CYBERTYDE: THERE WILL BE CAKE
by Orson on Apr 8, 2008 1:12 PM EDT
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PrintScene: The Alabama Crimson Tide offices. Some of the coaches' names have been anonymized to protect the innocent. And yes, it's weeeeeeeeeird.
Coach1: I, just don't see how we're gonna get all of our players on scholarship, Nick.
Coach Nick Saban: I have a way of doing this. It's all part of the system.
Coach2: But, coach, I mean, we still have to get six scholarships from somewhere, I mean...
CNS: SILENCE!!!
A deathly quiet falls over the room.
Coach2: Hey, coach? Is that...an earpiece?
CNS: It's my new HEARING AID!!! OWWWWW!!!!
He writhes in pain, contorting his shoulder. The other coaches stare in horror until he regains his composure and calmly removes the wrapper from an Oatmeal Pie.
CNS: Now, first, let me remind you that that is a shoddy, libelous piece of analysis, at least as far as I'm concerned.
Second, we have a system for these situations. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with a fifth year senior who has produced little off our bench the past few years. You are dismissed.
The coaches, baffled step out of the office. In steps [ANONYMOUS], a fifth-year senior who has seen no significant playing time, and has applied for another year of eligibility.
CNS: Sit down, son.
Anonymous: Thanks, coach.
CNS: So...you're really going to apply for another year? You're that...um...committed?
Anonymous: Yes, coach. That's me. I'm here for good.
CNS: (laughs) Yes, yes, you will be.
Anonymous: Pardon me, coach?
CNS: Oh, I mean you will be. For the rest of your life you'll be Crimson true. (He smiles in a broad, innocent way.)
Anonymous: Oh, yeah. Most definitely.
CNS: Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Hey, I know the training table guys have you on a pretty strict diet, but do you like...cake?
Anonymous: Oh, yeah, coach. I love cake.
CNS: That's good news. Here, I'll show you something I've never shown to any of the other seniors. It's our special social room. There's cake in there for you. Watch!
(He presses a panel in the wall, and a dimly lit ramp in a concrete corridor appears to go down from the office.)
Anonymous: For me? Really?
CNS: Well, you and a few others. You'll see. Your buddies are all down there waiting for you. Go see!
Anonymous: Hey, what's that written on the wall...
CNS: Oh, that?
CNS: Nothing. Here, right trigger's orange, left trigger's blue. You'll be fine. And don't forget: there's cake down there!
Anonymous: Hey---SLAM!
The door shuts behind him. Nick Saban smiles, and puts his finger to his ear.
CNS: Did I please you, master?
A great mechanical disturbance comes from the floor; the boards slide back, and the full mainframe of Cybertyde, the disembodied collective unconscious of Alabama football arises atop its mammoth Cray Processor.
CT: YOU DONE RAIGHT SON. WINNAHS DO WHAT IT TAKES.
CNS: I know, I know. I feel a little bad for him down there, though.
CT: HE WILL HAVE CAKE.
CNS: You and I know that's a lie. He's going to throw into a furnace at level 19, Master.
CT: ARE YOU SASSIN' ME? AH AM RUNNIN' THIS PROGRAAHM THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE RUN!
CNS: And I do your infinitely wise bidding. I know, I know.
CT: VERY GOOD, FLESHLING.
CNS: Just like Mike Dubose and Dennis Franchione did...
CT: WHAT? DO YOU QUESTION CYBERTYDE'S JUDGMENT? ONLY FLESH FAILS, NEVER THE MACHINE---
CNS: AAIAIIIIIIGGHGHHH!!!!
Saban wriggles in the fetal position with pain. Cybertyde's red electrodes glow with a magnificent, evil light as the pain chip implanted in Saban's skull shortly after hiring pulses with electricity.
CNS: (Breathing hard.) ...nevermind. I mean, "yes, master."
CT: WELL SAID. NOW GET MAH A BOURBON AND UH PACKA CHESTAHFIELDS!
CNS: Yes, master....
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You’re giving him a lot of credit to say he’s smart enough to make it to level 19, but other than that – brilliant.
by ehrenb2 on Apr 8, 2008 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
And the nominee’s for satire in a contemporary work are…….
by hunglikehussain on Apr 8, 2008 1:22 PM EDT reply actions
witty pieces from orson- 1
witty comebacks from Tide fan- 0
by TideDruid on Apr 8, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
As long as it results in a really neat gun for the people who are still alive, I can’t disapprove of their methods.
by TLH Gator on Apr 8, 2008 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
Still, I should point out that this “issue” is taking care of itself with the players taking medical hardships (joints constantly popping out, bad knees, etc) who would’ve taken hardships even if we didn’t sign over 25. Add those 3 or 4 with a guy being kicked off for a mugging (not planned, but a person that needed to be let go), and we should be fine.
But, I can’t blame Orson for posting this. Heck, anytime you get to post about cake and Portal, you’re ok in my book.
Oh, and CyberTyde kicks ass.
by TideDruid on Apr 8, 2008 1:50 PM EDT reply actions
How wrong is it that I found myself nodding and thinking, they’re just 5th year seniors, they’re going to a better place?
Worse, I thought for one second, I could live with it for another National Championship…I mean anonymous 5th year Senior guy wasn’t going to play anyway, what does he have to live for?
