LEFT COAST CIRCUIT: RICK NEUHEISEL IS MAKING UP MATH WORDS

by Orson on Apr 7, 2008 3:59 PM EDT

Our tour of the luxurious West coast football scene. Read it if you want, no pressure, man. Livin' and let live, here.

Rick Neuheisel got his first practice as a college coach since his fiery departure tenure at Washington, and he cracked out the new math to summarize just how discombobulated and raw the Bruins looked on day one:

UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel saw "eight million thousand mistakes" during the Bruins' first spring practice Thursday, but he said that did not matter.

We don't know if this is really possible for any group of human beings can make this many mistakes without working in a few different dimensions all at once, but in addition to being a lawyer, perhaps Neuheisel can see in the fifth and sixth planes of reality, too.

And now: ukelele interlude, UCLA-style.

Jake Locker has new threats? As if he wasn't threatened enough by blitzing linebackers and safeties? Wait, wait: "Locker has new deep threats." Okay. Apologies, we misread that. Futures markets on Locker missing a start now running at 9:1 against, as determined by an influential member of the EDSBS household. (Us.)

USC's qb battle changed little: Mark Sanchez and his Mexican luchadore horde of fans rejoice as he leads them to three TDs against the first-team defense while Mitch Mustain and his weak gringo arm struggled until the backups went in and tossed bank against the backups.

Cal, in an abominable California geological pun, looks "shaky?" HA-ha. Fault lines.

Our quarterback is abundantly good/our DBs can't cover daylight who knows? Willie Tuitama fires off 35, 39, 50, 60 and 70 yard scoring passes against the Arizona secondary. Woo-yay: Willie's gunning like a seasoned, senior-type qb huzzah! Skeptical, wang-limpening reality; perhaps Arizona's dbs are woeful in pass coverage for everyone, including Willie and the modified Texas Tech-style Wildcat attack.

Rudy Carpenter's kryptonite against the GOOD GRACIOUS GOLLUM 54 sacks he took last year: screens, baby, and a new funky snap count. Unfortunately, a new funky snap count means false-start penalties that bog down a scrimmage.

My, those are deep Beavers. Except if we're talking about the offensive line, and even then it's not terrible, really. How about: merely terribly inexperienced. Yes, that's much better.

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I need to use 8 million thousand in my next meeting.

by Out of Conference on Apr 7, 2008 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

It’s quite simple really, some use increments of dozens, others use hundreds, my man Rick chooses to use thousands. So, what he is really saying is that they made 8.0E+9 mistakes. That’s alot. I imagine practice was painfully slow.

That’s just how he rolls! All scientific and shit!

by skinnyphatman on Apr 7, 2008 4:38 PM EDT reply actions

Corn Nation has a link to a QB in San Diego who is posting his offer letters on a website:

http://www.qbforce.com/tate/offers/Offers.htm

Interesting to see the various letterheads and conditions from each university.

by Pirate_mate on Apr 7, 2008 4:46 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve never heard someone play a fight song in the style of a dirge on a ukulele before. The poor man looked like he was about to weep in to his spam and sticky rice by the time he was finished.

by DC Trojan on Apr 7, 2008 4:47 PM EDT reply actions

#3: That’s pretty interesting. LSU must not update its stationary very often, because in the left column detailing all its championships and bowls it’s missing the 2007 championship. I would think that’s something they’d have added a month after winning the game (letter is dated Feb.5, 2008).

by Year2-Dave on Apr 7, 2008 5:23 PM EDT reply actions

“HA-ha. Fault lines.”

nice phil ken sebben reference.

by fife in the bay on Apr 7, 2008 5:34 PM EDT reply actions

You tell Rudy Carpenter that Rennie Curran is gonna eat his family.

by Doug on Apr 7, 2008 6:27 PM EDT reply actions

Our tour of the luxurious West coast football scene. Read it if you want, no pressure, man. Livin and let live, here.

{puff}
{puff}
{inhale}
{pause}
{pause}
{pause}
{pause}

“Duuuude, why do you take college football so seriously?”

“I’m going surfing, bro. Later.”

by Kanu on Apr 7, 2008 6:36 PM EDT reply actions

Man, gotta love the homeriffically craptastic tuscum media. Yes, your barely above average QB threw for a million yards…AGAINST YOUR OWN TEAM!!! This doesn’t worry you even in the slightest? What a bunch of morons…and the writers are pretty dumb, too.

by Beatuofa on Apr 7, 2008 10:36 PM EDT reply actions

Our quarterback is abundantly good/our DBs cant cover daylight who knows?

Yeah, Arizona has about one returning starter on defense, and it isn’t Antoine Cason. Methinks it’s the latter.

by Big Jon on Apr 7, 2008 10:46 PM EDT reply actions

Is he playing at a funeral? Cheer the hell up ukulele man!

by BurritoBrosShits on Apr 7, 2008 10:50 PM EDT reply actions

That Auburn letterhead is a formidable sight…it singes the eyeballs.

All the Best,

Ron Burgundy

by Because They Can on Apr 8, 2008 8:02 AM EDT reply actions

Hey Doug, I was thinking the exact same thing. Texas ate their OL alive in the Holiday Bowl (after Rudy took every opportunity to tell the Horns how he felt about them leading up to the game). Since they lost some seniors off their OL from last year… well… yeah.

Rene Curran is going to eat his family. Quickly.

by UgasTexan on Apr 8, 2008 11:12 AM EDT reply actions

O., Neuheisel’s mathematical description is entirely plausible in a multi-dimensional practice format…but since we mere footbaw fans are only consciously aware of three dimensions and time we cannot fathom the quantity of mistakes actually made…so unless you are already hangin’ a Neuheisel and diggin’ that multi-dimensional, etheric, new age action then “three dimensions and a cloud o’ time is where you at…”

The above was only written after I cleaned espresso off the keyboard as a result of simply reading “deep beavers”…just can’t think why that tickled me so.

by sb on Apr 8, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions