglikehussain on Apr 9, 2008 11:55 AM EDT reply actions
I’m intrigued by the rum-running approach described in this post and would be curious to see further demonstrations of same.
(Not by you, Barstoolio, that would be too creepy to suggest even by the low low standards of blogging*, but a field trip may be in order.)
- Disclaimer: this guideline might be ignored in Ohio public libraries.
by DC Trojan on Apr 9, 2008 12:00 PM EDT reply actions
They breed Ken Dorsey’s in hills east of Oakland by the dozens. Too bad the U has to keep stealing the best of them from Cal.
by OaklandBear on Apr 9, 2008 12:03 PM EDT reply actions
come on now oaklandbear, you know how this works.
rb’s, wr’s, db’s & lb’s… florida.
qb’s… cali & texas.
OL… flyover states
by lt.winslow on Apr 9, 2008 12:09 PM EDT reply actions
it’s sad that bling was left out
during the 05 orange bowl, i had a lot of free time during the game to take in my surroundings and ignore the on-field butchery, and i noticed that every local miami fan not only rocked a U jersey to distinguish themselves from the trojan and sooner fans, but also rocked a large piece of bling – i think this was done to let the trojan fans know that miami representin’ what? what? east coast what? as well as letting sooner fans know that cocaine sales are much more profitable than meth sales
by okiedomer on Apr 9, 2008 12:18 PM EDT reply actions
#9:
Actually, the insurance company is still up in the air as to whether the mascot is wind or water…
by the croominator on Apr 9, 2008 12:20 PM EDT reply actions
i love love the stuff _ people like series, but this was the weakest of the bunch
by Jeff on Apr 9, 2008 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
So if I can try and make an anology:
“Bro” is used as liberally as Moogles use “Cupo” in the Final Fantasy series.*
*still single ladies
by Ryno on Apr 9, 2008 12:27 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, the stuff green and white people like from Brian was pretty funny.
by ThreenOut on Apr 9, 2008 12:29 PM EDT reply actions
Going after a The U-niversity for doing everything right! Its easy to go after a small private school of about 9,000 students that recruits local kids from the surrounding neighborhoods to play at the city owned municipal stadium.
Back off Swindle. Is it 21 years? It can’t be that long. When did the Gators last beat the small private U-niveristy that recruits local kids from surrounding neighborhoods? Run that Jewelry.
CUE: VADERS THEME
by Oranse Taylor on Apr 9, 2008 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
See, there are a couple of these that are so audacious they can only be written with bewildered affection. Miami’s one, and LSU.
by Holly on Apr 9, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions
my wife (a BYU fan and alum) could’ve written this drivel.
by dawgaddict on Apr 9, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions
Please do the Big 12 soon. Please.
And #1: On the trunk.
by El Hombre on Apr 9, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions
I hope you use this for inspirational means. It doth loosen the tongue.
http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/8400/bitchbarossagrenache200tg1.jpg
by hunglikehussain on Apr 9, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
Oranse:
That’s 23 years, to be precise: Florida has not beaten Miami since 1985. September 6th: There Will Be Blood, and we drink your milkshake.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 9, 2008 1:05 PM EDT reply actions
I think this was a miss on the jerseys. Living in Fl, I see them daily. Any U fan worth their salt has a jersey, and a chain(sometimes with fishing pendants attached) as aforementioned.
I think another miss was the rainbow Oakley visors. I know that Taylor was the biggest proponent, but I remember plenty of ’canes with them.
by Scalz1 on Apr 9, 2008 1:06 PM EDT reply actions
As someone who married into a family from south Florida I can say this is spot on. Kudos Orson
by wardamneagle78 on Apr 9, 2008 1:12 PM EDT reply actions
BUT WHERE HAVE WE BEEN PUTTING OUR MILKSHAKE?
Joke’s on you.
by The Great Barstoolio on Apr 9, 2008 1:14 PM EDT reply actions
The 23 year long streak would seem more impressive for da u if we played them every year, but I digress:
I want Stuff Red and Black People Like! Nownownownownownownownow. When, oh when, can I have?
by GatorAM on Apr 9, 2008 1:16 PM EDT reply actions
Wow. Miami desperately needs a fault line.
Michael Irving likes cocaine!
by meatybob on Apr 9, 2008 1:22 PM EDT reply actions
Arrgh, this was easily the worst of the Stuff _ People Like posts. There should be a ban on allowing fans of the team to write these, they just don’t bring the inspired bitterness and satire that fans of rivals of the team would.
by Jeff from LA on Apr 9, 2008 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
What, no grillz, rimz, substituting anything that ends in s with a z?
by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 9, 2008 1:57 PM EDT reply actions
eh… I think this post was perfectly fine and in the right vein.
