NEW SLANG: MARK SANCHEZ

We present our quick roundup of new starters around then nation who are of great import. First up: Mark Sanchez, USC

School:
University of Awesome Fulfillment, a.k.a. USC

Height: 6' 3"

Weight:
225:

Body consistency:
Like fine sirloin, thank you very much. There's beef, but it's not fatty. (See Matthew Stafford as "ribeye")

Position:
QB/Inevitable ESPN The Magazine Cover Boy

Pros: Veteran-ish, having started three games with a 2-1 record last season. Decent scrambler, and fan of fine sideburns.

Good on the endless rollouts USC likes to call, and has the touch to make finesse throws to the backs in the flat and to wideouts on the ubiquitous man-on-man fades. Seems to know where the ball is going and had had no fumbles in his career. This may sound like undersell, but this is college football, and a qb who won't fumble a snap or toss the ball directly to an onrushing lineman is halfway to a starting position. Was class president of his high school, and sometimes that means you're a really, really nice guy.

Also: followed by troupe of luchadore mask-wearing fans at games, and wears Mexican flag-colored mouthpiece, making Mark Sanchez the most NAFTA-friendly quarterback in the history of USC football.

Cons: Trained by Chris Rix? Really? Who knows: Rix might be a great teacher, for all we know. Helped cough up the Oregon game last year with two bad picks, both thrown from the unrushed safety of the pocket and into coverage. On the disciplinary side, there was this, too, which was ultimately dismissed as a "one-on-one" case. The chances of Sanchez screwing up the cash pipeline that comes with being a USC qb is minimal (even Matt Cassel got a Super Bowl ring, for Xenu's sake), but if he did hypothetically misstep in that department, any and all past histories would come back to haunt him muy rapido. Was class president of his high school, something that may make him a total douchebag.

Sign:
Scorpio (November 11th) From Astrology-Online.com:

In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.

That's really, really unfortunate phrasing. We apologize. In all fairness, Pete Carroll probably doesn't care, and is jacked to be naked in Mark Sanchez's eyes.

Odor: Smells like fresh blueberries and leather blown by a fine Pacific Ocean breeze.

Favorite board game involving cards with words on them: Balderdash, and he doesn't care if you find that too NPRish.

Movie he always cries at: Tears of the Sun. The Congo's harsh, man, and Jennifer Connolly's character didn't deserve to see all of that after what she went through with her boyfriend The Hulk, not to mention Requiem for a Dream.

We apologize for the error. This movie features the incandescently hot Monica Bellucci, not the monobrowed Jennifer Connolly. Just google her. It's worth it, and you can't possibly get in trouble at work! Meaning you will, because she's been naked in like three zillion movies.

Prospects: He's the starting quarterback at USC, meaning his life, with minor downs like the occasional football injury and ultimately death, will be far cooler and more lucrative than yours, unless you were raised by a Russian madman who never let you eat sugar, in which case you are Todd Marinovich, and we're really, really sorry about that whole being Todd Marinovich thing. He's got Joe McKnight in the backfield, blue-chip blockers, and talent all over the place.

He does not appear to be a Leinart or Carson Palmer in the making, but neither did they, frankly. This year probably won't suck for him, and that's an understatement.

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