It’s a Finnish band with a Russian name wearing Kool World haircuts doing a Lynyrd Skynyrd song in English with the Red Army choir singing behind them. We don’t understand it either, but if they don’t play halftime at Bryant-Denny Stadium with this exact instrumentation and military vocal support, Alabama fans you have been cheated of something truly awesome.

(HT: To the Point, via Kanu.)

We present our quick roundup of new starters around then nation who are of great import. First up: Mark Sanchez, USC

School: University of Awesome Fulfillment, a.k.a. USC

Height: 6′ 3″

Weight: 225:

Body consistency: Like fine sirloin, thank you very much. There’s beef, but it’s not fatty. (See Matthew Stafford as “ribeye”)

Position: QB/Inevitable ESPN The Magazine Cover Boy

Pros: Veteran-ish, having started three games with a 2-1 record last season. Decent scrambler, and fan of fine sideburns.

Good on the endless rollouts USC likes to call, and has the touch to make finesse throws to the backs in the flat and to wideouts on the ubiquitous man-on-man fades. Seems to know where the ball is going and had had no fumbles in his career. This may sound like undersell, but this is college football, and a qb who won’t fumble a snap or toss the ball directly to an onrushing lineman is halfway to a starting position. Was class president of his high school, and sometimes that means you’re a really, really nice guy.

Also: followed by troupe of luchadore mask-wearing fans at games, and wears Mexican flag-colored mouthpiece, making Mark Sanchez the most NAFTA-friendly quarterback in the history of USC football.

Cons: Trained by Chris Rix? Really? Who knows: Rix might be a great teacher, for all we know. Helped cough up the Oregon game last year with two bad picks, both thrown from the unrushed safety of the pocket and into coverage. On the disciplinary side, there was this, too, which was ultimately dismissed as a “one-on-one” case. The chances of Sanchez screwing up the cash pipeline that comes with being a USC qb is minimal (even Matt Cassel got a Super Bowl ring, for Xenu’s sake), but if he did hypothetically misstep in that department, any and all past histories would come back to haunt him muy rapido. Was class president of his high school, something that may make him a total douchebag.

Sign: Scorpio (November 11th) From Astrology-Online.com:

In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.

That’s really, really unfortunate phrasing. We apologize. In all fairness, Pete Carroll probably doesn’t care, and is jacked to be naked in Mark Sanchez’s eyes.

Odor: Smells like fresh blueberries and leather blown by a fine Pacific Ocean breeze.

Favorite board game involving cards with words on them: Balderdash, and he doesn’t care if you find that too NPRish.

Movie he always cries at: Tears of the Sun. The Congo’s harsh, man, and Jennifer Connolly’s character didn’t deserve to see all of that after what she went through with her boyfriend The Hulk, not to mention Requiem for a Dream.

We apologize for the error. This movie features the incandescently hot Monica Bellucci, not the monobrowed Jennifer Connolly. Just google her. It’s worth it, and you can’t possibly get in trouble at work! Meaning you will, because she’s been naked in like three zillion movies.

Prospects: He’s the starting quarterback at USC, meaning his life, with minor downs like the occasional football injury and ultimately death, will be far cooler and more lucrative than yours, unless you were raised by a Russian madman who never let you eat sugar, in which case you are Todd Marinovich, and we’re really, really sorry about that whole being Todd Marinovich thing. He’s got Joe McKnight in the backfield, blue-chip blockers, and talent all over the place.

He does not appear to be a Leinart or Carson Palmer in the making, but neither did they, frankly. This year probably won’t suck for him, and that’s an understatement.

We’d like to ask our readers: do you know anyone who lives in Beijing? And would be willing to have a writer/blogger type pay a fair price to crash on a couch, bed, heated kang, hammock, or square of filthy floor? And in do not tell me that “yeah, everyone I know is leaving town and getting out and you’re right bullfucked when it comes to accommodations,” because this is not helpful, and then we’ll just have to tell you to go fuck to adjust the area.

China: rocking you like a hurricane since a billion years B.C. You’re welcome for the kites and gunpowder, btw.

More fine Chinglish at the Chinglish pool. (Via Bethei.)

This veil of reality, it is but a mist few may see through, a trifling rush of wind through the bamboo. The hurry-up offense is but a trick of the mind, merely a normal offense seen through the prejudice of your paltry perceptions of time. The freshman All-American guard you see? He was a fullback all along, and you just did not see it, so preoccupied were you with the chaos of the moment.

I lift not the weight; instead, it lifts me.

And that lonely vandal who defaced the multipurpose bubble…just a blind spirit who didn’t get good parenting, man.

Hawkins confirmed the school’s new multi-purpose bubble was vandalized recently. A Buffs banner once hung on the east side of the bubble but someone recently scaled the bubble, swiped the banner and left several words in spray paint that has been washed off. “It was some kid that got cheated on love and disciplined by his parents,” Hawkins said. “I can guarantee you that.”

He feels for him, and forgives him. Such is the way of the master.

Continuing in our theft of the Stuff _____ People Like, ripped off shamelessly from SWPL, consider the latest installment: Stuff Orange and Green People Like, a look at the sophisticated cultural palate of Miami Hurricanes’ fans. Assisting with the exotic installment are Lieutenant Winslow and The Great Barstoolio, and by assisting, we mean writing pretty much the whole thing save the HTML code.

Read prior installments here, here, here, and here. Enjoy, and remember: we encourage you to visit the city of Miami, a quirky, thriving, and dangerously sexy city with the proud motto “Miami! Come back, we weren’t shooting at you.”

Arrepas and BBQ

Arrepas and BBQ rodent chicken pork cat on a stick. Some say that the chupacabra is fictional. Some say the chupacabra is alive and well and living in Little Havana. Some say that there is a rational explanation for the alarming lack of homeless cats in the neighborhood surrounding the OB. Regardless of your personal beliefs, there is only so much beer and swellteringly oppressive heat that a person can endure before they stop asking questions and fork over their 5 bucks.

Si! Es la chupacabra! Y tiene tacos! Cinco dolares, ahora cabron!

Flair. You may wonder where the flair comes from. They grow it locally, of course. Do your Pop Warner football games have a D.J.’d intro? No, they don’t, and that’s why you suck.

“Twennee Dolla No Blockeeen”

Orange and Green people LOOOOOVE negotiating the cost of parking with the balsero, rafter “cuban-american” whose lawn they are renting a parking spot. (more…)