Bama fan: Good to see Coach Nick Saban’s doing all the right things, up to and including making sure the place is safe from blunderbuss-wielding Auburn grads marauding the place on their battle cattle. Troglodytes.
Auburn fan: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Takes deep breath.) aaahhBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA….
Rinse, repeat, and shake until the metal ones turn us into livestock class of the 25th century.
Our tour of the luxurious West coast football scene. Read it if you want, no pressure, man. Livin’ and let live, here.
Rick Neuheisel got his first practice as a college coach since his fiery departure tenure at Washington, and he cracked out the new math to summarize just how discombobulated and raw the Bruins looked on day one:
UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel saw “eight million thousand mistakes” during the Bruins’ first spring practice Thursday, but he said that did not matter.
We don’t know if this is really possible for any group of human beings can make this many mistakes without working in a few different dimensions all at once, but in addition to being a lawyer, perhaps Neuheisel can see in the fifth and sixth planes of reality, too.
And now: ukelele interlude, UCLA-style.
Jake Locker has new threats? As if he wasn’t threatened enough by blitzing linebackers and safeties? Wait, wait: “Locker has new deep threats.” Okay. Apologies, we misread that. Futures markets on Locker missing a start now running at 9:1 against, as determined by an influential member of the EDSBS household. (Us.)
USC’s qb battle changed little: Mark Sanchez and his Mexican luchadore horde of fans rejoice as he leads them to three TDs against the first-team defense while Mitch Mustain and his weak gringo arm struggled until the backups went in and tossed bank against the backups.
Cal, in an abominable California geological pun, looks “shaky?” HA-ha. Fault lines.
Our quarterback is abundantly good/our DBs can’t cover daylight who knows? Willie Tuitama fires off 35, 39, 50, 60 and 70 yard scoring passes against the Arizona secondary. Woo-yay: Willie’s gunning like a seasoned, senior-type qb huzzah! Skeptical, wang-limpening reality; perhaps Arizona’s dbs are woeful in pass coverage for everyone, including Willie and the modified Texas Tech-style Wildcat attack.
Rudy Carpenter’s kryptonite against the GOOD GRACIOUS GOLLUM 54 sacks he took last year: screens, baby, and a new funky snap count. Unfortunately, a new funky snap count means false-start penalties that bog down a scrimmage.
My, those are deep Beavers. Except if we’re talking about the offensive line, and even then it’s not terrible, really. How about: merely terribly inexperienced. Yes, that’s much better.
A. Go, Gators!
B. I will proudly stone the next woman who dares to learn to read!
C. Both
Hey, look! Even militant supporters of the radical Shi’ite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr love…um…orange and blue? Welcome? To the family, guys? If they don’t get their autographed Tim Tebow Heisman jerseys stat, they’re gonna make trouble like you’ve never seen. In the meantime, though, consider making substantial donations to the UAA’s fundraiser this year. Just do it in cash through a third party, mind you, lest we get the Gator athletic department put on the terrorist watch list.
In related news, Pete Carroll has allied himself and USC with Kurdistan, and says he’s “jacked” about a three-star but undervalued kicker who he’s recruiting up in Erbil.
Arizona freshman walk-on Josh Lewis gets his SMRT on by getting caught on camera fondling very drunk women against their will. (Probably NSFW.) Or at the least, fondling them when they were in no condition to say yes, no, or assert basic facts about their physical well-being or lack thereof. (Hint: if you’re doing to do something on camera, ask yourself: is there any chance this could end up on thedirty.com? Answering yes? Then do not do it. Ever.)
Lewis has been suspended indefinitely by Mike Stoops. In the meantime, EDSBS has obtained more footage of the girl and Lewis.
The pig is Lewis, see? Post-feminist curveball, comin’ atcha!
The big board returns this week, courtesy of Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. We think we’re up to speed on Virginia’s suddenly impressive point total. Arguments, half-assed justifications, and more lousy accounting follow.
Virginia stands Cavalier strong at twelve after some review of the accounting following the arrest of J’Courtney Williams for credit card theft last week. Add in Mike Brown’s spectacular work with grand larceny, and we have ourselves an academically prestigious contender with outlaw tendencies. Al Groh commented on the situation by saying “meh.” One question: we have this nagging feeling we owe them points, which if true we’re sure someone will be happy to point out for us.
