Week one, just peeking at the schedule, not getting too overly excited, but….

1. Michigan State at California

2. Illinois at Missouri

3. USC at Virginia

4. Alabama at Clemson

5. Tennessee at UCLA

And now, we drum.

Hey! There’s no such thing as a yellow tailed gator! Salvaged from the scrap heap of the past by reader Jon, Coach JR delivers his most compelling performance as a pitchman in this ad for Osmose Yella Wood. The jungle clearly brings out the best in the coach:

And if you don’t believe the J.R. Ewing/ Steve Spurrier comparison Kanu’s been trying to convince us of for years, then watch this and tell us you couldn’t see this scene working just as well with a visor and Phil Fulmer in the Cliff Barnes role.

Ryan Perrilloux missed his second practice in a row at LSU, meaning the likely starter at qb for the Taigahs is in trouble again. Which he is:

A server at Kona Grill in Perkins Rowe told The Daily Reveille late Tuesday night that Perrilloux arrived at the restaurant 30 minutes after it closed Friday.

A Kona Grill manager approached Perrilloux, who then cursed the manager. The server said Perrilloux was asked to leave. And the police were called to the restaurant, but Perrilloux had left by the time any officers arrived.

The manager at this point is clearly over getting hundreds of calls from people both wanting to know what happened, as well as those threatening to burn down his establishment and turn his dog into boudin if he even thinks about pressing any charges. Perrilloux, though, could have been in the right in the situation, but only if this was the scenario.

Perrilloux: Barkeep, a glass of your most subtle, well-wrought pinot noir, please.

Bartender: Dude, we’re closed. And we only have a Willamette Valley, and frankly, it’s a little flabby. And this:

Perrilloux: BASTARDS! DO YOU NOT SEE ME IN NEED NOT ONLY NOW, BUT IN THE FUTURE! YOU MUST INCREASE YOUR PINOT NOIR SELECTION IMMEDIATELY AND BE GONE WITH THIS PIFFLE!

Bartender: I’m getting my fucking manager. Hey, are those pink 20 dollar bills in your hand?

If it wasn’t this exact conversation, the Perrilloux is clearly in the wrong. Or the whole thing didn’t happen. No one’s really sure, and even if it did happen, you’re hearing nothing of it—see both the “attention” of curious fans and a personal call from Les Miles, a call that had to go something like “Sir, I’m really, really sorry, here’s some tickets and don’t press charges because seriously, all we’ve got is a redshirt frosh behind him and we’re going to Florida and Auburn this fall. Leave a filet on the back burner for forty five minutes and then take a look at it. That’s his ass on the road if Perrilloux can’t stay on the team.”

RCR sums it up well in an email:

Seriously, think about this. Not only has this guy said fuck you to the rules over and over again, but its at the point now where Miles is actually calling places personally to apologize for his QB’s behavior. How fucking embarrassing is THAT?

It’s so embarrassing that he’s…he’s…he’s going to be the starter this fall? Really? Yes?

Addendum: Umm…this is not the Ryan Perrilloux incident you’re looking for.

As part of our ongoing ripoff of SWPL called “Stuff ____ and _______ People Like,” the EDSBS Staff presents “Stuff Orange and White People Like,” an analysis of things Tennessee Volunteer fans like. Enjoy.

Pitchforks and torches. A nine-win season is cause for satisfaction elsewhere in D-I, but in the SEC and Knoxville in particular, it’s a blight. Any win total under double digits lights up the AM radio dial with orange faithful ready to gut their coach like a catfish of astonishing proportions. Going 5-6 in 2005 brought, concurrently and consecutively, collective apoplexy and vows of silence—they still can’t talk about it. Bring up The Season Of Which We Do Not Speak to a Tennessee fan and his eyes will glaze over in rage or incomprehension. Either way, Does Not Compute.

Orson’s note: Wonder who those people in Frankenstein who, when confronted with a problem, immediately rush to get a.) an impaling instrument, and b.) fire? For any problem? Tennessee fans, that’s who. They’re threatening Frankenstein because, with some time in the weight room, he could be the next John Henderson, but noooooo, he wants to kidnap maidens and accidentally drown little girls in lakes all day like a bad monster.

John Henderson rocks fat titties all day, by the way, despite playing for a team we despise. “BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!” comes from his sideline rantings in college, and he also did this, which is now how we wake up every morning.

We do it just like that. Except the wife does it with a padded white glove, and she does it softly, so as not to knock my exfoliating facial mask off. Sometimes she gets a little too into it, and some of the dust lands on our white oxford shirt! It’s a funny time, the mornings in the Swindle house!

HFCS That’s high fructose corn syrup, friends, and it is a fact of natural law that the highest concentration of HFCS swollen people on the planet reside in Tennessee. (more…)

We had a dream: we had an awesome dream. It involved Ryan Perriloux flipping out in a restaurant. Getting details, but in the meantime, why don’t we take a minute on life’s lonesome highway and find a friend or two? And by friend, we mean: a quality mustache like Lionel Richie’s.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Karamu, fiesta, forever!

Al. AL! Hey, someone nudge Al Groh and tell him someone’s been arrested. Oh, sorry. We forgot that’s what he looks like when he’s awake. Your football players are stealing credit cards from lockers at UVA, which is a great idea if you want the highest credit limits available on credit cards stolen from a public school locker room, but not so good in the morals, ethics, and getting arrested department.

U.Va. freshman J’Courtney Williams, a linebacker who redshirted last season, was arrested Monday by university police, Lt. Melissa Fielding confirmed this afternoon.

A U.Va. student “reported his wallet stolen from the Aquatics and Fitness Center,” Fielding said, “and our investigation led us to Williams and another student.”

J’accuse, J’Courtney! Three points for the j’felony and one point for the j’misdemeanor get you four points in the Fulmer Cup for UVA on their way to Wahoo-ing their way into the midranks of the competition. It’s a great testament to Al Groh’s charisma that following a year in which they went 9-4 and finished second to Virginia Tech in the Coastal Division that the biggest buzz coming out of Charlottesville is…well, a guy with an apostrophied name stealing a credit card to pay for his MilfHunter.com account.*

*No evidence of this, but we definitely don’t think he’s a Suicide Girls guy or anything. And most definitely not a Burning Angel dude, either.