Freshman abuse at USC! Pete Carroll won’t tolerate it.

That’s all a prank on senior defensive end Everson Griffen, who “physically abused” freshman Matt Meyer on the practice tape shown in the clip. Matt Meyer, All-American offensive lineman 2010. Book it. Get dogged like that in front of the team, and he’ll either be lifting weights till his eyebrows bulge, or he’ll be off the team, getting a music degree and doing yoga just to stay limber, man.

Ryan Perriloux, terrorist hunter, is to be honored along with the rest of the LSU Tigers when they visit the White House in honor of their BCS title game. President Bush will…there’s not even a joke here we can make. In lieu of rational thought, we will just say that we hope RP takes offense to something, sets fire to a set of drapes, and is then appointed Czar of the War on Terrorism, a war he will prosecute by harassing every Arab-American waitron and barkeep in America.

And now, a picture of Al Davis shaking hands with Darth Vader.

You don’t dump Fresno State without feeling the burn, dude. Fresno State quarterback Tom Brandstadter thinks you’re skurred, Ron Prince, after dumping Fresno State from K-State’s schedule for 2008.

“They’re probably tired of getting whooped by us,” said Brandstater, who led Fresno State to a 45-29 win against Kansas State last season. The Bulldogs also beat the Wildcats 45-21 in 2004. “I don’t blame them.

“So, I wish them the best. We got the better of them two times in a row.”

Pat Hill’s mustache is taunting you as we speak, Ron Prince. It’s also drinking a beer and riding a Harley across the nation trying to find itself and the wild spirit of the highway, man.

Man, what a hose that kid has. Tommy Bowden’s not the only guy capable of making slightly awkward comments about his players. Thunderlegged freshman kicker Caleb Sturgis gets a profile piece in the Alligator, and in the course of detailing just what a massive leg the dude has this quote dropped in there.

“Oh my gosh, does he have a hose,” Meyer said. “He’s got a bomb. It sounds the way it’s supposed to when it hits his foot.”

Analyst? Apologies. The job description read “Cheerleader.” Peter Tom Willis, radio color guy for FSU broadcasts, is out after two years of being “too critical,” in his own estimation, of Florida State’s slide into mediocrity.

“I don’t know how you say things are going good when they are not.”

You just do! Even if they’re not true. That’s what a color analyst for Florida has to do, especially one looking at the offense. You know we’re smiling as we type this, right? And holding sparklers and champagne?