It’s an agonizing time to be a white person. We mean, a Michigan fan. (When writing the Stuff Maize and Blue People Like piece, it was damn hard not to overlap the actual Stuff White People Like list with Michigan fan demos, because even if you’re not white and a Michigan grad, you’re probably still into the stuff on the list, what with being well-off and educated and all that.)

It’s spring, you have no idea what you’re going to be looking at on the field for the first time since the Johnson administration–and even then, to be fair, it’s wasn’t a real regime change going from Schembechler/Moeller/Carr–and you’re dwelling on message boards, parsing out articles on voluntary workouts for the slightest shred of meaning, bantering back fanfic simulations in your head (”Maybe the line will be better without all those pesky starters!”)

And then, just when you have a solid 9-3 storyline all hammered out in your head, you read this:

ANN ARBOR — It’s too early to know for certain, but it’s possible a walk-on could be starting at quarterback for Michigan this fall.

Wait, come back, we…

…well, we knew that shatterproof reinforced glass would come in handy. The walk-on in question is Nick Sheridan, the son of a Carr crony, Bill Sheridan. He’s competing against Steven Threet, a Georgia Tech transfer.

Stop weeping. It’s unmanly. Maybe a quarterback with the good sense to leave Georgia Tech is an asset to a team, and not someone who couldn’t beat out Taylor Bennett, who was last seen missing the broad side of a barn and holding back tears. Beano Cook also agrees with Colin Cowherd on your prospects, which is something else you have going for you:

Beano Cook: I had a couple people tell me that you predicted Michigan to be 6-6

Colin Cowherd: I think Michigan has quarterback issues next year.

BC: They also have offensive line (issues). When I first heard that, I said ‘Oh, Colin and the predictions. He’s wrong.’ But I think you might be right.

This can mean only one thing, Wolverines: Rose Bowl-bound, baby!