You got fourteen days of practice-THIS IS A FUCKING WARMUP. You’ve all got shots to become heroes. Might be a little fear here might be a little scared but I need you to work your fucking asses off. We at EDSBS want you to know we love every one of you. What is this, fucking “Dancing With the Stars?!?!” DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!
Prone. PRONE!!! I don’t have a whistle, I just say whistle. Ball. Come on: Ball! stick-OUT! (From USCRipsIt, which does a little more each day to explain why USC gets every single recruit they so much as blink at.)
NOTE! BRENNAN WANTS YOU TO LISTEN TO EDSBS LIVE! Right here! With Kyle King, who’s gonna tell us why the Dawgs are gonna lose to USC in the title game! We love you all! At 9:00 EST here!
DOUBLE NOTE! Might want to check out Brennan’s Wikipedia page. A screencap follows, because you know they’re going to axe it in a matter of minutes after this.
Corwin Brown, Notre Dame defensive coordinator, is doing what every defensive coordinator who doesn’t have the perfect lineup this spring is doing: tinkering, moving pieces around like an interior decorator swings furniture around, waiting for that perfect Ping! arrangment that just screams “sophisticated neocolonial style!” Wait. We meant, “Skull-slamming defensive rotation.” (It’s so easy to get the two confused, sometimes.)
Brown has one guy he’s particularly fond of, and hopes to stay fond of safety Harrison Smith, who unlike previous safety Tom Zbikowski and several coal towns in West Virginia, is not currently on fire. And unlike all those other asshole players he’s coached, Corwin Brown hopes he won’t defecate in his food. Again!
“He’s a hard-working [player], he’s smart, he’s tough. I don’t want to say too many good things about him, though, because he’ll probably poop in my lunch bucket.”
Threat, dare, or invitation? Corwin Brown, after a Notre Dame loss this year, will walk sad laps in short pants and a prep school tie and jacket with a reeking lunchpail, tears welling down his face. Mom! They did it again! For Notre Dame players, this could evolve into a powerful motivational technique for the player on the defense demonstrating the least effort in a game: the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.
Chunky is the disappointment of bearing the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.
Witnesses driving on the West Shore Bypass, or Route 422, saw the driver of the minivan climb out the driver’s side window and onto the roof. The vehicle swerved and crashed into a concrete median.
The impact sent the vehicle back across the westbound lanes, and the man was thrown down a wooded embankment. Witnesses told police they thought the victim had been killed.
“They were shocked when he got back onto the road,” Brown said, adding that the man had a foot-long gash in one side and his internal organs were exposed.
Did we mention the victim was naked? Anyone seen JoePa in the last two hours or so? (HT: TCOAN.)
He writhes in pain, contorting his shoulder. The other coaches stare in horror until he regains his composure and calmly removes the wrapper from an Oatmeal Pie.
LSU visited the White House yesterday, something you get to do when you win the BCS title, and Les Miles didn’t even wear a hat. And boy-o, was the President ready for that one. Hear that can opener? Because your meal’s coming, sportswriters:
“This is coach Les Miles’ first time celebrating here at the White House,” Bush said. “And a lot of folks are going to remember it because it’s the first time he’s being seen in public without a hat on.”
Bad intel again, dude, but it’s 2008 and we’re so past caring. Something positive did come of the whole circus, though: Ryan Perrilloux, terrorist hunter, did attend the ceremonies, and in fact caught Osama Bin Laden sneaking up to give George a thorough goosing.
Mr. President! The Sixty Million Dollar man knows an Osama when he sees him! Pic by LSUFreek, of course.
The other important quote comes from Glenn Dorsey, who reveals that the fog of war surrounding this president may be one created by poorly digested complex starches.
“You stand beside him and tears just come to your eyes,” Dorsey said after the event.
Gassy, but determined: much like Les Miles. No wonder the two men struck it off. And hey, the team didn’t even have to stay in moldy FEMA trailers, which was nice of the Prez and all.
This knife? Um, it’s for the bread. Penn State wide receiver Chris Bell pulled an 8-inch knife on a teammate in the cafeteria at Penn State yesterday, and it was just as much fun as you’d imagine any other event involving a pulled knife in a public place.
Zach Slaybaugh (senior-psychology) said he was working at the Pollock Commons desk when a person he referred to as a Penn State football player ran down from the team’s dining room to the desk and said, “We got a guy with a knife who won’t calm down.”
You know what that means: daaaaaaaaaaance par-tay!
Or a dismissal from the team and charges of terroristic threats, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, disorderly conduct and harassment. Or both, man. We’re not gonna box you in like that, and this will get its own Fulmer Cup entry in a bit. But Christ with a knife, this is a phenomenal story, and not good for the whole question of whether Paterno’s really in charge or not. (Fair? No. Will it make him look doddering and surrounded by wild boys with knives? Yes, kind of like a Mugabe on Route 322.)
Run Up The Score summarizes nicely:
Of course, that “Option #1? scenario implied that Bell would have pulled his head from his ass at any point in the next 12-18 months. Not only did he love running lazy or incorrect (sometimes both!) routes, he truly excelled in being an asshole in all facets of life.
PUrrrrrrr. That deep rumbling sound you hear is the deep, soulful satisfaction one can only get when you say the words “we will be running the option” to a Nebraska fan. Because according to Bo Pelini, “the option will be part of the offense,” though to what extent is unclear. Whatever: it’s rubbin’ time in Nebraska. Work is cancelled, and the lovin’ shall commence immediately with a forecast of fierce penetration and excellent pitching all over the field.
Neither Cock is obviously preferable. QBs Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher would probably be rotating, according to Steve Spurrier after the Gamecocks’ second scrimmage of the year, thus proving that Steve Spurrier is still attempting to work the magic of a trend of one from a single game in 1997. The trend of one! Get on the bandwagon now, hipsters.
Would I talk to Phil? Let me call Phil and ask him what I should say. At Oregon, Phil Knight runs this shit, and you know it, AD Pat Kilkenny. Points for honesty on television mean he at least has a relatively low bullshit content, and that is to be commended, even if he is tied up eight ways to Sunday with the board of trustees, boosters, and with Knight himself.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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