Our tour of the luxurious West coast football scene. Read it if you want, no pressure, man. Livin’ and let live, here.

Rick Neuheisel got his first practice as a college coach since his fiery departure tenure at Washington, and he cracked out the new math to summarize just how discombobulated and raw the Bruins looked on day one:

UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel saw “eight million thousand mistakes” during the Bruins’ first spring practice Thursday, but he said that did not matter.

We don’t know if this is really possible for any group of human beings can make this many mistakes without working in a few different dimensions all at once, but in addition to being a lawyer, perhaps Neuheisel can see in the fifth and sixth planes of reality, too.

And now: ukelele interlude, UCLA-style.

Jake Locker has new threats? As if he wasn’t threatened enough by blitzing linebackers and safeties? Wait, wait: “Locker has new deep threats.” Okay. Apologies, we misread that. Futures markets on Locker missing a start now running at 9:1 against, as determined by an influential member of the EDSBS household. (Us.)

USC’s qb battle changed little: Mark Sanchez and his Mexican luchadore horde of fans rejoice as he leads them to three TDs against the first-team defense while Mitch Mustain and his weak gringo arm struggled until the backups went in and tossed bank against the backups.

Cal, in an abominable California geological pun, looks “shaky?” HA-ha. Fault lines.

Our quarterback is abundantly good/our DBs can’t cover daylight who knows? Willie Tuitama fires off 35, 39, 50, 60 and 70 yard scoring passes against the Arizona secondary. Woo-yay: Willie’s gunning like a seasoned, senior-type qb huzzah! Skeptical, wang-limpening reality; perhaps Arizona’s dbs are woeful in pass coverage for everyone, including Willie and the modified Texas Tech-style Wildcat attack.

Rudy Carpenter’s kryptonite against the GOOD GRACIOUS GOLLUM 54 sacks he took last year: screens, baby, and a new funky snap count. Unfortunately, a new funky snap count means false-start penalties that bog down a scrimmage.

My, those are deep Beavers. Except if we’re talking about the offensive line, and even then it’s not terrible, really. How about: merely terribly inexperienced. Yes, that’s much better.