West Virginia stays in the hunt, hanging in there and looking like a real contender to unseat Missouri’s impressive lead. Also rising with a bullet (hahahahah!) is Mississippi State, who had two players booted last week after you know an ho-hum la-di-dah GUNFIGHT on campus with a non-student. Colorado has also had the consistent snap and pop of a team capable of nickel and diming its way into things, as well, though if Missouri pulls another score they’re looking like the definitive front-runner.
Where’s our Obama to unseat them going into the month of graduation parties and the end of spring practice? You might think you can’t get caught for underage drinking, and you might be reneging on that lifelong ambition to steal a car in a stoned haze with a pocket full of ripe bud, but we tell you collegiate America: Yes you can! Yes you can!
Yes, LSU is traveling to the White House (with that lovable rake Ryan Perrilloux and his posse of “dancers”) to meet our President, George W. Bush. Dick Cheney plans to be there in spirit, communicating with them via closed-circuit television from an undisclosed location while wearing a costume mustache, tophat, and while petting a hairless pet badger loyal to him and only him.
Presidents and coaches have been meeting for a long time, now, making the post-championship visit yet another kitschy tick on the President’s endless list of meaningless photo ops. Urban Meyer and Florida went there last year, and enjoyed a savory waterboarding as a team-building exercise (”It tickles!”, said safety Reggie Nelson!). Actually, Florida went there during the Clinton White House, too, visiting for their 1996 National title, a visit marked by Clinton’s speech suggesting that the Fun ‘n Gun was as revolutionary as the wishbone, and by the President’s savage molestation of an unnamed reserve defensive back in the Lincoln Bedroom.
LSUFreek was moved to dig through the archives and find a few of the finer moments from coach/presidential summits. Enjoy.
Ronald Reagan, seen congratulating Jimmy Someone on winning the National Trees. Pill lady? (more…)
LSU held their spring game, and the stat sheet just reads“Richard Murphy, EXCALIBUR!.” 145 yards on 11 carries, a 53 yard swing pass for a TD, and most importantly, no incidents of flamboyant behavior in strip clubs or tossing ethnic slurs at Arab-Americans in doing it.
Richard Murphy: #1,453 in LSU’s list of astonishingly talented running backs since 1995.
Can he throw passes? Seriously, in Crowton’s system they just throw it about four yards down the field at a time anyway on everything but play-action. This could eliminate at least one huge potential problem for LSU this season. It was all two-tight, I-form vanilla for the most part, but that’s your spring diet for you. Bland but nutritious, and it better be–it’s all you have for five months.
Georgia gets their buys, sells, and holdsfrom Carter Strickland, and if you like horrifying running backs with Nightcrawler moves, stay nice: UGA has another one besides Knowshon Moreno, Caleb King, on the way. And the news gets worse: thanks to last year’s Cocktail Party, they have the healing powers of Gator blood!. They’ve got vials of the stuff, or at least they should.
We recommend Soulja Boy. We remember reading how Singapore began teaching classes on “creativity” a few years ago, an odd concept for a city-state anal-retentive enough to have a chewing-gum ban everywhere at all times. This reminded us of that exact moment:
He stopped a drill after a big defensive play because the players didn’t celebrate fast enough. This is a contrast to previous years, when the Irish seemed unemotional on the field. And with emotion comes confidence.
Festivity! Let’s see some festivity here! See, you might wanna chest bump someone like this, or perhaps point to the crowd. Consider flexing your arms while crossing them elbows-first in an ‘x’, or borrowing another gesture from a contemporary rap song. And you must do it within 1.4 seconds of the play. EXACTLY 1.4 SECONDS. See, that’s how to be spontaneously exuberant, people! On three…(WHISTLE!)
Lessons in Creativity, Part two. The Wildhawg formation–already a dreadfully dull name–is reborn as the…wait for it, wait for it…“Wild Rebel” formation. We can think of a thousand more interesting Mississippi-themed names for the formation:
–The Vardaman!
–The Lowest Per Capita Income in the United States-bone
–The “Yes They Deserved to Die, and I Hope They Burn in Hell!” ‘n Gun, sponsored by John Grisham.
Because you needed slapping down, here’s you’re inspirational J.R. Ewing moment for the day. Remember, J.R. runs this shit, and you’ll be swept out with the trash in the morning when he’s done with you.
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About us
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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