I
by Bama on Apr 8, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions
Hehe.
Monoliths are fun.
Have you called your Cybertide momma today?
by Kenny on Apr 8, 2008 2:03 PM EDT reply actions
It’s all ok… see, CyberTyde was moved off of the 1982 CRAY machine and onto a PowerMac over the summer… so he’s ok now… No more of that “I’m sorry Nick, I’m afraid I can’t do that…” stuff.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Apr 8, 2008 2:14 PM EDT reply actions
well, you have to admit, it’s certainly more dignified than the old indonesian ferryman treatment.
by kleph on Apr 8, 2008 2:20 PM EDT reply actions
Reporter: “Coach, how is your family enjoying Tuscaloosa?”
CNS: “I ain’t gonna discuss nothing relative to my relatives, aight!!?”
by kt on Apr 8, 2008 2:26 PM EDT reply actions
For good measure, Saban kicked Ray Ray McElrathbey off the team too.
by EZ on Apr 8, 2008 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
CyberTyde may have been born self-aware (>SkyNet), but I’m sorry the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything cannot be 12.
by Out of Conference on Apr 8, 2008 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
#15
Some would even call it a triumph.
/slaps self for making a Portal pun
by weagle251 on Apr 8, 2008 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
Oh it has been recorded! gainsville and aubarn and viles everywhere beware! BAhwhahahahahahahaaaa!
I find your lack of faith…disturbing!…Darth Vader!
by cybrtyde on Apr 8, 2008 3:30 PM EDT reply actions
Funny, for all thier bombast I find Bama fans lack of self awareness disturbing, especially whne you look at their team’s record against the likes of LA Monroe and Auburn at Bryant-Denny (0 – and how many?). Maybe the fact that the school mascot is an elephant prevents them from seeing it in the middle of the room…..
77 is coming. 7 straight Iron Bowl wins by Auburn and 7 straight wins by Auburn IN YOUR OWN STADIUM.
War Eagle. You read it here first.
Sullivan013
by Sullivan on Apr 8, 2008 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
Sullivan013,
Way to be the guy who ruins a good time. Dick.
by CapstoneAlum on Apr 8, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions
25-
Please don’t compare Auburn to LaMo in your attempt to discredit bama.
Thanks.
The Cake
by d761 on Apr 8, 2008 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
Great piece, it’s hard for me to overstate my satisfaction!
by AgnosticTheocrat on Apr 8, 2008 4:31 PM EDT reply actions
Sullivan-
I hate to be a stickler, but I’m quite certain I didn’t read that here first.
by Tater Salad on Apr 8, 2008 5:06 PM EDT reply actions
Fuck that shit Sullivan. I broke the curse last year at a New Years party. I took my friends 80 dollar coat that he had laying on the ground and blew that shit to hell with a big ass motherfucking fire cracker. His coat was orange. That shit is black now. Charred. The curse is lifted and you bad juju is no longer near us. As for his coat……it’s all good. He understood because he is the guitarist in my band, “Salt and Batteries”(it’s a play on words) which is a bad ass band whose members have sex with some peoples moms and other rock shit, dig? He can buy another one that isn’t such a shitty color. Also, I set a German kids hair on fire….but that was kinda for fun, not for sacrifice. Anyhow, it’s been all uphill from there. Bowl win, recruiting class, duck calls, i’ve gotten my dick wet several times, ALL SINCE THIS JANUARY WHEN I BROKE THE CURSE! 2008 is gonna be a bad ass year….and all Bama fans can thank me…..and cybertyde for giving me the orders to incinerate that motherfucking coat, B.
by SpookyJuice on Apr 8, 2008 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
“ive gotten my dick wet several times”
Congrats on the shower, but most people take them every day, and not just in January.
by MiseanAUFan on Apr 8, 2008 7:15 PM EDT reply actions
I wonder if Orson just puts up these Bama or Auburn threads to see which side will start to flame away like a 13 year old boy in gym class.
Congrats to Sullivan and AU fans alike on today’s victory in the flame-a-thon
by TideDruid on Apr 8, 2008 7:23 PM EDT reply actions
“Congrats on the shower, but most people take them every day, and not just in January”
Yes, true….but should you ever wander out of Opelika, you will realize that there are actual inside structures to take said showers….so it can be done in January and other winter months.
by SpookyJuice on Apr 8, 2008 7:48 PM EDT reply actions
“since when is 80 dollars a lot for a coat?”
didn’t say it was a lot. I just said I blew it up
by SpookyJuice on Apr 8, 2008 7:50 PM EDT reply actions
I could save a lot of money on cable bills just by moving to Alabama.
Seriously, the writers from Burbank could not make this shit up.
I could just park myself on the county square of numerous small Alabama towns and laugh my ass off. And never worry about being committed . As Lewis Grizzard (paraphrased) said, “In the south we don’t send our crazy people to a san-a-torium, hell no, we display them for the whole world to see.”
by hunglikehussain on Apr 8, 2008 8:10 PM EDT reply actions
- is on to something. A 1980s Lite Brite might be in charge of the Bama AD. It would explain the Dubose/Fran/Price/Shula/Saban series – each individual less imposing as a man than the previous, with decreasing height, waist circumference, and time for this shit.
by NewAZTiger on Apr 8, 2008 9:50 PM EDT reply actions
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