It defeats the purpose to have a rival do the write-up. This exercise is all about self-mockery.
by CincySooner on Apr 9, 2008 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
You forgot Vinny Testaverde on your dorky qb list. Even if his name makes him sound like a hit man.
by Vol on Apr 9, 2008 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
this really is a great series, and i’m ready to see some big xii teams as well
orson, if you need any assistance with OU (toby keith, baby!) or ND (anal sex!), let me know
by okiedomer on Apr 9, 2008 2:20 PM EDT reply actions
Well done, Lt. and Barstoolio, but it needs more Luther Campbell.
by Signal to Noise on Apr 9, 2008 2:31 PM EDT reply actions
To me these should only be written by hated rivals. I mean hated. For instance, Baylor cant write one for Texas. A&M or OU has to. It just isnt accurate if it aint biased.
#6-
It would definitely have to be OU.
A&M wouldn’t do justice to Texas. We’re like brothers who use on those punching dummies on each other. We make fun of A&M, but we all have relatives, friends there, know graduates…it isn’t HATE like we feel for OU.
UT grads do not let their relatives or friends go to OU. We don’t mind if they go to A&M.
by blon57 on Apr 9, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
Didn’t you leave out gold chains, violently proclaiming that they’re canes and not showing up to games?
by Joey BagaDonuts on Apr 9, 2008 2:56 PM EDT reply actions
Doesn’t matter who wrote it. The question is, as always, “was it funny?” And this was fucking funny.
Great work Lt., TGB, and EDSBS staff.
by jebus on Apr 9, 2008 3:05 PM EDT reply actions
I will never ever understand how Mark Richt ever came out of a program like Miami….he may not have made it on to the field too often, but could there possibly have been a more dorky qb?
by Conan D'Amato on Apr 9, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
I was going to write a post saying that this wasn’t a particularly good one, but I realized that it’s mostly because Miami is such an outlandishly entertaining program that their whole vibe can’t really be summed up in words. It’s easy to write jorts jokes, or UMich being arrogant, or Iowa being hick, but how do you even make jokes about Miami? Uber-talented ghetto ballers in Oakleys and chains doing their thang in a schizophrenic urban melting pot of coke and strippers? Fighting on the field and chilling with Uncle Luther after? The actual reality of Miami football is so hilarious that no lists or jokes are needed.
by srv on Apr 9, 2008 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
Dammit, I need to taste the orange and green (Orange Julius and lime-aide?) milkshake once again. It’s been too long.
Fuck Brock Berlin and the U. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
And fuck anyone who ever says they’re “Repping the 305.”
by Irwin Fletcher on Apr 9, 2008 6:08 PM EDT reply actions
#41-
Actually, word on Mark Richt from the Miami days is that his nickname was Boca, and that he ran up in many a girl’s soccer team. He had not yet formed a personal relationship with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ yet.
by SmoothJimmyApollo on Apr 9, 2008 8:24 PM EDT reply actions
Well done, but I have a few problems:
1. No mention of Luther Campell? 2 live crew? Really? Unlce Luke?
2. I’ve never had rum inside the OB. Whiskey, maybe. And uh…we are the only school that sells beer in the stadium, so that might be something worth writing about. But I respect where you went with that topic. We do fight alot, on the field and in the stands.
3. I would have liked to see a rivals view of it, but I see where Orson is coming from. This really is as bad as you can get without things getting really really ugly. Im still curious though.
by NOLAcane on Apr 9, 2008 8:34 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, anxiously awaiting the Dawg segment. Must be unique. No tired sophomoric humor. Enlighten me.
BTW, the wine I recommended is quite good……
Sassy, with a hint of testosterone, compliments crow well, best served frigid.
Bring it “awn”.
Seriously, UT was my first choice. Just couldn’t afford the out-of-state tuition.
by hunglikehussain on Apr 9, 2008 8:45 PM EDT reply actions
Can’t forget how no one actually showed up to games in da OB unless FSU or UF were in town. Check this: http://web1.ncaa.org/d1mfb/2007/Internet/attendance/IA_CAPACITY.pdf
Last season Miami was 91st in average capacity at 60.27% full, one spot behind Louisiana Tech and one ahead of Middle Tennessee.
by Dave on Apr 9, 2008 9:23 PM EDT reply actions
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